To think this WAS sexual harassment or even assault?

[StupefiedMe]

To set the scene - my BIL, 12 years older than me, from me being around age 12 onwards would make sexual innuendos, put his hand out on the seat and grab my bum when I went to sit down in front of other family members, said I needed breaking in and my cherry popped (in front of stepfather who laughed) etc. This was constant and I was always on high alert round him. The bum grabbing was the worst.

My sister used to get very angry at him but never addressed any apology or remorse to me.

He and sister later divorced as he cheated on her for years.

I recently brought his behaviour up with my sister and mother (have a teen daughter) and they are Furious. Insisting it was only 'banter' and I was never at any risk. My adult nieces (his daughters) are also enraged that I would disrespect their father like that. They are still close to him and he is ill at the moment.

No matter that this happened in the 1980's, it was still totally out of order right?

Totally and entirely out of order - your family should have protected you. That’s disgusting.

Yes a 24 yr ? Old man pinching a 12 year old girls bottom is wrong and was wrong in the 80's.

Sexual abuse. I'm sorry this happened to you and that your family aren't taking it seriously. They should have protected you at the time.

Yes, that's abuse. People don't like to confront it when it's close to them, though. I'm sorry you were so let down x

This is horrendous, your poor younger self. OP your intuition is right and there is something seriously f*d up about your family’s response to your BIL’s sexual harassment and abuse of you. He was making repeated comments about breaking a child’s hymen and saying she needed to be introduced to sex...how can they think this is normal or funny behaviour?

I hope that BIL is not continuing to do the same thing.

Totally and utterly out of order and extremely creepy. That is your experience of him, it’s his actions that are disrespectful and disgusting. Do not wear his shame. Speak about it if it helps you. People can have banter without freaking out a young child, or grabbing her. What you describe is not banter.

Oh ffs how can your family think that a grown man feeling the bum of a teenage girl and telling her she needed "breaking in" was just banter! This has made me really angry for you OP. If someone did that to my daughter they would be thrown out of the house and told never to come near my family again.

I'm so sorry you went through that and are being treated like this by your family

It's out of order to the standards we expect now, but in the 1980s it was acceptable. Homophobia and racism were far more accepted too, again not right but that was the attitude of the time.

I'm not sure what good it does bringing it up with his loved ones now?

He was sexually harassing you physically and through what was saying to you. Theres a TV show on channel 4 called "Is this sexual harassment" You may find it on youtube or catch up as it was on a while ago but if you can find it I would make them all watch it and learn from their mistakes.

Totally vile behaviour. Outrageous that you were not protected from it. It was NOT normal behaviour in the 80s Bombardier. I was a child in the 70s, both my mum and my dad would have banned any man from the house who behaved like that to me (probably would have decked him one too). But it makes me wonder about the rest of your family thinking it acceptable OP. Hope your nieces don’t have children.

but in the 1980s it was acceptable

No it fucking wasn’t! Crap like that is why so many women have difficulty in coming forward to report historical abuse.

That's disgusting behaviour. Your family can hide from the truth all they like but they are wrong and enablers of this abuse. Sorry you had to put up with that. I had similar and the family closed ranks, I have no contact with that side now.

I would say both.

That was by no means banter, that was abuse ☹️

How awful you had to go through that and it's obviously affecting you even to this day.

Sending hugs.

Very similar happened to me by an immediate family member OP and it really is wrong and sick. I genuinely couldn't bring myself to bring it up with family as I got older, in fear of a defensive reaction. I tried to when I was a kid once but I got told I was being ridiculous. Last year I went NC with them all and am now just focusing on my own family/protecting my son from having people like that in his life.

Just because it was the 80's or well in the past doesn't excuse it or make it any less damaging to you. It was abuse. I would be seriously questioning others' reactions to what you have said/how you feel. Don't let anyone question your gut instincts or ignite a feeling of self-doubt or guilt.

It was abuse and harassment and both were unacceptable even in the 1980’s.

Your family are furious because you’re shining a light on the fact that your BIL is a sexual predator. Shame on him and on them for continuing to enable him. I feel quite sorry for his female children if they think it’s acceptable behaviour.

Yes it is, it was abuse, and it is disgusting that your family are sweeping it under the carpet and supporting him. I would be distancing myself from them, and deciding what you want to do regarding what happened.

What would you like to happen? What would make things better for you?

Might the answer be going to the police?