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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel like a rubbish friend.. please advise !

11 replies

Sweetsticks · 15/02/2019 19:11

Good friend in a long term relationship with a lady who he has very little serious interest in. More of a casual situation from his point of view but she thinks that he is the one . He isn’t treating her mean but he is keeping her on the hook, so to speak. He’s asked my advice and opinion on how to deal with her intensity etc and I’ve been truthful in saying that if you’re just not that into her then don’t make promises and be honest about what you want. I also told him that i thought he was being selfish in that she fits into his schedule rather than both planning and organising their down time but he said that she’s happy with that. She clearly isnt as she tries to push him for some extra time together every date and he finds this overwhelming . He isn’t nasty, intentionally but he basically leads a very exciting and full life in which she hardly features, which leaves her in limbo quite a bit . He chose to ignore advice which is perfectly fine. He didn’t like my honesty and was quite off with me for a while as he felt that I was insinuating that he treats her like shit . I made a decision not to be so honest with him anymore as he doesn’t essentially want to hear my thoughts despite asking for them all the time . Since I’ve become less interested or helpful with advice sought , he keeps sending me messages about his girlfriend/ photos of her/ videos/ plans he’s made for her etc etc. I can’t really figure out why but my problem is that I dnot know how to respond . Our friendship is important and I don’t want to lose it . Thanks

OP posts:

crazycatlady5 · 15/02/2019 19:14

A good friend is someone who can always be (gently) honest, even if the friend doesn’t want to hear the truth. He asked your honest opinion and then threw his toys out of the pram when he didn’t like what he heard you have done nothing wrong OP and if he keeps sending you these weird pics and messages constantly (is he perhaps into you?) just reply casually.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 15/02/2019 19:16

He's playing you like a fiddle too OP.

Original poster

Sweetsticks · 15/02/2019 19:20

Why is he playing me like a fiddle??
Why would he send me all these weird correspondences if he was into me? Makes no sense to me ? I’ve been honest. He doesn’t like it . I have been facially shocked at some of his theories about the way he has treated her so he knows how I feel even if didn’t say anything

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2019 19:42

He sounds like a complete and utter twat. Why are you even friends with a person like this? Raise the bar.

Original poster

Sweetsticks · 15/02/2019 19:49

He really is a good person I guess .

OP posts:

Gorse · 15/02/2019 20:20

My friend killed herself because of a man like this. They dated, took holidays together, weekends together for two or three years. His excuse for not leaving his wife was that his (20something, flew nest years ago) children would be "upset". Out of the blue one night, friend received a text from the love of her life saying Ta very much, good luck and all that but I'm moving in with X. My friend had absolutely no knowledge of X until then. There were more unpleasant facts that emerged in the aftermath which can't be said for possible outing, enough to say that this fellow's behaviour was disgusting at the funeral. We all thought he was decent, until the truth came out. So, your friend, whether unintentionally or not, is playing a dangerous game. Someone is in love with him and he's drip feeding his attention to her. Tell him to be honest, and tell him to be kind.

Original poster

Sweetsticks · 15/02/2019 20:39

Good grief! That’s heartbreaking. I never thought for a moment that my friend would be capable of anything as such. They are both single with no commitments but she seems to me to be heavily invested whereas he is enjoying the casual relationship with a lovely lady . They are both late twenties . His gf has mental health issues so your post has unsettled me a little. I have been brutally honest with him and told him that I’m not interested in the dynamics of their relationships as it’s not my business , which is when all of these unnecessary messages and photos started. Maybe his conscience is upsetting him and he knows deep down that he is being a twat and doesn’t like that I can see through him. Does That sound plausible? I didn’t think of his gf and her mental health until your post but it has made me think . That’s very sad . Sorry for your loss .

OP posts:

Feelsdeadpeople · 15/02/2019 20:50

I had a male friend, very close, spoke or emailed every week for 15 years. He used to ask me for advice about his girlfriend. And I’d give it, when asked. About everything- arguments, in-laws, birthday presents, even sex. And eventually she found a million emails between us. Zero flirting, she wasn’t worried about that. More the fact that she’d been dating me, not him, for 2 years. And it wasn’t until that point that I realised yes, that IS really weird. She asked that he stop speaking to me. He did. Haven’t heard from him since (though I heard they split up). I was sad about it for ages but not completely sure what I could have done differently, other than not give any advice at all.

Original poster

Sweetsticks · 15/02/2019 20:59

Gosh that is sad , feels... to lose my friend would devastate me which is why I’ve decided to back off. He ignored my advice anyway so his actions, or lack thereof, are entirely determined by him . He can be inappropriate though, I can see that. If I engaged, he would spend his evenings and weekends texting and calling for talks and discussion( mostly about himself if he was enabled) , yet he will hardly give his own girlfriend a commitment of a future plan. Backing off and not responding seems to be the best way forward but it feels very awkward to ignore all these photos/ videos/ messages about his gf . It’s completely weird and I feel guilty

OP posts:

KM99 · 15/02/2019 21:21

Classic "emotional fuckwit" a la Bridget Jones. He clearly knows she's more into him and he's got her dangling on a piece of string.

Good friend or not, it's cruel for him to continue to let her waste her life on their dysfunctional relationship.

Original poster

Sweetsticks · 15/02/2019 22:33

I know you are right KM and its difficult to watch it all unfold . I genuinely don’t believe that he is trying to be horrible but I think he is trying to protect himself from hurt and keep her at arms
Length for some strange reason . My problem
Is that he seems to want to convince me that he is this straight up , respectful guy and I know he can be, but to his girlfriend he simply is not . Not outwardly disrespectful when he is with her but by not allowing himself to fully let go with her and keeping her on the hook I guess .

OP posts:

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