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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset that my baby was being looked after by sis with special needs?

91 replies

allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 22:47

Really hope it's not too late and there are enough enthusiastic people to give me some input on this, it's tearing me up!

Here goes...
Left my LO 19 weeks old with my mum for a night, and 2 full days as i went on a girly weekend away, first time in a year and a half, first time away from baby.

I phoned to check on him mum said he was with 'mary poppins', referring to my sister with special needs, she is 42 with cognition of 3-4 yr old.

She told me that at some point she had left the room and come back and LO had a pillow on his face and sis was laughing cos he was covered up. When i went ape shit, she told i was being too heavy, that the pillow couldn't get flat to his face and that he was fine!

my point was that sis doesn't have understanding of baby being in trouble or what is/ isn't dangerous, why the hell was mum leaving them together on their own? my mum was telling this as a funny story and didn't see why i was upset as all is ok.

she is supposed to be having LO one day a week when i go back to work, now too scared. am i being over the top? mum has made me feel guilty getting upset about it and now isn't talking to me, what do i do?

any opinions?

OP posts:
superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:25

of course sis needs to be cared for if she has learning differculties.

zazette, to imply the OP mother is dim is down right insulting.

at my mothers house, cushions sometimes get balences on chairs, on the arm rests. they could fall at any time.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:25

No-one actually said the pillow 'fell' on his face. i think the suggestion was that the sister might have put it there.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:26

get her a set of walk about monitors and atravel/cot playpen.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:28

Lyra- the sister needs to be supervised though;. My son is quite capable of walking, taking himself to the toilet, stealing from the fridge, but left alone he is liable to do very dangerous things.

allthe- I know you're not ranting at your sis & greenhouse is a bit far away! I'm pickiing up on people who are saying that "they must never be left alone" as that really isn't possible. In your situation I would look at making the environment safe (that's a big thing in our house) so that your baby has somewhere safe to sleep or, if you think your mum won't stick to that then alternative childcare. Expecting her to never leave them alone just isn't realistic though.

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:28

no do not think for a second that pillow was put on his face, it would have been an accident. my mum also isn't a hero for fostering my sis with special needs, she needs the money it brings, harsh but true. my mum wants to downsize and there won't be a bed room for sis there.

OP posts:
superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:30

allthe, dont wan to upset you, but as gess says, wither make enviroment safe, or find different childcare.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:30

Sounds like the problem here is the mother's judgement rather than the sister. I wouldn't leave a baby on its own in a house while I was pottering in the greenhouse. Myabe if baby was asleep but would take a monitor.

Zazette · 04/07/2007 23:30

OK superchoccy, I agree it's rude to label a person I don't know as dim. But if you're going to leave a 19 week old baby without the supervision of a competent adult, checking that there are no potential hazards is the smart thing to do.

but this isn't exactly helping allthegear, so I'll go tidy up some cushions

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:30

i really appreciate all the posts too, was going insane with all this going round my head.

OP posts:
superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:31

i dont have cushions, they get used in pillow fights by the little monsters.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:32

So what do you think you'll do, allthegear?

gess · 04/07/2007 23:32

TBH you sound like you don't trust your mum so I would go with childcare. FWIW I love my dad, we get on very well, but we don't trust him with ds1 as he doesn't know how to supervise him properly (fine with ds2 and ds3). He does stupid things like leaves the front door unlocked (we have 3 locks!) or would leave him in the back garden at his house (straight out onto the road) Likewise we don't really trut in-laws. There are people we trust (my mum- I leave all 3 with heer at once), but I don't leave him with people I don't.

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:33

i hear you super choccy and gess, and i know that you are right about making it safe, though i never though that i would be in the position of pointing out to my mum that what she was doing was dangerous, and my mum thinking that i was being over the top. i though that she would instinctively make things safe or be a bit brighter about it all, when i am anywhere with LO he is alaways as safe as poss

OP posts:
Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:36

my LO is too imprtant, he will always come fist and i will be worrying about how my mum is looking after him, so we will have to pay an extra day childcare, which is hard as we are skiiiint! i can't imagine my mum will be speaking to me though

OP posts:
superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:36

how long has it been since she looked after a baby allthegear? i know when i see little ones, it makes me realise my 3 arent babies anymore. even if i think of them as small.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:39

It is really hard looking afer someone with LD's as well as a baby. TBH I wouldn't do it! I had one friend who was oblivious to her dd's antics and after I saw her sit on a baby (!!) - not mine- I supervised my children hawk like round her. There is no way I would have left her to look after her dd plus a baby of mine.

Another friend was very aware but there was no physical way she could care for her dd plus a baby, so I never asked her.

I have people who are paid to come in and help- I never leave them with all 3 because it's not possible to supervise ds1 plus the other 2 safetly. It's one thing if ds1 hurts himself when I'm looking after all 3, but not fair on someone who is employed.

It is all about weighing up the risks & you are quite entitled to remove your baby from a situation you do not feel comfortable with.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:42

no one is going to yell at you or stop talking to you because of this. (well maybe your mum for a bit).

what about making the house safer, and saying she must put baby down in travel cot and use monitors if she must leave the room when your sister is there? is that a possibility at all, or would you stil lfeel uncomfortable.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:44

agree with super- although sometimes mums can be bloody minded about their way! Mine is. Having said I wouldn';t do it, I realised I did , what I mean is I wouldn't do it through choice, unless I could guarantee a safe environment.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:45

i am as well.

i can be a right cow-bag at times, i know i can

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:47

my other sisters youngest is just 3 and she has lots of other grandchildren. she is well used to babies. the difficulty with my mum is that she is set in her ways and scoffs at the way i do things as i go on current advice as to what is safest, this is my first baby. she does what she did when my older brother was a baby, he is now 43, her way of doing things is from her grandma, now 6 generations old. she can't take on board advice or instruction, she thinks she knows best.

OP posts:
gess · 04/07/2007 23:49

ah well that's mums' for you. Mine's like that. Again up to you to decide whether its too unsafe or not. If it is you can't worry about offending her.

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:49

also my sis is only present because mum has asked her to be, sis would much rather be going about her business as she is busy, sis always comes to greet us initially but is much happer left to her own devices, my mum is specifically asking her to come and sit with baby.

OP posts:
gess · 04/07/2007 23:49

How did your sister deal with it?

gess · 04/07/2007 23:51

If she's not that interested I guess the problem is the same as when your mum leaves your baby alone. It might be easily fixed with a cot or pram.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:51

your other sister that was- with the 3 year old

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