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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being upset that my baby was being looked after by sis with special needs?

91 replies

allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 22:47

Really hope it's not too late and there are enough enthusiastic people to give me some input on this, it's tearing me up!

Here goes...
Left my LO 19 weeks old with my mum for a night, and 2 full days as i went on a girly weekend away, first time in a year and a half, first time away from baby.

I phoned to check on him mum said he was with 'mary poppins', referring to my sister with special needs, she is 42 with cognition of 3-4 yr old.

She told me that at some point she had left the room and come back and LO had a pillow on his face and sis was laughing cos he was covered up. When i went ape shit, she told i was being too heavy, that the pillow couldn't get flat to his face and that he was fine!

my point was that sis doesn't have understanding of baby being in trouble or what is/ isn't dangerous, why the hell was mum leaving them together on their own? my mum was telling this as a funny story and didn't see why i was upset as all is ok.

she is supposed to be having LO one day a week when i go back to work, now too scared. am i being over the top? mum has made me feel guilty getting upset about it and now isn't talking to me, what do i do?

any opinions?

OP posts:

gess · 04/07/2007 23:10

I take it from that you have zero experience.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:10

Also, maybe the sister doesn't actually need looking after as such. OP said she was living independently at home, which suggests she can take care of herself in most things.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:10

oh that was to lyra- not MTS

edam · 04/07/2007 23:10

Someone whose 'cognition is 3-4yr old in terms of 'stranger danger', empathy, cause-consequence etc.' should not be left alone with a baby, for both their sakes. Not fair for your mother to put your sister in that position.

mummytosteven · 04/07/2007 23:11

yes gess that would have been particularly puzzling since i was agreeing with you

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:11

No i don't but then neither do you of the OP's sister. You don't know what she is/isn't capable of.

mamazon · 04/07/2007 23:12

it is very difficult to say that she cannot leave them both alone in a room together.

if you take your sisters age away and treat her as if she was a 3-4 year old...as you say this is her developmentle age.. you would be very hard pushed to find a mother of two children these ages who never leaves the room.

your sister needs explaining to that he is a baby and you have to be carefull, in exactly the same way you would a small child.

if you are as concerned as you sound then yes i think you should look for alternative childcare.

Original poster

allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:13

gess, maybe i haven't explaines well, sis does jobs etc around the house and is not looked after by my mum, she lives there as i did when i was till at home, she gets cooked for etc but otherwise sorts herself out. my mum wanted to have LO when i went back to work, i have never asked her or expected anymore than she has offered. my mumleft instructions with sis to look afer my baby for a few mins, which is why she was on the sofa with him, and why the cushion fell on to his face. my sis would never intentionally hurt him, but has no understanding of what is abd for a baby, she would only call for help if baby crying IYSWIM

OP posts:

gess · 04/07/2007 23:13

Unless you are physically strong enough to strap the baby in a sling you cannot have 2 people in the same house and ensure they never meet. It is simply not possible. Which is why when I had children with LD's visiting who I felt weren't safe with ds2 or ds3 they went straight into a sling.

MTS is right though- generally you need to watch a LD adult in the same way that you watch a toddler (unless the adult is particularly aggressive towards babies) - do those of you with a toddler plus baby never leave them alone in the same room, even for a second?

gess · 04/07/2007 23:15

Fine if it's not safe, pay for childcare; that's your judegment, but don't ask your mum to do the impossible (ie look after baby plus learning disabled adult at the same time- never leaving them alone ever- it is simply not possible).

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:17

I didn't leave mine alone together for a second when DS2 was tiny because DS1 was aggressive towards him because he was jealous. But that was difficult.
What I'm saying is this isn't the same thing. The sister isn't looked after in the same way and toddler is.
And a toddler is in the house all day, while the sister in question isn't, so there should be no need for them to be left alone together.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:17

agree with gess.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:17

BTW I found a playpen worked well as a safe place. DS1 would jump in occasionally, but it generally separated him plus baby allowing me to go out of the room without too many heeby jeebies.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:18

lyrab. what if the mum needs a wee, should she only go at scheduled times so as not to leave sis and baby toghether??

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:18

She could take the baby with her.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:18

playpens are wonderful things in situations like this.

dd3 soent a lot of time in playpen due to dd2 twirling and clumseyness.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:19

i think you are being unrealistic lyrab, sorry!

i dont take my kids with me to wee.

Zazette · 04/07/2007 23:19

The basic problem here isn't your sister IMO. It's that your mum was dim enough to leave a wee baby in a position where a cushion could fall on him! I'd be much more worried about your mum's appropriateness as a carer because of that than I would be about your sister's response - from what you say about her competence in other areas, it sounds like she could learn some danger signs and how to act on them.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:20

Lyra- spend a day caring for people with learning difficulties & a baby at the same time. Adults tend to walk around, and are harder to keep out of rooms than toddlers - I don;t think its reasonable to expect to 62 year old to put the baby in the sling so I think the impossible is being asked.

I have lots of friends with children with learning difficulties who I would never have left my baby with - because I knew there was no way any mortal being could adequately supervise both. There are others I would have. My own for starters-- with the help of a playpen.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:20

zazette, are you serious?

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:21

The mother would only be looking after the baby one day a week. there might only be one or two occasions on that one day when she needs a wee while the sister is in the house. Taking the baby with you to the bathroom once or twice a week doesn't sound impossible to me.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:23

But that's exactly the point you're missing Gess. the OP has said several times that the sister doesn't need to be cared for.

Zazette · 04/07/2007 23:23

about the mother? yes, absolutely, in terms of the story we've been told. If she put him on a sofa where a cushion could fall on him, that was not smart.

Are you suggesting that the cushion didn't really fall all by itself? maybe I'm being naive...

Original poster

allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:24

i feel like an unreasonable cow now! the point is sis was called in specifically to watch baby and he would be safer on his own on baby gym or pram than left propped up on sofa with sis. my sis is very kind but not suitable to watch a baby while my mum does non essential jobs in the garden! a wee fine, i don't take him then, but i can always see/ hear him, my mum admitted that LO was in house whilst she was in greenhouse. mums judgement is crap.this is not a rant at people with LD's/ SN's don't take it that way!

OP posts:

gess · 04/07/2007 23:24

What does she do if the baby's asleep? Wait until he wakes up for a wee, take the sister with her??? Front door rings, pick the baby up? It's hard physical work for a 62 year old.

If you want your mum to keep caring then make the environment safe. Give her a cot/playpen etc. Equipment can make a huge difference to juggling everyone's needs when you are living with someone with LD's.

I used the cot, plus monitor- plus an idea of where ds1 was. With the monitor I could generally hear when he climbed into ds3's cot/amby. Or the baby was in pram- where I could see him whilst getting on with other things.

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