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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Give husband a 2nd chance after cheating?

17 replies

frenchylady · 15/02/2019 17:37

So, long story, been married 3 years to DH been together 14 years. I’m 48 he’s 44. We have 3 girls, 5, 10 & 18. He moved out last April because we weren’t communicating, didn’t really like one another much, he was out most nights until 2am/3am with no explanation, etc plus he thought it easier to run away than stay to sort it out! He moved into a flat a couple of miles away. Basically we carried on seeing one another, having sex regularly, trying to sort things out but it dragged on and on, then he got massively depressed, so bad he wanted to kill himself before Christmas etc, saw the mental health crisis team etc and Dr, was there for him through all of this. His underlying issue is that he’s an alcoholic, has been for 25+ years and more recently it’s been a huge problem! Now about 5 days before Christmas he took 62 amitryptaline tablets after drinking wine & lager, realised what he’d done and rang an ambulance! Spent the next day in a&e and edu. Was discharge that afternoon (I was with him there). He saw the crisis team and the alcohol team but can’t remember what was said. He was also referred for counselling! Then Christmas Eve I find out he slept with a barmaid once back in July, the same barmaid i had been accusing him of seeing for about 3 months but blatantly lying to my face! So we had huge fall out, he was dirty, would do anything to save marriage etc etc! I didn’t want a divorce particularly and was willing to work out stuff and go to marriage counselling! Anyway, roll on 2nd January and his healthy mum of 71 died having s heart attack very unexpectedly so of course it was a nightmare! He’s an only child so had to deal with everything and his drinking got worse again throughout January, pissed almost nightly (he’s been off work since November). I’ve been there the whole time trying to help him but the funeral wasn’t until the 31st January so it was a long drawn out affair! Anyway, now back to a bit of normality, he’s moving in to live with his elderly father and I keep asking him if he wants to save the marriage or should we divorce? He wants to try again but I’m not sure he’s prepared to do what’s necessary to help move our marriage forward (I.e. stop going to said pub where OW works despite them not speaking to one another, stop contact with anyone there, spend more time with family doing things, be a more hand on Dad which he’s never been) etc! He’s very selfish which he’ll admit, his mum did everything for him and always had, reducing his drinking, reducing his going out, letting me have access to his phone and coming off social media etc! Now obviously I don’t trust him and he knows that and that it was his doing! I’m really unsure whether to give it one last try or just not bother at all? Any advice from someone in a similar situation please? X

OP posts:
speakout · 15/02/2019 17:46

Honestly? I would grab my freedom.

Janethevirgo · 15/02/2019 17:49

I think if you have to keep asking him that should tell you his answer.

slipperywhensparticus · 15/02/2019 17:50

Run sorry xx

He hasn't stopped drinking he hasn't stopped going near ow I'm assuming no sti check? He is having more than his cake and eating it

YogaWannabe · 15/02/2019 17:51

Run

AnyFucker · 15/02/2019 17:52

Doomed to failure, love.

BlueSuffragette · 15/02/2019 17:53

Do you love him and does he enhance your life? If not then I would build a new life for yourself but ensure he has regular contact still with your daughters. You have shouldered a lot and if the love and trust has gone, you can put some space between you and put yourself first for a change.

Fannybaws52 · 15/02/2019 17:55

You are 48. RUN. You can't spend your life trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

Jackshouse · 15/02/2019 17:56

He is an alcoholic who is still going to the pub or has he stopped drinking?

Ellisandra · 15/02/2019 17:59

I’d say it’s a gift that he fucked off out of it, so you don’t have to feel guilty about dumping him (not that you should, but it sounds like you would).

Grab this freedom.

And FGS don’t keep shagging him when he can’t even be arsed to be a husband and parent!

swingofthings · 15/02/2019 18:05

Why are you still together? It didn't work when you lived together why would it when you don't? A marriage is sharing every day life together.

Arnoldthecat · 15/02/2019 18:08

The absolute truth of the matter is that in his mental state, he is all but incapable of knowing for certain what he wants, formulating or agreeing a plan ,and sticking to it. He is currently lost at sea. He may never be found again. What are you going to do? How long will you wait? If you wait long enough you will grow to hate him and realise you have wasted the opportunity to leave.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2019 18:17

It won't be too long until you are caring for someone with advanced liver disease. Not a pleasant prospect.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2019 18:32

Run for your life. There is no hope for your marriage. I would want to detach myself from his life as quickly as possible.

ENormaSnob · 15/02/2019 18:35

Don't bother.

He a waste of space.

frenchylady · 17/02/2019 18:38

I’ve had a hiv/std test and waiting results x

OP posts:
frenchylady · 17/02/2019 18:40

Thanks all, exactly what I was hoping you’d all say! He’s well and truly dumped and as soon as I e got £550 he’s divorced too 😂x

OP posts:
Arnoldthecat · 17/02/2019 18:41

Well thats that sorted then ...!

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