Not sure what to do anymore

[Igiveup2019]

Dh and i have been together 15 years nearly. 1 dd (3) we both work full time, dh works shifts, including nights and i work full time in quite a stressful management role (recently promoted into this)

Since we arrived the last few years haven't been great. I had some post natal anxiety and dh didn't adapt well to how much our lives had changed. We have been through marriage counselling and i thought we were getting back on track.

I took my new job in Janaury. It's a management role so had meant more responsibility and some longer hours (logging in for an hour or so after dd has gone to bed) but this is settling down now.

Last week dh was on nights so we barely saw each other. He got home from work as i was leaving to take dd to childcare and then work. I worked all day then picked dd up, did us dinner, did what housework I could. I would do bath & bed and then an would get up and go to work.

This week dh has been on days (2pm finish) so he I have been doing drop off and dh has been doing pick up. I have stayed later at work (only half an hour or so) as i didn't have to rush back to get dd and dh got some time with dd. But then it's a constant barrage of messages insisting I get home in time for dinner, that I'm always late etc. 3 nights I have walked in the door to dh moaning that I haven't tidied up, or put something in the cupboard, hoovered the house etc.

Today I have a day off work due to annual leave needing to be used. Was hoping dh and I could a nice day off together. Unbeknown to me, dh has arranged to go away for the weekend leaving at 11 this morning so our morning was cut short. I also managed to develop an awful cold yesterday. Dh took dd to nursery so i could have a lay in (first in about a year!) And then moaned when i slept for an extra hour this morning so now i feel that i should have just gone to work!

Sorry that was long. I just needed a rank!

A sudden trip away for the weekend? And things aren't good? How much do you trust DH?

This sounds like such a tricky situation, and there's no doubt having a child definitely changes the balance in a relationship, especially if you're also now the main breadwinner. Maybe he is feeling unneeded and left out?

Alternatively maybe he's having an affair.

Either way I think you're going to have a long serious chat with him about how the relationship is going and how it's making you feel. I have no real advice but it sounds like a difficult one.

since we arrived what do you mean? Have you moved too?

I think its 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other here. DH was finishing at 2 so rather than think great, extra time to spend as a family you thought oh great, more time to spend at work? I know Management roles are hard and stressful but you need a good work/life balance and some priorities have to be put in order. You can always get a new job but families....?
DH shouldn't have moaned at you for trivial things but then maybe he was thinking what I've said above. And going away for the weekend without even telling you? Not on at all, you're a partnership and should definitely discuss these kind of things. Has he said where he's going and who with? Does it sound legit?

I'm sorry but he can't just decide he's going away...what if you both did that? Leave DD home alone?

Where is he going, who with, why and why didn't he let you know?

Sorry dodgy!

@CatG85 I think that's meant to be since DD arrived.

Sorry may his mis worded it..He told me about 2 weeks ago he was going away but I'd arranged the days leave by then. He has gone with friends to watch a sporting event.

Ok, that's slightly better I suppose! What was your response, did you make it clear you were not happy?

I offered to try and move the day off but he said to leave it we would have a nice morning together before he went.

As it turns out he spent the morning sulking because I wanted to get an extra hour sleep and then because he asked where something was I and went to get it he had a go at me saying that i was treating him like a child and he could get it himself.

He sounds like a twat.

it's a constant barrage of messages insisting I get home in time for dinner, that I'm always late etc. 3 nights I have walked in the door to dh moaning that I haven't tidied up, or put something in the cupboard, hoovered the house etc.

If you both work full time, I suggest you tell him to tidy up if he wants to, put stuff in the cupboard if he wants it there, and hoover if he thinks it is dirty.

And tell him you won't be home for dinner.

so talk to him. admit you are struggling with not having enough time together. ask if he is struggling too. see if you can work out some solutions together, whether that is taking more time of work or arranging shifts differently or something.

DH and I did a lot of juggling work hours in the early years and the only solution is to keep talking and to both have flexibility.

We went through counselling Last year as dh said he was struggling with not seeing me enough. Since then I have tried to make a massive change. After dd goes to bed I come down and spend time with him (dd was a notoriously bad sleeper so i used to go straight to bed after her bath and bed as i knew she would be up at Least 3 times a night. She now sleeps through!)

I take days off when he has off and we still goes to nursery so we can have some time together.

I have told him I am struggling to keep on top of everything and he needs to do more round the house or we need to get a cleaner, his answer was we both need to do more. But as of yet he hasn't done anything extra apart from pick up dd more often.