To have expected more effort

[Valdy]

To be honest, I probably am BU, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed by my valentines gift of nearly dead roses and chocs?

It's really annoying me that Christmas/birthday/Father's Day etc I make more of an effort than just getting the cliche gifts. I listen to what he talks about, I understand what he cares about and interpret that into his gifts. He also did this a few weeks ago with our anniversary (it was only our 2nd anniversary being together, not married but have a DS), he knows when it is, but the day wasn't acknowledged until I gave him his gift. I don't expect anything much, I suppose I'm just disappointed at the lack of effort and care.

Should I just accept that this is men? 🙄

No, it’s not men, it’s your man.

My DH buys me the most ridiculously thoughtful gifts. Not necessarily expensive but truly thoughtful
We don’t do Valentine’s Day other than cooking a nice meal.

Either put up with it and treat him the same way of speak to him about it.

It depends really. You didn't mention if you got him anything or if he did anything to accompany said gifts (nicely written card, cooked dinner etc.)

In defence of the cliche'd gifts, flowers and chocolates seem to be valentine's staple, in my experience it's rarely the time to go too off-piste with regards gifts.

That's my point, nothing has to be of massive cost, most things I get for him isn't ridiculous in price, but I have put a lot of thought into! I don't want jewellery or expensive gifts, but even just some bath bombs or something that will have required a little more than popping to our local co-op while picking up his beer after work!!

It depends really. You didn't mention if you got him anything or if he did anything to accompany said gifts (nicely written card, cooked dinner etc

I did get him a gift I knew he'd love and lovely-written card from our son and myself. He got me a card too, told me he was waiting til I went to bed the night before so he could write it

To be fair it sounds like it’s just your bloke. Mine bought me a bunch of carnations and daffodils on Tuesday because I was throwing up on Monday. He once bought me two dresses when I couldn’t choose between them. He always treats me like his princess. Not in romantic, overblown gestures, but in smiles and little bars of chocolate and back rubs.

Tricky one op. What's he like as a partner in general? If he's an equal partner and is respectful and loving then I'd really not be bothered by the gift giving.

For example , we don't do valentine's day and always ask what the other wants for birthdays and anniversaries. We didn't actually do gifts for our wedding anniversary at all , but we decided to spend on going our for a good meal.

Maybe have a chat about it and come to an agreement , at the very least you will know what his position is on gift giving and whether he's bothered about it all. That said , if you care about presents then you should ask for more effort.

You need a frank chat with him about your expectations and whether he will meet them or he prefers to do something else.
Especially with Mother's Day coming up, you don't want to be left raging because he didn't do what you want.

With my partner he knows what I want and I ask him what he wants.
For Xmas we do themed gifts.
For Valentine's Day I want chocolate, daffodils (the £1 bunch) and a card. He wants a card and chocolate/sweets.
For Mother's And Father's Day I want a card and a small present (daffodils, chocolate, Lego) and him similar
For birthdays it's definitely a card and a gift but unless we really want something and drop hints it's buyers choice.

It's all about communicating your expectations or you'll end up disappointed every time.

My husband is practically perfect in every way but he's shit at gift-giving. It's just not his forte. He does try and we have spoken about it but honestly, it hasn't got significantly better over the years! But he's so good at showing his love in other ways - he's incredibly caring, he's very generous and he'd do absolutely anything for me willingly and happily. We all have different strengths. I'm fantastic at buying thoughtful, appropriate presents but absolutely shite at looking after him when he's ill, for example. If I want him to get me something specific, I ask.

lovely-written card from our son and myself.

From you I understand but not your son.

My husband is a antastic partner and a shite gift giver.

I wasn't fussed about doing Valentines this year, but we just got married and he wanted to be romantic. I got him some cufflinks and put pictures of our wedding day inside...

... and had to tell him that no, I didn't want twice the price half the quality flowers, and I didn't want chocolates (I've lost four stone through turning down chocolates ffs!). I am very pleased with the car boot organiser he got on my instruction, that I couldn't afford due to buying said car!

I love that thecatsthecats

You clearly have yourself a keeper.

I banned flowers and chocolates too and we did cards and nice gifts. DH got me a beauty box subscription which I’ve never had and wouldn’t have thought of but I’m due in a couple of weeks and saving like mad and he knows I won’t want to spend much on myself, love a pamper and will appreciate anything that comes through the door I don’t have to plan for. I found it very thoughtful.

DH bought himself a car boot organiser last week and is besotted. Congrats on your weight loss too, that’s amazing.

OP, it’s not all men. It’s not embarrassing or grabby to let him know what gestures mean something to you.

I’ve already said I’d like to do something for mother’s day as after a long wait to get there I’ll hopefully be a mum. He might have thought that anyway but I felt okay telling him it’s one day he can plan to pull out all the stops! Better to be honest than disappointed.

We have a long-standing tradition of home-made valentines cards, they're all saved (and we've been together 30 years almost).

We always cooked a nice meal together but as his work is busy and I'm at home (disabled) it's morphed into me making a nice meal. So yesterday he arrived home with red roses as he knew I'd have cooked already!

We've both got pretty good with presents over the years - for Christmas I got him a retro gaming emulator of the C64 (childhood computer) and he tracked down a copy of a board game I played as a child that isn't made any more and was/is the only game I enjoy.

It's thinking as the other person thinks that makes it work, we've always tried to do that and have a lot of practice!

From you I understand but not your son.
He's only 1 and OH loves it when he's involved too. Thinks it's cute. Just a little 'love u' message from him and bump (I'm 30 wk pregnant).

Everyone's gifts and partners all sound so lovely!

TBH I would have branded him loving and caring, just a shit gift-giver, but since being pregnant I feel like all his love for me has fallen out the window, which is probably why it's pissing me off that valentines gift was thoughtless, anniversary from his end was non-existent, Xmas and birthday we're just the cliche when he knew what I wanted. He doesn't seem interested in me anymore (never initiates sex, doesn't hug or kiss me unless he's done something wrong).

He used to be great with housework and our DS, but has started to slack so I feel like a housewife. He used to be great with thinking about/ booking time off together, time off is very rare for us since being back in work, but doesn't bother anymore. He organises his (and his staff)'s rota yet doesn't put himself off on valentines, anniversary, forgot my birthday, etc. I understand some holidays he can't, for example Mother's Day is hectic for him and I appreciate that, but valentines he admitted it would be a very easy night and then stayed for a beer afterwards too. Like I said I really don't care what he does gift wise, but I'm so sick of putting so much thought into his and it doesn't reciprocate. Just feeling unloved, I guess. Should I have to tell him? Or am I expecting too much from him? Sorry for the rant

You aren't expecting too much but if you're willing to admit he's shit a gift giving then you continuing to expect more is setting yourself up for failure.

Just have a sit down with him and explain how you feel. If he doesn't make any more effort then you can be pissed with him.

I hate to blame hormones but pregnancy did cause me to be less tolerable of things that annoyed me.