I'm really sorry this is so long but I have PTSD, anxiety & depression and sometimes really struggle for perspective so didn't want to drip feed.
I'm a single mum, have been since my DD was 2 and she's now 10. I've been single most of that time aside from two short relationships. For the last 16 months I've been in a relationship with a lovely guy. When we met he had only recently moved out from the former marital home, but the relationship had been over for ages, divorce went through shortly after, etc. He has two kids 8 & 12.
When we first started dating he said he didn't want the kids to know right away as they were struggling with the divorce, I totally understood and know you shouldn't rush these things so was fine. After we'd been together for 10 months we had a row about the fact that he still hadn't told them - I feel very much that if you want to build a future with someone with kids (who wants you involved with their kids) your actual relationship doesn't begin till that integration starts. I know from siblings and friends who have done it how hard it can be. We agreed that he could take the summer to tell them, and during the same conversation he asked if we (DD and I) would move to his village (an hour away) this upcoming summer so we could all live together.
The timing of moving in together in the summer is important because (a) it would give his kids a year to get used to the idea and (b) we would need to be settled by the time we submit DD's secondary school applications in October. I found a really great school in his area and we agreed that we'd move into catchment, I sorted this with DD's dad, started planning, learning about the local area, etc.
Except he didn't tell the kids over the summer. He put it off and put it off and eventually told them over Christmas break. They didn't seem phased by it but didn't ask many questions. The other week he brought up the idea of us all meeting up and they kicked off. He's completely thrown by this and is a total wreck about it. He's worried he's 'scarring them for life', that they'll hate him - he's majorly catastrophising. We had a chat about it and in the end I said I thought we should take living together off the table. There is no way I would want DD moving in with someone they only met 6 months before and it sounded like this was going to be a difficult situation if they were pushing back so much.
While I know this was the right thing to do (and I was essentially only saying it so he didn't have to) I'm heartbroken. For the last 8 months DD and I have been planning and thought we had a future plan and it's been completely derailed. We now aren't sure where DD will go to Secondary, everything is up in the air again ,and I feel like all the planning was a total waste.
He seems that he thinks we should just go back to the way things were - seeing each other 1 night a week and a day or so every other weekend (he usually ends up agreeing to do something with his kids even on his off weekends). When he's with his kids he doesn't take my calls, he only calls me when he's sure they're asleep or when he pops to the shops, he only texts when they're doing something, I feel like I'm having an affair sometimes. (He's definitely divorced and I'm positive there is no one else before anyone jumps on it!)
He's not the easiest to talk to right now but I just don't know how to move forward. There's no point in doing the expense and hassle of moving if it's just DD and I, and once she gets into a local (to us now) Secondary I won't move her. He's also made it clear that he won't move to our village as he wants to stay local to his kids.
I've been a mug haven't I? I feel like the relationship I've been promised is gone. There's no way to really make this work going forwards is there?