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AIBU?

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Original poster

in-laws interfering in name of child

51 replies

bakerred · 04/07/2007 21:34

hi, Need to get some outside perspective on my situation. We are about to have our second child, in 5 weeks time. We have just this week worked out a name we both really like for a boy or a girl - its taken this long :-) Anyway, my husband gets a call from his father today basically saying that he expects us to name the child after his parents , my husband said we have already agreed that the middle name of the child will be the name of his parents. but his dad said no, its traditional to have the first name beginning with the first letter of his parents and that if my husband respects him as his dad he should do this . Well, my husband is in shock and obviously very upset as we have tried to find a name we both like beginning with the first letter of the grandparents but can't find a name we like. I know most people will be shocked and say how disgusting it is that they are asking this, but the fact is that they are and I don't want to loose a relationship about this. I think its not fair on my children to not see their grandparents and also not fair on my husband.
Anyway hope that makes sense, guess I just need some other perspectives about this and how I deal we deal with this.

OP posts:
NoraBattymeetsYoda · 05/07/2007 03:32

We actually changed one-year-old dd's name on her birth cert, swapping over the forenames, when she was a few months old and I was, perhaps rather irrationally, peed off when mil recently gave dd a book, lovely btw, with the names in the original order written in the front....what's the point? She won't think of herself as that name when she reads it?

Do what you want or you will regret it and feel your in-law's slave for ever!

I originally chose dd's name because I didn't have the courage to go with her middle name as her first - then really regretted it and swapped them round...after a lot of mental agro......do what YOU want to do, tell your inlaws that's the tradition on YOUR side of the family!

wheresmysuntan · 05/07/2007 13:35

I'm continually baffled by how many in-laws/parents there are out there who seem to think they have a right to interfere.If any of the gp's on either side of our family tried anything like this they would be told in no uncertain terms where to get off but having said that, I really can't imagine any of yhem behaving like this. Perhaps it is because we don't see any of them that often as we all live at least 100 miles away from each other. We don't get the day to day support but we don't get the interference either and that's how I like it.
To the op - stick to your guns.Your child, your decision, none of their business.

squeakybub · 05/07/2007 13:49

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Message withdrawn

theressomethingaboutmarie · 05/07/2007 13:54

They've had their time and their choices - it's your turn and that of your husband. This is YOUR child and that child should be named according to your wishes and not theirs. My concern would be that if you give in on something as fundamental as the name of your own child, what will they demand next?

Stick to your guns - your child, your choice.

Bainmarie · 05/07/2007 13:55

I was also in a very similar situation to you, we just nodded and smiled and then named ds what we wanted to originally anyway.

Iklboo · 05/07/2007 14:00

Tough situattion but it's YOUR child and you name them what YOU want. Nobody has any say in the matter and to try and use emotional blackmail is unforgivable.

Give them a dictionary with the word "no" highlighted - just in case they don't understand it.

Your DH should also stand up to them and tell them he's an adult now and will make his won decisions.

littlelapin · 05/07/2007 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontlookatmeImshy · 05/07/2007 14:07

FIL has no right to dictate what you call your child.

YOUR child = YOUR choice of names.

FIL is using emotional blackmail, turn it on it's head and consider that if FIL respects dh as his son then he will accept whatever name dh (and you) choose.

Don't give in on this, you'll regret it.

ruddynorah · 05/07/2007 14:11

are you and your husband a bit soft? how dare his family dictate like this and how very odd indeed for you both to be questioning how to deal with this. you name your child how ever you wish. it has not even the slightest thing to do with his family AT ALL. you seem quite concerned about what is fair and what is not fair..ie it isn't fair on you or your children not to see your ILs, but what about you?! it is not fair for someone to tell you what to name your child. get a grip. nod and smile, whatever....but do as you please.

chocolateteapot · 05/07/2007 14:13

I personally would refuse to even discuss it with them. Your child your choice, end of story.

maisemor · 05/07/2007 14:20

We named our son after my dad however, it was our idea/decision, nobody told us or suggested that we use his name.

You should try to do what the mother in That 70's Show does, just laugh it off. If they say something to you that irritates/annoys/makes you angry, then dig deep into your tummy and find that highpitched laugh and walk away laughing .

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 05/07/2007 14:28

If I have another little boy his middle name will be Kevin after my dad I am not keen on the name but love my dad very very much and feel this is a lovely way to show him

SweetyDarling · 05/07/2007 14:29

bakerred, did you PILs actually threaten to have no contact with your children or are you just imagining this as the worst case scenario?
I would simply tell them that while you respect them you will not be bullied by them.

Washersaurus · 05/07/2007 14:32

I agree that this is very unfair on you and your DH. I think you should smile sweetly and go ahead and name the baby with your choice of name.

The name tradition in my DH's family is Arthur which his dad was given as a first name. However, he calls himself by his middle name instead. So, I was a bit worried when he mentioned that he thought our DS should be an Arthur too.

We just laughed it off though, DH and I had already chosen a name and agreed that Arthur would be DS' middle name.

DominiConnor · 05/07/2007 15:35

I did once veto one of my nephews names on the grounds that in the daze of having just given birth, his mother hadn't put the first name and last together to form "Skye Brown"

But seriously, I wonder also there is some agenda here that we're missing here ?

I must confess I can't even guess what it might be, since it would never occur to me to try and impose this on anyone.

GogoTheSmall · 05/07/2007 15:52

Bakerred, its sounds to me like they've left it very late in the day for announcements like this. Why didn't they say anything to you in the early days? Or have you only just started discussing names?

Could you maybe say to them that you've already set your heart on the names you've picked - you've had time to get used to them and now they are too closely associated with your dc for you to forget them IYSWIM - you could say 'Oh, if only you'd said something earlier then we could have taken it into account...soz!'

expatinscotland · 05/07/2007 15:55

'If you respect me as a dad you'll do this'.

WTF kind of warped emotional blackmail bollocks is that?

Sorry, but stuff 'em.

If they are willing to lose such a vital relationship over crap like this then the hell with it.

twentypence · 05/07/2007 16:02

My MIL is the most ardent supporter of the 'you gave ds the wrong name' club. Because she didn't really get a say in her first boy (dh) her only girl (pressure from her family this time), by BIL she had got it down to just the middle name that had to be a family name.

I am an ardent follower of the no middle name club, and so there were bound to be classes.

Ds has his own name which nobody in either family had as a first name, and no placatory middle name (as it wouldn't have placated them anyway).

It's okay to remind somebody of a family tradition - but that's all you can do really. Then you have to shut up and let them do things their own way.

Original poster
bakerred · 06/07/2007 14:32

thanks everyone for your comments, they have helped me put some perspective on the situation . currently i am refusing to think about it and letting DH sort this out with his parents.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 06/07/2007 22:24

My cousin in California was in a similar position to you. After the baby was born, the ILs travelled several hundred miles upstate to have a massive argument with their son about the fact that they didn't name said child the way they were instructed to, after which the ILs immediately went off in a huff back to the airport and home. Later, it became increasingly clear that the MIL was suffering from some kind of senile dementia. Relationship with the FIL improved as the naming business became water under the bridge, but the unfortunate MIL is still alive 13 years later, so away with the fairies she didn't even go to her own husband's funeral. She can't care for herself and is a shell of the person she used to be.

The point I'm making is that obssessional and unreasonable behaviour could be a pointer to some sort of mental problem, so you might want to prepare yourself for that
possibility.

twentypence · 07/07/2007 07:59

Good point FIL has mental health problems, and I have noticed MIL getting increasingly strange since Ds was born. They are both old enough to be showing dementia symptoms. Combine that with stubborness and you have a interesting personality.

TrinityRhino · 07/07/2007 08:05

pleeease don not compromise or let them make you change you choice

my parents were a little interfering with the naming of Gecko and in the end I just ignored them and they have had to get on with it.

my mum still forgets her name and then says well its so unusual how am I supposed to remember it

its not that unusual at all, just not what they liked

oranges · 07/07/2007 08:10

hhhm, i agree with the person who said just smile and nod, then out whatever name you want on the birth certificate and use that. we refused to tell people our name before the baby was born, to avoid all this.

SurferRosa · 07/07/2007 08:45

I think you and DH have put a lot into choosing a name you both love and it's not for anyone else to disrespect that. It'd be different if you and DH were atodds but as he is shocked too, I think that gives you a very clear message that they are being quite unreasonable (very) and tbh I would be shocked and appalled if anyone made such a massive deal over something like this - it's like demanding a gesture that shows your 'respect' for them, and the very fact they are demanding it, means IMO that they don't even deserve that respect.

Just as an aside, Ex-P who was there for none of the pregnancy, nasty while we were together, and a total blimp in many respects, decided after I'd named our child that he ws miffed because i hadn't 'consulted' him over the name...BS as I had and he'd had no ideas, and seemed happy when I said I'd let him know the name once it was decided...only to get in a big sulk when I named him myself.
He was always like that though. He even used it (I think?) as an excuse not to turn up to see his new son. (I still don't know why that was but presuming). What an idiot...I'd suggest if they refuse to see your child because of its name, that is reason enough in itself not to bow to their silly requests.

Good luck keeping it all calm!

Elasticwoman · 07/07/2007 20:53

Surfer - hope you find a better partner next time (if you haven't already).