in-laws interfering in name of child

[bakerred]

hi, Need to get some outside perspective on my situation. We are about to have our second child, in 5 weeks time. We have just this week worked out a name we both really like for a boy or a girl - its taken this long :-) Anyway, my husband gets a call from his father today basically saying that he expects us to name the child after his parents , my husband said we have already agreed that the middle name of the child will be the name of his parents. but his dad said no, its traditional to have the first name beginning with the first letter of his parents and that if my husband respects him as his dad he should do this . Well, my husband is in shock and obviously very upset as we have tried to find a name we both like beginning with the first letter of the grandparents but can't find a name we like. I know most people will be shocked and say how disgusting it is that they are asking this, but the fact is that they are and I don't want to loose a relationship about this. I think its not fair on my children to not see their grandparents and also not fair on my husband.
Anyway hope that makes sense, guess I just need some other perspectives about this and how I deal we deal with this.

They have had their chance to name their children. Now it's your turn. It is your choice. Surely your inlaws won't refuse to see a grandchild because they don't like the name you choose? Are your in laws of a different culture? - Just wondered if I'm missing something.

Thats very difficult.
Can you go ahead with your name and find a middle name with their grandparents initial and just tell them when baby born? They surely will love the child when it arrives and maybe the name issue will not be so important then? Surley they would not want to no longer keep in contact if you did choose not to go ahead with their wishes?
Hopefully someone can come along with some good advise for you.

my in laws did this (not the letters but interfered) but after dd was born, really ruined naming her and it ended nobody was truely happy with the choice so i would not compromise as we did

I can appreciate that you don't want to upset your whole family over this, but really - I think something as fundamental as choosing your own child's name cannot be conceded just for a quiet life. It's totally unreasonable of them to try to dictate to you and your dh like this, and I think you should (calmly, pleasantly) stand up for yourself. It isn't a good idea to allow a precedent like this to be set before the baby is even born IMO. Once the baby arrives you will need your autonomy and your sovereignty as parents - I wouldn't let your ILs claim such a huge stake in your parental decision-making this early on.

Just my opinion though, I do quite admire the fact that you are trying to find a diplomatic solution rather than just blowing up over it.

This is so sad, i just think GPs will have to get over it im afraid, especially if you have decided on a name already. You could go for it as a middle name and say that GPs are welcome to refer to DC as XYZ if it means that much to them but just explain that you ahve gone with names that feel right for your baby. I know that when i was chosing my DDs name (guess what it is) it just came to me, i remember as clear as day, i was working from home, just going back to the computor when her name came to me out of the blue. When DP came home from work i said, DDs name is Lucy. He said that is nice name but why, i said i dont know, its her name. It was like she told me, iyswim.

my cousins dad could never come to terms with what he felt was an efeminate (is that a word) name for his grandson. So, he called him Bill, nice and OTT manly, a bit tongue in cheek, it stuck, nobody minded, it became a pet name, i think thats nice. My SIL chose a bit of a poncy name for her DD, but the more i think about it the more i like it, trouble is, GPS and BIL dont like it (they can't spell it!) so they call her by her middle name, if i were the mother id be pissed off but i think its ok with them. Families hey.

A tough one! All i would say is that I think a child has the right to be named for themselves, no one else, but understand you want to keep the peace. I think your middle name idea is a good compromise and would just echo other posters, surely your in laws would not deny themselves the chance to know their grand child because of any "mistakes" you and your husband have made? If so then perhaps they'll get over it in time! Remember your child has to live with their name for a lifetime. Good luck with everything! xx

I'm surprised your FIL hasn't brought this up before now as you already have one child. Is he just looking for a reason to get shirty? Are your inlaws from a different culture to your own i.e. there may be different expectations involved (but surely then your husband would have been aware of them)?

Ultimately, I think you should ignore them. They are not being reasonable. You are the ones who choose the name and register the child, it has got to be your choice. Be polite but firm. If they choose to throw their toys out of the pram, that's their look-out.

Bakerred we went through this! We had no idea that the name we had chosen went against a pil tradition. Announced it excitedly after birth and went down like a led balloon, think mil said they were shocked and upset, lack of respect etc
Anyway we kept it. And i really don't regret it, the gp will love your child and issues re name should fade into the background.
Although it took mil a year to say his name, not ' how's the the bab-bee'.
I'm glad we did as it did set a precedent for other issues, ie that they don't have a say in our parenting decisions - but they do have a very good relationship with their gs.

gOD,WHO DO PEOLE THINK THEY ARE??
lISTEN,NOD PLEASANTLY AND THEN GO AND DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.
tHIS IS THE WAY i LIVE MOST OF MY LIFE AND I have to say it works well.

Sorry but it's your baby you chose their name. With DD1 we told everyone her name before she was born and got mixed responses so with DD2 we told no one her name and said this is her name, it's very unusual so we had a good few looks but only one remark from MIL who said "oh well at least she's healthy" but not to us. Sod it I love her name. Am telling no one DB3s name either.

Hi that is a horrid situation to be in what are the initals we may have some ideas to help if you really feel you have to

My dh and his brothe and my fil all have his gf's name as their middle name - family tradition. The only this is that its hideous (well I think so and my dh had the p**s taken out of him endlessly in school) and there was no way that any of my children were going to be lumbered with it, family tradition or not.
My dh grandmother brought him up and was more like his mother and she dropped loads and loads of hints about names when I was pg but we just nodded smiled and when my ds was born we just announced his name. job done.

Oh dear, I feel for you. When I told my mum the name I'd just thought of for my dd (which turned out to be the one I used) she surprised me by liking it. I'd expected her to dislike it. It certainly made life easier esp as the other name I had lined up for a boy would have been her Dad's name. I had stacks of girls names but only about 6 boys names so I know how hard it is to choose names .

I'm sure they'll come around whatever name you choose unless it really is a big deal to them? I have heard of similar stuff before - and lots of families/cultures do name babies after past family members. My xp was named after a (female!!) relation who'd died not too long before he was born but they're permitted to use foreign-language versions of English names and still respect this rule. Is this a possibility if you decide to go down this route (although personally I wouldn't)?

The eldest son in dp's famiy had been called patrick since the saint of that name drove the snakes out of Ireland - until dp was born in the middle of a fight between dp's dad and his dad. Dp therefore not called Patrick -breaking years of tradition yadayadayada. FIL regretted this all his life, and it was so sad to see his face look all hopeful as each grandson was born , then the disapointment as a different name was chosen. Our ds was born after he had stopped hoping for any more grandcildren, and, as I like the name, we called him Patrick - and caused disporportionate pleasure in the PILs. If it had been a horrid name, I wouldn't have agreed, and, crucially, if fil had ever sad anything about it, I wouldn't have agreed. I thing GP's can hope and hint, but not demand. But I know that when we chose to call our ds by hid ggf's name, we made closure possible on an old fued. And we made fil very, very happy. BUT it is really important not to be bullied. If you choose to please your PILs then that's fine - but it has to be o=yout chioce, not their's.

I maybe an insensitive cow but name them whatever you damn well like and ignore the in-laws.It is YOUR child.

Why has this only come up with your second child? Did they have any opinion on or input into the naming of your first child?

Agree with all these posters who say you and dh have to name your child what you think. You're the parents of this child, are you going to defer to the gp's over everything?
I think it's a very silly gp who looses touch with a gc simply because their parents didn't call them what they wanted.

Had a similar situation with MIL who dragged out a family tree and suggested names in her 'demanding' tone (sorry, you need to know her to know what I mean, but I hope you get what I mean, it didn't sound like a suggestion at all). She even went so far as to suggest we resurrected an old tradition of having some old aunts name as a middle name (omitting to point out that she hadn't used that middle name for either of her sons).

I just smiled and nodded and then named my daughters exactly what I wanted. I work on the theory that any children she pops out, she can feel free to name. Any I give birth to, mine and dp's choice.

If she's not in the registrars office you can always explain it anyhow you like to get either/both of you off the hook but once it's done, it's done.
Don't be emothionally blackmailed into naming your child something you're not happy with.

Just tell them that your parents are insisting on their traditions, sorry.

I agree with Edam, how come they didn't bring this up before, when your first child was born?

DS dad wasn't keen on the name I gave DS but as he had buggered off for most of the pregnancy I didn't think his input was necessary. When he changed his mind and reappeared he asked me what I was going to call the baby, I told him and he wasn't keen but let it go. When DS was a few months old and meeting his other GPs for the first time, his dad asked if we could refer to him by his middle name (the name his dad had wanted him to have in the first place). I said yes initially but as DS grew and started to talk I said he should be called by the name he was given so as not to confuse him. Mind you, we all call him by his initials anyway and always have done, and now evereyone just accepts that his name is his name.

We went for the opposite policy of making sure that our kids did not share any of their names with anyone related to them at all.

However, I once worked with a Chinese ethnic group who apparently have a tradition of having names drawn from successive lines of a poem. I quite liked that.

MIL introduces DS with another name because she doesn't like the one we gave him.

No wonder then that this, among many other things, has caused a family rift, but at the end of the day, DS has a lovely name and limited contact with a horrid granny... which seems to be suiting us all just fine ;)

tell them to fuck off its our baby not theirs

if htey are that petty and botherd they are obvoiuslt so shallow you dont need hem in your life

MY ILs went ballistic before DD was born because of her surname - we chose to give her a double-barrelled surname incorporating both of ours. We had the lot, angry phone calls, letters, tears, threats, emotional blackmail, getting the entire extended family AND MIL's vicar involved, writing to my parents and begging them to intercede.
We stuck to our guns.
And it is all forgotten (except by me).
I would have resented it for ever if I had had to give in. Do what you want.

I really hope that you don't bow to these requests. I think it's too important an issue. Having said that, my parents in law had these problems with my grandparents in law and they went with the first names as the names the grandparents wanted and the second names as the names they wanted. Both DH and his brother have been called by their second name for most of their lives (except by their grandparents)! DH is almost never known by his first name, only on official documents.