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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this bullying?

22 replies

Carpetforsale · 14/02/2019 22:12

Hi all not an aibu but posting for traffic

DD is 10 and quite a sensitive soul. She alway been kind of a mother hen at school in that she will look after the kids in the lower classes instead of playing with her own age group

She's been in tears tonight saying that nobody in her own class wants to play with her. When I quizzed her more she said that if she asks them to play with her they'll just ignore her and walk away. I want to ring the headmaster tomorrow to talk it through with her but I'm not sure what way she'll take it. Nobody's calling her names or anything like that but they are deliberately excluding her

So AIBU in contacting the school about this? Please be gentle my heart is completely broken for her

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 14/02/2019 22:16

Has she said similar often? Year 5 all the friendships seem to be up and down. If this is the first time she's said this, I wouldn't be calling the head. Tomorrow might be different. I would observe first; what happens on play dates, parties, outside of school activities?

cstaff · 14/02/2019 22:17

That sounds like she is being excluded which amounts to the same thing. Poor little kid. That's really tough to take at any age but 10 - that's cruel. Sorry OP.

Original poster

Carpetforsale · 14/02/2019 22:18

She has mentioned it before but she said she plays with the younger age groups when it happens. She hasn't been invited to any parties or playdates either which is worrying too

OP posts:

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 14/02/2019 22:18

10 is a very tricky age, I have one here myself who is a bit of a loner in her own making but still desperate to feel apart of the wider circle.

They are the eldest in the school, have thoughts about moving to senior school and hormones are flying everywhere.

I wouldn’t speak to the head at this point but I would have a quiet word with her teacher to acknowledge her feelings and have a pair of eyes watching over things where you can’t.

I bought my DD a worry book from Amazon which she filled in here and there and gave us a starting point to talk around.

I feel for both of you.

thirstyformore · 14/02/2019 22:19

Agree with the PP that in year 5 girls are all over the place! My previously quite settled and sensible DD has had more fallings out, disagreeements and tears in the 6 months of year 5 than every other year put together!

Give it a bit of time and see I anything changes.

cstaff · 14/02/2019 22:19

Also when she says nobody is she referring to her friends or does she mean the whole class as there is a difference.

Original poster

Carpetforsale · 14/02/2019 22:21

No it's the whole class. She says she doesn't have any friends

OP posts:

aliceandkids77 · 14/02/2019 22:22

Hi darling!
I’m not sure if this is bullying, especially if the kids know how they’re acting at an age like this. I would talk to the head teacher and ask to keep an eye on her. You can take her to do fun activities out of school and spend time with her so she knows she has a friend! Try and get her to have play-dates wirh family friends, such as cousins, god siblings, any kids you know.
Best of luck to you both. x

cstaff · 14/02/2019 22:23

Maybe because she plays with the younger kids then the kids in her class may look on her as one of them ie younger or more immature.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2019 22:25

Best to start with talking to the teacher. If they're not responsive or nothing changes then go to the head. But give the teacher time to sort it first.

Are you friends with any of the mums? Can you organise coffee & play?

llangennith · 14/02/2019 22:28

This is not a case of 'all girls have their ups and downs and friends one day and falling out the next'. Your DD is unhappy and isn't fitting in with her peers. Speak to her teacher to see how she can be helped.

Raven88 · 14/02/2019 22:34

I don't think it's bullying. It's sounds like everyone is already in their friendship group and she missed out on making friends because she was being a mother hen. It's hard to get into an already formed group.

KC225 · 15/02/2019 02:39

Do speak to her teacher, they will have a better idea of her day to day routine. I agree with the above poster, I wouldn't call it bullying - it seems that playing with the younger ones has meant she has missed out on friendship groups. You say she has not been invited to parties or playdates this year ...... Has she had any parties or play dates this year, how was the turn out?

Mediumred · 15/02/2019 03:02

Is there anyone she’s been friendly with in the past whose friendship could do with a little revival? Could you ask them round for a play date? Is she y5 or y6? Just if it’s the latter then you could at least reassure her that soon everyone will be moving on (although it seems a long time when you are 10!). Is it a one- form entry or are there other classes of her own age where she might make some friends? Sorry, lot of questions but just trying to get a picture. I certainly second the idea about not going to the head yet before giving the class teacher a chance to sort it, they should be your first port of call.

headViper · 15/02/2019 03:15

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Emerencealwayshopeful · 15/02/2019 03:35

Is the no friends and no party invites something that has existed for a number of years but she's been happy engaging with younger children?

Or is this a new issue?

Because the answers to those questions matter.

It's also relevant whether she is just at the last stretch of primary school and will be in a new school with a new peer group soon, or if this is the peer group she'll be with longer term?

I think I'd try to find out more from your girl, see if she can describe specific incidents before going further. And then ask her class teacher if she is seeing the same things? Good teachers generally have an idea of what the social dynamics are in a particular year group. Her teacher should be able to help you work out what the best way forward is.

I'm sorry - it hurts to see your children unhappy and not to know what to do about it.

Original poster

Carpetforsale · 15/02/2019 10:29

Thanks for all your replies. I will be speaking to her teacher first the and see what I can find out. This is her last year in primary school and she’s so worried about next year because she thinks the same thing will happen in her new school. A lot of the children in her class are going to the same secondary school but I’m hopeful she will make friends when she’s there

She was invited to a few parties a couple of years ago but that’s only because they were whole class parties. Any parties she’s had were the same but last year she invited 6 friends to the cinema and only 2 showed up

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2019 13:49

Did you speak to the other 4 parents about why they didn't show up? This must be horrible for your daughter and needs to be sorted. But maybe you both need to work out what it is about her personality which makes other children not want to be friends?

emerencealwayshopeful · 16/02/2019 02:48

I'm going to add something that may or not be worth considering. Please disregard if you think I'm overstepping.

Your description of your daughter reminds me of many of the descriptions of girls on the autism spectrum. 10-11 is a normal age for diagnosis to happen. It's really really common for girls to slip under the radar until this age as their hobbies, enthusiasms and more are likely to match typical development when younger while boys will often display obvious traits that ring alarm bells.

Google girls on the autism spectrum and see if any of the descriptions feel familiar. My daughter is benefiting so much from the extra supports we've instituted and explicit social skills lessons she's learnt both with her speech therapist at school and at social skills groups over holiday periods.

But even if you don't find it matches your girl, and I'm completely off, please consider also talking with your gp and looking for a psychologist or counselling for your girl to support her over the massive changes that come with the end of primary and the start of secondary.

And see if there is some activity outside of school where she may be able to make friends. Bonus if that activity includes girls who are not at current school but will be at the same secondary.

Original poster

Carpetforsale · 21/02/2019 10:54

Thank you emerence. I did wonder if she was on the spectrum as she has a DB who is so I’m always on the lookout for signs

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/02/2019 10:56

She alway been kind of a mother hen at school in that she will look after the kids in the lower classes instead of playing with her own age group

Does this not strike you as different ?

Original poster

Carpetforsale · 22/02/2019 13:02

In what way PlainSpeaking?

OP posts:

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