To ask where to turn? * elderly family members*

[supermariossister]

I'm at the end of my rope well and truly and I don't know what else to do, myself and my sister are unofficial carers for my elderly grandparents and we are really struggling.

Both have various health issues but my grandfather's mobility is very poor, he is having multiple falls which they never ring an ambulance for either calling us or on a neighbour. They cannot look after each other any more but will not accept any help I arrange for them, won't have carers. Have turned down stairs lifts, wetrooms ect. I rang social services out of desperation and was told they couldn't refer without the agreement of the couple who wouldn't agree to them coming. I have tried to organise activities with charities, local community centre but they won't attend even though my Nan particularly often complains she wants to go out.

They are so frustrated with each other and argue constantly, putting us in the middle. My Nan has been doing some pretty awful things which seems to be a way of punishing him for his lack of mobility, confusion and the fact he can't look after anymore for example she won't let him use his walking frame in the house as it gets underfoot and looks untidy, she has ruined meals with things he won't eat ( we think he is suffering from some memory issues,very rigid)

I took him out this week first time he has agreed to come out in months and she has fallen out with him for talking to the women at the bank so he won't come out again. I know he is hard to live with but I do think he is suffering from dementia/Alzheimer's.

This in top of doing their admin, appointments, shopping, errands is all too much when we have work and families ourselves.

I am totally at a loss what to do anymore and wondered if anyone had any advice or had experienced anything similar.

Are your own parents around?

It's tough but whilst you are propping them up, social services will leave you to it. You will have to let a crisis develop unfortunately. Stop shopping, cleaning, picking them up off the floor. Contact social services again and explain you are withdrawing your support. That there are two vulnerable at risk adults to whom they have the duty of care, then step away. Tell your neighbour if they call on them when your grandad falls they must leave him be and call an ambulance. There are thousands of elderly people who have no-one so don't feel guilty. Your GP don't feel guilty letting you run yourself ragged. Their wellbeing does not trump yours. It's the only way (ex district nurse).

There is a really good elderly parents thread I'll tag you in. Lots of people with similar experiences who may be able to advise and will definitely offer sympathy while you offload!

are their children still alive? Can you discuss with them?
Otherwise.....
Sit down and explain that if they don't and won't accept help then you have no choice but to start looking for alternatives such as a care home as you cannot and will not take a chance with their safety and wellbeing. You are not a carer and cannot be full time in call.
My ils were the same. Years of refusals. Now have alert bracelets/necklace, carers and weekly ready meals delivered from a phone order service. It has taken stepping back and letting them be miserable before suggesting stuff. Letting go was the hardest thing for them. They deserve to be looked after so why not enjoy it instead of fighting it?

They had 3 children, my mum died in 2012, their son in 2015. Their remaining child lives hundreds of miles away and rarely gets in touch.
I know you are right it's so hard to withdraw when I know that she will be okay but he will be the one who suffers. Needs must though I know.

I’m very surprised social services haven’t come to to assess them..

I called Adult social services on a Friday afternoon when I was at the end of my rope with my parents, I did have a bit of a cry on the phone about how hard it is and a social worker came out Monday morning (I wasn’t there at the time of the visit) and by the time I arrived, they had agreed to carers twice a day, I think mum seeing how kind they were and how they explained the help that they are entitled to persuaded mum that it wouldn’t be all that bad!

Mum has a life limiting illness and struggles with mobility, Dad has some kind of dementia, he’s had a brain scan and we are waiting for formal diagnosis,

Have you tried the Adult Safeguarding person at your council? Tbh, dramatic as it sounds, your GF is a victim of abuse from your GM. Worded like that, it’s not just a situation where two elderly people are no longer coping, your GF is being abused, a victim of domestic violence. I’m sorry to put it like that, but if you use these terms to Safeguarding, then they really have no excuse but to step in.
It may be that you ‘get blamed’ for intervention, it may be you have to really back off until a crisis happens, but until they get some help, then things will not improve. It’s really hard to do this in the short term, to achieve a result, but unfortunately, this is often what has to happen with intractable but vulnerable people.

I am seeing their doctor tomorrow as it's the family doctor and am going to lay on the line how bad things are. Every time the phone rings I think the worst.

It was adult safeguarding I spoke to, She was understanding but said as they both are mentally sound and did not want the referral I would have to persuade them to agree wether that be by speaking to them about it or withdrawing support.