To think this is not acceptable?

[RoastOx]

I don't know whether I'm being over the top because of my relationship with Father but something happened yesterday and the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.

Myself and DF have a very turbulent relationship and its an incredibly long story so I am going ot give as much background as I can in the shortest way possible.

Mother died when I was 8, I grew up to be quite a naughty teenager, caught shoplifting sweets once, used to drink on weekends and sneak out of the house an play truant from school.

I played truant because I was being mercilessly bullied in school. I ran away from home because my dad would bully me.

He used to keep me locked in the house, I wasn't allowed to my friends house. When he was in the pub my 2 older brothers were ordered to watch over me and make sure I didn't leave.

He would use his belt to smack my arse when I was caught doing any of the above. He would constantly tell me my Mother would be ashamed of me. He would come home late and enter my bedroom to verbally abuse me and I would cry most nights.

He once threatened to come to my Grans house (where I was staying) with his rifle because I was caught shoplifting in local shop (age around 12).

I used to lie in bed and my heart would be pounding, waiting for him to put his key in the door.

I left home when I was 16 and things improved.

Nowadays he will tell me I need to lose weight, tell me I have wasted my life by not going to Uni etc etc.

I stopped talking to him around a year and a half ago because he is just toxic as fuck. My brothers are his favourite, he has little time for me. I was told on here (diff username) to cut him off and stop searching for his acceptance. Good advice. I stopped talking to him.

Last 2 weeks I have caved because he has sent me drunken texts asking what he has done. Went to see him 2 weeks ago, was a bit awkward but only stayed 10 mins to drop something off to him.

Yesterday was my birthday and he told me to come up as he has "a little something for me". I wasn't expecting anything, he never so much as sends me a card. Anyhow I went up as it was on my way home and to be honest, I was a little intrigued.

His female friend was there with him and they were both drunk, he turned to ehr and said "remember I said I have a little something for RoastOx?" and he came towards me laughing and did an action as if he was going to flick my nose so I laughed and turned my head.

He tried to get nose (I am aware that this is very strange behaviour) but couldn't so instead clenched his fist and pumelled by shoulder "playfully" about 5 or 6 times whilst laughing. He then carried on around the room to fetch me flowers and £20.

I was in shock and questioned whether this was ok, as I guess I did when I was younger.

Having taken my 4th painkiller I have realised that this is not ok, he fucking hurt me and I'm angry. I am angry that I am toos cared to tell him he hurt me because he just wont understand, and I'm angry that I am too ashamed to tell my DP what happened.

Why am I covering this? Is this abuse, even at my age? He hasn't done anything physical like that since being an adult and it's thrown me.

Tell me I'm not being crazy.

Cut the abusive bastard off. No more chances or excuses. Block him. Don’t give him the chance to bully, manipulate and belittle you, your partner or your future children ever again.

I worry about going NC though. He isn't a well man and the thought of him dying whilst we were arguing made me really anxious.

Given that this is a man who is prepared to assault you for fun, his state of health is really not your responsibility. Your brother can look after him if he needs it. I can't see any reason for keeping him in your life, to be honest.

You're not being over the top and you're not crazy.
Your dad, on the other hand, has treated you appallingly. He sounds an abusive bully. He also sounds like the sort of person who would try to dismiss it as a 'joke', or say you're over-reacting, if you tried to have a normal conversation about his behaviour. It's like the sort of thing a playground bully would do. An inadequate person who gets their kicks out of humiliating someone ostensibly weaker.
I would try to cut him out of your life, which I know is easier said than done, and try to be really kind to yourself. You are strong. He is weak and pathetic.
It was emotional to read this. It must have been really awful and painful - emotionally as well as physically - to have actually experienced it.
I hope you have someone who will just hug you.

Thank you everyone.

I find it incredibly difficult to speak to him about anything, when sober he is like a brick wall.

I dont want to tell DP because I will likely become upset, and I hate getting upset in front of her. She is very supportive though and I know she will look after me. I will wait until I have calmed down then mention it to her.

Don't be embarrassed to tell your partner, if she loves you she will understand. I would block him from making contact as it only makes you unhappy.

He sounds like a right bastard - why have him in your life? As for his not being a well man - well, that's not for you to worry about. Not your responsibility at all, roast let him simmer. Get on with your own life and put him out of mind - easier said than done I know. You deserve better, much better.

Sweetheart, think about this: if a stranger did this to you in the street or a pub, you wouldn’t think twice about calling the Police. It’s assault. It’s a crime. It’s not your fault.

He isn't a well man and the thought of him dying whilst we were arguing made me really anxious. Understandable, what you want is what most people have, a father who cares for you and wants the best for you. Unfortunately, for no fault of your own, you do not have such a father, and more unfortunately you never will have. That’s a lot to get your head around and comes to terms with. That’s where counselling could help.
Please, for your safety and well-being, both physical and mental, protect yourself from his malign behaviour.

I am too embarassed to tell DP. I don't want her to know how bad he is. I have only introduced them once in the 6 years we have been together

My God, OP, I am literally begging you to tell your DP. You have done nothing wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your DP probably has an inkling anyway and will only want to support you and help you through this.

You’ve done amazingly to get through such an awful childhood and create a stable, functioning adult relationship and you’re also going to make a fantastic and empathetic Mum.

You need to tell your partner so you’re fully supported. If you haven’t told her and aren’t being honest with her, that gives your DF some sort of negative influence on your relationship because you’re not being entirely honest. Don’t give him that satisfaction.

Your DP is your family now as will any future children. Please be honest with her, it will be far better for your relationship and children if you do that.

Like pp I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and I agree counselling would be sensible.
Also you should tell your partner because should a baby come along you both need to know who and what you’re dealing with here. your children will be your priority going forward
Although going totally no contact would be best for all of you
Time to put you first op

You managed to stay away for so long and now the bollix has reeled you in again. Please for the sake of your mental health stay away from now on. Block his number. Have nothing to do with him ever again. He is an evil piece of shit. If he dropped dead tomorrow you wouldn't have to shed tears or even go to his funeral. If he gets ill you don't have to help him. He has done nothing positive for you and has left you a quivering wreck in your adult life, pandering to him and accepting his manipulation. Tell your partner what happened. Get the support you need from therapy and hopefully in another few months you will be so much stronger and able to ignore the fact that this vile man even exists.

Going no contact is a very difficult thing. I made that decision with 2 family members a few years ago and it was a real struggle. I'd get messages and have to work incredibly hard to resist temptation, I got through it with the support of my partner. He kept me strong and reminded me each time that if I slipped and let them back in, what would the cost be? Was it worth it? No was the answer and I slowly got used to life without them.

Last week an emergency family event meant I had no choice but to face them. Once the emergency was over they tried all of their old tricks and I just felt a wave of calm come over me. I'm finally done. It's over and I don't care what they say or do any more.

My situation was far less serious than yours is so it's not comparable but I wanted to post because I know it ends. It's gradual and you don't notice it but at some point you will stop caring, stop feeling guilty.

Tell your partner. You are there to support each other which means leaning on her when you need to just as you would want her to lean on you when needed. She would want to know and want to help you.

Good luck with your future and your family, build a family that's safe and loved. Give them everything you always deserved xx

Just stay away from him.

He's an alcoholic, a homophobic alcoholic, who brings nothing nice to your life. He doesn't love you the way you should be loved. You owe him nothing.

You feel anxious about hm dying whilst you are "arguing" because the child in you wants everything to be made better and resolved and to have a lovely father who loves her and who she loves.

But - you don't have that. It is shitty and unfair and I am incredibly sorry.

Get some counselling. It will help you see that it is impossible for you to "fix" this relationship and that it harms you to stay in touch.

Why put yourself through any of the agony discussing IVF or anything at all with him? You owe him nothing.

OP, the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment, it should be his to carry, not yours. You were a child, a grieving child, and he failed you as a father and protector. He is still failing you now and gives no sign this will ever change.

The fact you worry about him dying while you argue and that you don't want to burden your DP shows how big your heart is. That the child who got into trouble young is a good person. You turn that big heart towards yourself. Show yourself the love and acceptance you deserve and that your father could never give you.

If you can get counselling, please consider it. If you can find the courage to talk to your DP, please try.

The fact you worry about him dying while you argue and that you don't want to burden your DP shows how big your heart is. That the child who got into trouble young is a good person. You turn that big heart towards yourself. Show yourself the love and acceptance you deserve and that your father could never give you

This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kind words @KM99

My DP knows a lot of what went on when I was a child. Her upbringing was so different to mine (although she did have some problems).

I look back and question what exactly he did do for us. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt because I can't imagine how he felt, losing his wife.

But then I remember the times where he would send us to Kwik Save, 11yo, 13yo and 15yo to do the weekly shop and carry it all the way back home. The times when he used to give us chores to do before school (fine), but would feel the hoover when he got home, if it was still wamr it meant he knew I had done it after school instead of when I was told. Or if there were soap suds in the sink, this would mean I also left dished until after school. He woul shout and scream at me.

When I ran away from home ages 11 then changed my mind and put my note in the bin. He found it, it said something like I was going to ring the NSPCC and report his cruelty. He laughed with his friend in front of me about it.

I fucking hate him, but cant help feeling guilty for doing so.

Sorry for typos. I forgot how much stuff I had blocked out and it's bloody flooding back. I am going to book a counselling session!

If you go NC then you can't argue.

The guilt and worry about your dad dying is part of the whole toxic dynamic. My parents do the same, and actively lie to support this too.

If it makes you feel better send him a letter to say you love him deeply and always will, but that is the last time you will be his punch bag. And then cut him off. That way if anything happens to him your conscience is entirely clear.
It doesn’t matter what he thinks or does with the letter, the letter will be for your benefit. So that you can let go with kindness and without regret.

I found this supremely comforting.

Change your number, tell your dp what is happening and move on with your life. He does not deserve any more of your energy op. Make plans for the future now, get a good counsellor and enjoy your life as your mother would have wanted.

Oh OP I’m so sorry your father is so awful. I think it speaks volumes that his abuse is so ingrained that you’re not sure if you’re overreacting, you’re not – this is awful. You deserved unconditional love from him when you were a child, and you deserve now. He let you down massively. I hope you know the way he treats you is all about HIS issues, none of this is your fault.
I do agree with pp that I think cutting ties is the best way to proceed. I know it’s hard when people have been a constant presence in our lives for so long, but blood isn’t enough of a tie to put up with this behaviour.

He sounds like an utterly vile human being. You owe it to yourself to erase him from your life. And you owe it to him too - he bloody deserves it.

I’m so sorry, you really don’t deserve that abusive behaviour. Please don’t spend the rest of your life, or any time at all, trying to have a normal healthy relationship with an abusive person like this. See him for what he is, not what you’re hoping he might become. This is as good as it gets, and it is not good at all. I forgave my father for past violence and really awful behaviour, kept my mouth shut and pretended he was over his past ... my stepmother later died from suicide after his horrible abuse. Get away and stay away.