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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there might be something wrong with my sister?

44 replies

blackeyes · 13/02/2019 18:24

She is nearly 40, has never had a boyfriend and I'm pretty sure is still a virgin.

She wanted to be married and have children and she still says she'd like to have a child.

But she seems resigned to never having a relationship.

OP posts:

Echobelly · 13/02/2019 19:52

Who knows? My SIL is in early 30s - beautiful, accomplished (as in involved in reported-in-national papers and speaking/teaching all over the world accomplished), stylish, confident and lovely but has never had a relationship that anyone knows of. I don't think there's anything wrong with her - I think it might be in part that I reckon she'd like a quiet, understated guy but those sorts of guys would assume she's out of their league, and the sort of confident flashy guys that would approach her aren't up her street, and she's too kind of laid back to start things going herself.

MaudebeGonne · 13/02/2019 19:56

By this time I. Her life she has probably seen lots of friends stuck in awful partnerships, potential and energy wasted. Maybe she holds herself to a high standard and hasn’t met anyone worth giving up her freedom for.

PeterPiperPickedWrong · 13/02/2019 19:58

I used to work with someone similar.
Excruciatingly shy and had never been kissed.
Heading for 40, living with parents, has family holidays with them. She is lovely but you would think of her as a girl really as she is just so immature, giggly, innocent and unworldly. Maybe the problem is they’ve kept her as their little girl-who knows?

Does your sister live alone? Work? Have a good group of friends?

Original poster

blackeyes · 13/02/2019 20:08

Where am I judging her?

She works FT. Her friends have young kids.

OP posts:

JazzyBBG · 13/02/2019 20:17

I have a friend very similar. I wonder why because she genuinely seems to have no interest in men (or women) but gets cagey if you ask why.

SaturdayNext · 13/02/2019 20:18

Has she considered adopting?

formerbabe · 13/02/2019 20:23

I know someone similar. I'm very curious to know the reasons but wouldn't dream of saying anything to them about it.

SoftSheen · 13/02/2019 20:28

She might be asexual.

domton · 13/02/2019 20:30

This thread is doing nothing for my paranoia, wondering who knows me ;)

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/02/2019 20:32

I know a guy like this.

He has particular expectations that are unrealistic. He isn’t interested in asking out single women. He only goes for those that are quite clearly with someone whilst they are out with their dhs or bfs.
He doesn’t seem to see what other people see.
He was at an event. Mainly couples. Couple at another table. Husband goes to the loo and in he goes trying to hit on the wife.

He has always lived at home.

LavendarBlue · 13/02/2019 20:52

Your sister sounds like my friend who is gay but too afraid to come out to her family. I'm not saying your sister is gay, but that people don't always tell their families everything.

Are you close? Could you try to spend more time together and see if you can find out if she's happy - and if not if there's anything you can do to help?

Bluerussian · 13/02/2019 20:53

I doubt there's anything wrong with your sister, it just happens like that sometimes. She won't be the only one and, who knows, she could meet someone nice this year - never too late! Let's keep fingers crossed for her but, far more importantly, is that she has a rewarding career.

slashlover · 13/02/2019 20:54

She is nearly 40, has never had a boyfriend and I'm pretty sure is still a virgin.

Me too!

She wanted to be married and have children and she still says she'd like to have a child.

Is she doing anything about it? Is she trying to widen her social circle or try to meet men?

kateandme · 13/02/2019 21:03

is she unhappy in herself?and her life?
would there be anything you could do to help.
could you help her get out or would you go with her for a few times?
if shes telling you she wants all these things but cant I think that might be her reaching out a bit.
it must be really hard for her if shes yearning for it and for some reason cant.

NameChange4140 · 13/02/2019 21:48

She sounds very like a relative of mine, she and her sister live together- the relative I speak of 40 and her sister 50. Relative is very shy and has always put men on pedestals- as does her sister. Her room has posters of singers/ actors she has a crush on. Both sisters are into a hobby that they both follow a local team. The players of hobby are amateurs/semi professional but receive a small wage. They look at what are just normal men like they are super stars and turn giggly and girly when around them.

I suspect older relative is on the autistic spectrum (I am but it hasn’t impacted me to the extent it has my relative) and is asexual. I think she made the decision twenty years ago that she had no plans to meet anyone and start a family. She is happy as she is living with her sister.

Younger relative is very influenced by her older sister and despite wanting a partner and children of her own, she has allowed her sister to sabotage any relationship that she has almost entered. I noticed this unhealthy dynamic twenty years ago and tried to support younger relative and encourage her to build a life outside of her sister. Younger relative is very overweight but has worked hard to lose weight and yet her much thinner sister repeatedly sabotaged/s her diet by buying high calorie and sugary treats and encouraging her sister to binge on them. Younger relative struggles with willpower and her sister knows this. Which is why younger relative makes sure not to buy any high calorie or high sugar treats to be tempted by .

Younger relative has been friends with several men who were definitely interested in her and she very much interested in them. However her older sister would repeatedly tell her that these men were ugly/ boring/ only wanted to use her. So she would be confused and distance herself from them. Meaning older sister got her own way and was able to continue living life as she wanted.

What I find sad is that older relative has had a few long term relationships with which to base her decision to stay single. Yet she has deprived her younger sister of experiencing love just because it would put a spanner in the works of her happy existence.

Younger relative has allowed her older sister to do this though, so is to blame in her own way. I think perhaps she is afraid of change and experiencing new things- she might have social skill issues herself. Both women are living the same life they lived twenty years ago- neither really changing from their younger selves. When I think of how much I have grown and changed in the last twenty years, I can’t imagine still living as I did twenty years ago....I don’t think either women are particularly happy which does make me sad. It would be easier to not think about it and just be happy for them if they were happy in how they live. I know their Mother worries a great deal about them.

PhilipSteak · 13/02/2019 21:56

Namechange that is so horribly sad for your younger cousin.
What a wasted life.

OP if fear and lack of confidence is really entrenched (about her sexuality or ability to be in a relationship) it seems easier to not take a risk.

Thatsnotmyotter · 13/02/2019 21:57

Sounds quite like my SIL. She’s late 30s and AFAIK never had any intimate relationships. She doesn’t seem to want a relationship though and I don’t think she’s ever wanted kids. I’ve often wondered if she’s asexual or maybe gay and not comfortable with it. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s perfectly possible to live a fulfilling life as a single person but she does seem quite lonely.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/02/2019 21:59

I have a friend who works in a particular academic area and a lot of the people she works with are like this.
Friend married 3 times and 5 children is definitely the oddity.

Whilst they all want a partner and a family of their own none seem to understand that the potential partner isn’t going to swoop into their lives and ask them out when they are sitting in their homes alone.

Friend thinks that none of them put any effort into going out in order to meet anybody. She thinks some probably tried it once and it didn’t work out. (I.e it wasn’t live at first sight) so gave up

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 13/02/2019 23:09

I have a friend like this. We're getting on for 40 now and AFAIK she's still a virgin (she's been fairly honest on this topic in the past and nothing's changed that I know of). I feel sorry for her as she has said she wants kids, a partner, all of it.

I think she is desperately insecure; she says her status is because of her weight, but we have other friends larger than her in LTRs, so she knows it isn't that. I think it's the way she behaves regarding romance: it's the scared, avoiding behaviour of a teenager in many ways. The thing is, if she keeps it up she'll be alone forever. We try to buoy her up but she really needs to believe in herself and her own worth before anything can happen. It's desperately sad to see. I wish things were better for her.

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