To not let my 4yo join in with class treat because he was violent?

[Ribbonsonabox]

I've never had to deal with this before because up until now hes been the sweetest gentlest boy you could imagine! So I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not here.
When I picked him up from school I was told he had received a punishment for trying to strangle another boy... the teacher seemed quite shocked by it as apparently it left a mark and the other boy was in tears and very frightened.
I'm really appalled and was furious.
We usually go for a coffee and cake after school together on a weds but instead we went straight home and he was sent to his room.
He was crying and saying sorry a lot.
It's his class treat tomorrow and they get to bring in a toy. Would I be unreasonable to not let him join in or is this overkill?
Hes fallen asleep in his room now which indicates the problem mightve been tiredness. I have a 7month old who's been waking in the night recently.

I'm really shocked by this as I dont even know how he wouldve thought to do that!!

Am i overreacting? What do you think i should be doing about it?

I think the punishment side of things is done now but I really think you need to get to the bottom of:

a) Where he copied the strangling from - where has he seen that?

And:

b) Appropriate ways of treating people when we don't like them very much.

He also needs to apologise to the boy.

I'd let him take the toy.

But talk to teacher. Tell her what you did and said at home. Agree he's been given fresh opportunity and agree consequence should he decide not to take it.

Usually works out well when child knows all adults age on the same side!

My brother put his fist through the bathroom window aged 3, because he'd seen it on the A Team. My mother told him to get out of the bath but he didn't want to. She turned off the light (not a great move and not something I'd do as a parent now), but the light from the landing was still shining in - he hopped out of the bath and put his fist through the window. Thankfully he was alright. He never did anything like that again.

I think the telling off and loss of cake and being sent to his room was punishment enough for a just four year old.

I get that it's hard to draw the whole story out of them at such a young age. The only further follow up I'd do is to sit with him and gently explain about how dangerous it was and suggest more appropriate ways of dealing with people he doesn't like.

I agree with what others have said, you have punished him and I expect school has punished him so he shouldn’t miss out tomorrow, he’s only 4 and it’s not something he has done before (hopefully a one off).

Ask the teacher if she saw what happened immediately prior to this. One of mine did something similar (or so it looked) at a playgroup when he was about the same age. Unfortunately the teacher was retrieving something from a toy cupboard and had turned her back but of course, the other mother walked in and saw what looked like my son trying to yank the sweater of the other little boy. She went ballistic, and refused to allow her son to stay if mine remained. I was so annoyed I picked him up and left, - (Of course I should have stood my ground. 20-20 hindsight.)
The teacher phoned me later and explained that my son had been pushing the other child away because he had been trying to hug my son constantly. The teacher had repeatedly told this little boy that it was too much, and of course, when he did it when the teacher wasn't looking, my son took matters into his own hands.
Long story short, there was a reason why my son acted the way he did. It's not good that your son hurt another child, but there will be a reason.

Ask things like ‘What did he say that made you not like him?’ ‘What did he do that made you not like him?’ Be specific to help him answer.

Don’t tell him to apologise to the boy. You have no idea why he did it and there might be a pretty good reason. Just because he hasn’t yet been able to explain it, doesn’t mean he wasn’t justified in doing it.

I wouldn’t have punished him tbh, I’d have carried on as normal until I knew what had happened from his point of view. If this other kid had hurt him first, I wouldn’t punish him for defending himself. I would explain that the FIRST option is to run away and tell an adult, but if he couldn’t get away then it’s fine to do what it takes to stop someone hurting you.

As to where he’s seen it...4 year olds don’t live in a bubble. They go to nursery, school, friends houses, grandparents, babysitters, and they play in the playground...you can’t control everything they see or talk about.

Yes he’s already been punished

Don’t drag it out

My 3 year old started to try strangling his sister. Turns out he was trying to copy Homer in the Simpsons. We sat him down and explained why it was wrong.

And then stopped him watching simpsons

I would be like you OP and see red and want to punish, punish, punish. But at four they’re very in the moment.

Could you write a letter together and get him to dictate an apology note to the little boy, sign his name and draw a picture. Physically getting him to ‘apologise’ would have more impact than taking the toy away.

The teacher told me he has already apologised to the boy. The teacher did not name the boy (as is their policy) but my son told me his name. It's someone he usually plays with. But again I cant be sure that what my son is telling me is accurate as sometimes he just makes things up if he thinks you want him to say something. He doesnt always remember names so it might be that hes just saying the name of someone he knows.

It's really shaken me. I'm glad I posted for opinions because it seems unanimous that I'd be overreacting to continue punishing him.
Its shaken me because when I was younger I was in an abusive relationship with someone who strangled me until I passed out. So I'm finding this hard to deal with.
What I think I'll do is get my husband to talk with him when he gets home and see if he can get the situation any clearer. I dont think my husband will overreact hes usually very measured.
I'll certainly let him take his toy in to school tomorrow.
I hope it's just a one off random thing that hes seen somewhere and not really understood how dangerous it is... and maybe he was just over tired and didnt cope with anger as well as usual due to that.
It's good hes had a long nap now. Hopefully my baby will sleep through tonight and we will all get a bit more sleep!
I'm quite upset by it I feel like I've done something wrong for him to do that... but I know I'm being over emotional about it due to my experiences.... hes very young and probably did not really realise how frightening he was being to the other boy. Hes never been in trouble like this before.

He's been dealt with by school and by you.

DS1 did something similar at the end of his first half term in yR. He was tired and ripe for a break. His friend was playing in a way that didn't conform to DS's aspirations and DS unleashed his frustration badly. He's y3 now and hasn't done anything like it since as he has matured and developed his communication skills.

It's helpful if you can find out a bit more about what built up to it. It's not the way to deal with frustration/ tiredness/ conflict and hopefully he should have that message now. Fortunately it is unlikely to be the sign of anything more worrying as unpleasant as it is.

I agree any punishment should be immediate and brief, actually as it happened at school you were already too late. 4 year olds are very uncomplicated and I think its pointless trying to get a reason out of him. I would be interested to know what was happening immediately before which would be illuminating. Unless the teacher saw what they were doing you may never know. He just needs to know he must not hurt other children. If someone does something he doesn't like he should hold up his hand and say No don't do that. Violence in little ones is often when they feel overwhelmed and helpless so giving them a tactic helps. He won't understand reasons so I wouldn't bother asking him. He has very likely frightened himself. Don't be too upset. It wont be about a birthday party

It's first first screw up definitely let him take the toy tomorrow. If he did this regularly then my answer would be different but kids sometimes do random impulsive things like this and as it's unusual, I think tomorrow needs to be a fresh start and the no cake punishment was fair.

People at school can be annoying and there's no escaping them. Have a chat about dealing with annoying people (I'm assuming that it's not more deeper than that)

Same as most PPs
Your punishment was enough

Let him join in tomorrow with his classmates OP

I agree he's had his punishment. Treat tomorrow what it is another day.
You're a good nurturing mum though instilling discipline.

He's been punished. He's only 4.

soubriquet my DS had the same. They all started strangling each other in Y1 and I asked DS where he'd got it from... turns out one of the kids in his class was allowed to watch the Simpsons and was copying Homer when he wrings Bart's neck!

I've found not liking is temporary too. Does he mean at that moment he didn't like x for some reason? Getting too close? Fight over a toy? And getting into trouble obviously prolonged it a bit. I'm not one for forced apology letters either. They are not sincere and don't really mean anything, especially to a 4 year old who is probably baffled as to why a forgotten momentary incident is being dragged out for so long. Unless it becomes a repeated behaviour I'd just put it behind you now.

There's a Spike in testosterone at 4 apparently. Little angels can turn into little devils.

Mine did. We were told by the nursery to treat it very seriously so as to nip it in the bud. So we had consequences at home for any bad behaviour at nursery. But the next day was a new day and a new chance to be good.

We also had a star chart as a motivator. They love picking the star stickers and putting them on. We put a sad face on the days he was naughty and he really understood that.

But this is a tricky age so don't beat yourself up too much. It's an age where discipline ramps up a gear which is shit for the parents to have to do, but necessary.

Punishments delayed by so long won't help a child that young. It'll just make him think he's bad rather than he did something bad. It sounds like he lost control of his temper rather than decided to do it so I'd want to know why. I'd be concerned if it happened again.

A four year old can definitely understand a conversation about this. "We don't hurt or attack other people. If you don't like him then avoid him, there are plenty of other children in your class. If he is bothering or upsetting you then tell the teacher. Whether you like him or not you hurt and scared him and that's unacceptable, you need to apologise." Then let him move on from it, he's had his consequence, no need to go overboard.

My four year old gets very overwhelmed when there is a lot of noise, shouting, shoving going on in her class, or a social problem. She goes into the quiet corner in the classroom and asks to be left alone for a few minutes then rejoins the class once she's regained control of her emotions. At the last two parents meetings the teacher has said she is disconcerted by this, even though its only happened about 4/5 times per term. I told her we fully encourage it and as long as she is neither being disruptive nor attention seeking, its a very healthy way for her to react to stress, rather than lashing out, crying, tantrumming etc as most of the other reception class children do.