Aibu to think we can't be friends anymore?

[RosieLancs]

Bare with me because this is going to be a long one....
A while ago I posted about a male friend I had a crush on, mumsnetters convinced me he liked me too so I told him how I felt and got rejected, he said he liked me too but we argue too much which is a fair observation.

Anyway, since then we'd become really good friends, he is like the only person I can talk to about my past and my ptsd (from a previous extremely abusive relationship), he's always been there when I needed him including coming over when my ptsd is acting up and just holding me on the sofa while I slept. He really has gone above and beyond to look out for me while my mh issues have been bad.
He is an awesome person who appears to do the right thing.
We volunteer for the same homeless project on the weekend and see each other during the week for coffee / dog walks.

During this time there's been another woman who keeps messaging me telling me how much they talk and how I need to back off etc. (worth mentioning she does have a record for lying and once made false accusations against a guy she'd briefly dated and got him arrested)
It happened again yesterday with her saying they were always talking and I needed to leave him alone etc and I'm ashamed to admit I threw an almighty tantrum at him about it because I thought he'd been discussing me with her.
He denied it and said he barely speaks to her and hasn't spoken to her at all in a while. I then sent him the screenshots and he confronted her and apparently she denied it all.
He told me he didn't know who to believe, then ensued more arguments during which he said stuff like he was fed up with this
keep happening with me accusing him of stuff he hadn't done and that he guessed he was just going to have to wait around again until I decided whether to believe him or not. He did also say he believed me after her reaction or something.
I apologised for my reactions and thought we were on good terms.
Truth be told my gut says he is being honest.
I woke up in the middle of the night and realised not only did he think I would lie to him about it he also thought I would go to the trouble of making up a fake fb account in her name and faking messages just so I could send him the screenshots and it stings to realise he thinks so little of me.
I believe him but at the same time I can't see what her reason to lie would be.
I can also understand how he's offended I always jump to the worst conclusion about him on often spurious grounds.

Am I right in thinking we can no longer be friends and I really need to distance myself from him to get space.
I hate the fact I feel so jealous around him even though I have no right to be.
It hurts he thinks I would lie like that and to that degree.
I think I've become too reliant on his support and my feelings for him have become very confused.

I'm aware my behaviour had been horrible here, when my ptsd is playing up I have very little emotional control, I'm not using that as an excuse just explaining things, I nearly name changed for this post but I've seen a lot of troll accusations today so didn't.
I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's an awesome friend and all round good guy but I don't really see any other way to get some equlibrium back in my life.

Thankyou for reading this, it's helped enormously just writing it down.
Apologies for it being so long and whiny!

I think you need to have a heart to heart. It sounds like you want more and you need to find out his stance on it all - is it something more or not. If it’s a ‘not’, and if being friends isn’t working for you and no contact is the only way you can deal with it then maybe that’s what needs to happen.

You’ve no right to be jealous but nor should you be subject to crap off his other female friends (it sounds like the other lady concerned may feel like you - ie, that there is something more between them). Is he leading lots of ladies on?....

@Deerstalker I did tell him months ago and he said he felt the same but that we argued too much, at the time I was totally mortified but somehow we ended up being really good friends, he's been incredibly supportive to me with my ptsd and with my ex husband making a reappearance.

As for the woman, she is a mutual friend and she has form for telling lies, she once randomly told a male friend of mine that I was completely in love with him (definitely wasn't) then proceeded to make a move on him etc.

I'd like to think he wouldn't string people along or play games with them but he is a very chatty and friendly guy.

In my experience if there’s feelings that aren’t reciprocated, then the friendship will at some point end in tears. You also have the fact you’re quite vulnerable and the roles you both have in the friendship, ie the supporter and the supported. It’s unbalanced.

I can totally understand you blowing up but I think a casual “Hey, you’d tell me if I was getting in the way for you? It’s just that Mary is texting me, telling me off for taking up so much of your time”. You can’t be mad at him for someone else’s actions.

He's gaslighting you. He is also having the same 'friendship' with the other girl OP. Walk away. It will hurt but walk away.

I'm sorry but I also think he's gaslighting you.
You have given him proof of this woman messaging you, yet he's said he doesn't know who to believe? Has he actually said that he thinks you've made up a fake account and faked the messages? Because that sounds like classic deflection unfortunately I have first hand experience
Is it possible that he has been sharing more with this woman about you, and possibly telling her it's all you do she has felt the need to step in? Now he's been found out he's trying to deflect wrongdoing onto you and her. Playing one off against the other.
I don't think you should persue this friendship, cut ties with both of them.

@Ihaveabloodyheadache He didn't actually say that, it's what I inferred from him saying he didn't know who to believe.

I know I need to walk away I just lack the willingness to do so.

Tell him your walking and why then block him in case he tries to Hoover you back

@RosieLancs
I don't think he thinks that, I think he's feigning confusion and not knowing who to believe because he knows exactly what has happened and why.

You're right, you do need to walk away, it will be really hard but better for you in the long run.

I can't get my head round 'He doesn't know who to believe' when he has the messages, even if she's denied it having those messages is proof so how can he not know?

I'm sorry you're going through this, sometimes though we're actually at our strongest when we feel at our weakest

I think you need to block both of them and get some distance. This really isn't healthy.

Sounds like hes got you dangling. Shes a red herring. Id cool it off. Seems like a gf-bf relationship without sex!

Thankyou ladies for your advice and views.
I really don't want to think he's gaslighting me then again that is the whole point of gaslighting I suppose.

He genuinely has been there for me in a way that goes above and beyond, he's driven over to my town at midnight to check on me when my ex husband got out of prison and was calling me and when I've been upset and just needed a hug.He really does put himself out to be there for me.

I guess I just wanted to believe there was someone that nice out there and I'm struggling with the notion it was all an act.

I'm sorry @RosieLancs, it's horrible feeling like someone who has seen you at your most vulnerable has been less than truthful. I do think it sounds like he has a similar relationship with this other woman and he's trying to keep himself out of trouble by playing one off against the other. But regardless of that from your own description and feelings, I think for your own sanity you need to back away for a bit at least.
I fell for a friend once, we spent a lot of time together after both coming out of relationships at about the same time, it was almost a year we messaged every day, saw each other every day, he helped me move home, we even went to a festival and stayed together. Even his mum made jokes about us being so close. I genuinely think he tried to make himself fall for me because he did like me, we had an easy and fun friendship and it appeared it would have been the 'perfect' relationship. But he just didn't feel that way and when I realised that, and that he wanted me around but at that point there's no way I could have coped watching him with someone else, I needed to back off myself and give myself some distance.
We're still friends now, I love him to bits but I needed that distance for perspective, he's with someone now and very happy - and I'm genuinely happy for him now, she's great.

I would send your friend one final message saying you apologise for your over reaction but the situation has shown you that the intensity between you cannot continue as it is, your feelings and trust in him is obviously not mutual and that you need to step away right now. No bad feelings, best wishes for the future. Then do not contact him again.

I would then distance yourself as much as possible. His reaction to this will tell you everything you need to know. Ie if he fights for your friendship/wants more, or respects your decision easily. If he is happy to walk away, then it's best he does it now and then you know where you stand and can move on.

As others have said, this is a really unhealthy dynamic between you and this man. He's rejected you as a romantic partner but he's still basically acting as one minus sex (holding you while you sleep ffs!?) Maybe he's a "white knight" type who gets an ego boost out of "saving" people, women in particular, and whether he's aware of it or Not, keeping you dangling is cruel and is actually more about about feeding a need in him, than helping you. You are vulnerable and he knows it. While he's in your life to this highly intense degree, you'll never move on from him and potentially meet someone else. It will be hard but you really, really should cut contact with him. And yes, this other woman is a red herring. Good luck.

Very confusing dynamic for you both. He wants to be friends but you are kind of treating him more like a romantic partner minus the sex. The other woman just sounds like a potty, jealous shit stirrer.

Get help for your PTSD and either move your friendship to a more normal footing ( Dogwalk good, snuggling on sofa not good) or else take a break in the friendship and sort out your own issues.

It’s not healthy to rely on him for long term support and not work hard on getting better. If you are in therapy or having treatment then I suggest discussing this there and working out how to move forward.

Thankyou everyone for your perspectives and advice.
I've come to the conclusion that despite all the good things this 'friendship' actually causes me a lot of upset and anxiety and whilst I will be incredibly sad to lose him from my life distancing myself is the best thing to do. I just need to decide if I can even continue to volunteer in the same place or whether a completely clean break is needed.

I think it's awkward when someone confesses to feelings and it's not reciprocated. The person with the crush is embarrassed and rejected and the crush begins to question their behaviour wondering if they are giving out mixed messages or false hope.

I think you need a break away from this man - you are too invested. Do you have someone else to confide in, another friendship you could cultivate? You don't have bin him off but a cooling off would do you the world of good.

I read a thing about Simon Cowell once, that he used to invite all his ex's along with his current girlfriend on luxury Caribbean holidays. The women would all bicker and bitch and he would love them all fighting over him. Other posters above have called this man out for gas lighting. He is not entirely innocent. Protect yourself OP. He may not be the prize you seek.