To invest in performing arts training for my shy DD

[Mummadeeze]

My lovely DD is 10 and has been training on weekends and after school in drama, singing and dance since she was a toddler. I probably started her off on it because I went to a stage school and love all the performance arts myself. But being completely honest, she loves the training. She never complains about going and has asked to do week long full day workshops during half terms etc. And when I have suggested cutting back to give her more spare time she has begged me not to. But the problem is, although she loves the lessons and is talented, she is still shy when it comes to performing. She hates being the centre of attention and is embarrassed when she is chosen to do solos or singled out for being good. Am thinking about sending her to auditions for drama bursaries for secondary schools that specialise in arts because she has a passion for the training but if she doesn’t want to perform, an also wondering if there is any point. Will she grow out of the shyness and should I persevere or should I try to steer her towards other creative arts that don’t involve the spotlight shining on her (like set design or film making which she is also interested in). I know she is only 10 but I am spending a lot of money on all the classes and although I want her to be happy I am wondering if it might be better spent on something else?! Am keen to hear people’s views because I am also aware I may be projecting my dreams on to her.

Drama doesn't have to be about solo performance and the spotlight shining on you alone. My dd, who is now at drama school, learnt a lot that was important to her development from playing the second part of a bannister in a youth theatre group that focused on group performance. She was (still is) disabled, so there seemed very little chance that she would ever be able to make her way as a performer. But she loved it, it broadened her horizons, it gave her a group of like-minded friends. Those things would have been good enough to make it worthwhile even if it had never changed her in any way that was relevant for a future career.

Can you speak to her drama teacher to get more guidance?

If she has a pa scholarship at a regular independent school she would be expected to show commitment in her chosen field, including regularly auditioning, taking part in so many productions a year and representing school at festivals and so on, and take , say, drama or music gcse. The environment may help her confidence and over time she might develop back stage/tech skills instead of being on stage. However she really has to want to do so and it is competitive.

If she does not want to go down the competitive route as described by Lizs- or at least not yet- then youth theatre groups are probably a much better idea than a school that specialises in performance.

Agree with @corythatwas - performing arts aren't just about the soloists. There is something great about being part of the team. If she is enjoying (which she seems to be) then why not just let her enjoy it. She doesn't need to be a soloist/drama scholar. Does she do LAMDA exams? This might be a way for her to develop and gain confidence in her solo performance skills without the pressure of doing it in a competitive environment.

The nice thing about training as an actor (assuming that she is ever going to want to do that) is that you don't actually have to do something special when you're 10. Early training isn't essential the way it is for ballet. You'll need auditioning skills when you're 19 and up before the drama school panel, not when you're 10. The important thing when you're young is to try different things, enjoy what you do and learn to work with other people.

And if you are simply looking for drama as a way of building up her general confidence, then this is far more likely to happen in a setting where she feels comfortable- even if that does mean playing second segment of the bannister. As t1mum3 says, it's a team sport. You wouldn't stop your son (or daughter, I hope) from playing football if they weren't scoring spectacular goals, would you?

Aaaaawww I'm a mum of three daughters, my eldest is 19. They can be so shy right up through their teens too. I was painfully shy at that age I remember it! She's so lucky to have the opportunities you're giving her and she obviously really enjoys it so I'd carry on with it. There's a lot she'll be able to do with the training in the future and not all of it involves performing. She'll probably become more confident in time too.

Thanks so much everyone. Reading all your advice, I will carry on with the classes then. I don’t think I will put her through the auditions for specialisation at secondary school as that might be too much pressure and isn’t necessary. Totally agree that she can have smaller ensemble roles in performances and still get a lot out of it. She is also keen on voice acting because she would get to act without being seen on screen. We do have the option to do a LAMDA exams at her primary so I could get her to try that. I ran it past her and she said she didn’t mind trying it. I suppose time will tell if she really wants to take it further. Most people don’t know what they want to do when they are 10. It is just that on programmes like The Voice and The Greatest Dancer etc, most people seem to have wanted nothing other than to perform since they can remember and she is not like that and I wondered if you needed that determination and singlemindedness to succeed.

Oh and totally agree about the like minded friends thing. That has definitely been true so far. I will also investigate youth theatre groups. Thanks again.

Plus speak to her drama teacher - that was also good advice!

She might find it more to her liking to go into the production/technical side - but staying doing what she loves now is the best way for her to find her niche, as she'll know what is needed from both points of view and can specialise when she's much older.

The LAMDA exams are great and they could give her confidence in a way that vocal praise doesn't - she has a certificate to prove it, rather than having somebody say out loud that she's very good.

Mind you, the people who go on the Voice or suchlike are not anything like the vast majority of people who actually go on to make a career in Music/Stage if determination were the only requisite, they'd have made it long before, without having to follow the script of 'It's all I've ever wanted, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeease'

Ha ha Mitzik I hadn’t thought of it like that.

Ok, this is what I think (as a parent of someone who did go into full-time performing arts training). Been there, got the t-shirt, yada-yada.

Everything has to come from her - she needs to want it more than anything else and she needs the single-minded ruthless determination to carry on despite rejection after rejection. She needs to have a lot of confidence and complete faith in her own ability too.

As a career, it sucks. There are far more unemployed performers than there are people in employment. It is not easy. Not at all.

There's no need for her to start training at a specialist school or performing arts college until she's 16/18. Preferably 18 so she can do A-levels. She will need a Plan B.

In my view, just treat it as a very expensive hobby for a few more years. Don't think of the fees for classes as investing in her career, let her enjoy it recreationally, and if she's adamant she wants to pursue a career in the future, she can start looking for places to audition during Y11. Places for vocational training are usually offered from Y12 upwards. Only a few start younger than that, and they are the exception rather than the rule.

Honestly, I'm not trying to put you off - just to calm your enthusiasm and let her set the pace.

Fair enough, I appreciate you being honest about your experience and will take your advice on board. I do get excited when I hear her lovely singing voice and then get disappointed when she won’t show it off. I try my hardest not to though! I have a feeling she is going to enjoy it as a hobby and that will be it, but as everyone has pointed out, she will gain other life skills and friends and confidence - and at least it is keeping her off the iPad for a good chunk of the weekend!

Sorry, I was a bit forthright, wasn't I?!

Yes, it is disappointing when things don't go to plan, but sometimes I think we as parents put too much pressure on them to be the way we want them to be, and lose sight of who they actually are. We can't live their lives for them, I suppose is what I'm trying to say.

I think the advice about it being a hobby is good. OP you sound like you are focused on her “succeeding”. Performing arts skills are very transferable and at this age it’s about the journey not the destination

I went to a very good drama school (one of the top ones) and had good success in Musical Theatre. I still get professional work but it has to fit in around a “real world” job now, my choice. The industry really got me down (mainly the tv/film/straight theatre scene) and I’m really glad I can just pick and choose what I want to now.

I would not recommend that anyone go into performing professionally. It was honestly a miserable life. Even if you are a leading lady in the West End you will never be able to afford a mortgage for example and you’ll often be house sharing in a miserable place well into your thirties. Everyone will be out of work at some point. No matter how talented or successful.

Loving performing as a hobby only is a brilliant position to be in. I wish that had been all I’d wanted and that I hadn’t given so much of my life (from age 3!) over to being so single minded and obsessed with being a professional performer and getting to the top. If your daughter has no desire to be the centre of attention, just leave her be and accept her as she is - please don’t be a pushy parent! I can remember times when I just wanted to be a kid and not have to endlessly perform songs and monologues for visiting family and friends. It was horrible when my Mum and Auntie were forcing me to get up in front of everyone and I had to deal with the pressure of entertaining when I just wanted to be like the rest of my family. If your daughter says she wants to do a solo or audition for a part in future, then of course support that. But let it come from her.

And trust me when I say a career as a performer isn’t all that glamorous or exciting after a while. Having a good job that allows for you to pay bills, go on holiday and start a family and doing some Am-Dram on the side for the love of it is a pretty great life in comparison!

Also, a lot of directors that I worked with sounded like they were similar to your dd growing up. They loved learning about theatre and performing themselves to an extent but often hated the attention. Ditto for writers, producers, techies, set designers etc. There are lots of other theatre related jobs. Most of them are freelance but the market is less saturated than the performer world. As well as LAMDA, see if your DD can do Arts Award. She’s old enough for Discover and Explore and can start Bronze once she’s 11. It’s good at developing practice for all sorts of Arts work and leadership.

Shadylady3 thanks so much for all the insight. Am definitely conscious of not being a pushy parent and reign myself in when I feel those tendencies coming out, as my Mum pushed my sister so much with her tennis she gave up at 14. She was so talented and it was a shame but she now plays again in her 40s and is enjoying it again. I saw first hand how much the pressure got to her and don’t want to ever be like that with my DD. I will continue to facilitate it all as a hobby as you and others suggest because it may or may not lead to some kind of related job but is still helping her enjoy her spare time and learn skills. The answers on this thread have definitely helped me realise that I am not wasting time or money letting her focus on the training without the desire to perform. And that I will be led by her when it comes to how much she wants to put herself out there!

There is always point in arts training :) It opens the door to a surprising amount of other things that you might not consider connected. I have a performance degree from a conservatoire in music and I get crippling stage fright when solo on stage. It was still worth it for me, I enjoy performing as part of a group :) If she loves it then keep her at it.

My Dd does stage school & would be fairly quiet (in public! ) she absolutely loves it & she's tried lots activities & this was the only one she stuck at. She started it knowing no one but didn't care (unlike her) & will not miss a lesson. Yet she won't audition for solo or speaking parts in the performances. (the teacher is amazing everyone gets a chance it's not always same ones so she knows she'd have a chance) I have encouraged her to try out but she says she's happy to be in the chorus would not want all eyes on her etc & I'll not force it as she loves it.

There is always point in arts training smile It opens the door to a surprising amount of other things that you might not consider connected.

Damn, just curious what would these other things be?

I used to run a kids drama school and I had a parent cmope up to me once and say they wished they had been able to do drama as a youngster as they have a high powered sc ientific job where they are required to make presentations and they find it very difficult.

A Freedom of information request to several RG universities brought to light that a surprisingly large percentage of law students have drama A level (and who knows how many more have extra curricular drama training) .

Think self consciousness waxes and wanes over the preteen and teen years and much depends on how feeling in other respects, friendships etc. They can be especially self conscious if older kids are around.

Better to focus on inner confidence than performing confidence Imho. If she is happier in choirs or chorus or plays rather than singing and dancing musical starry stuff then encourage that.

Lots of drama clubs/teachers/theatres have different styles if you find a good match she'll probably blossom

a surprisingly large percentage of law students have drama A level (and who knows how many more have extra curricular drama training).

I think some of them think that law is all about poncing before a judge and jury - too many TV programmes. At least that was explained to me by a would-be lawyer as to why she put law down as an A level.