to think that passive aggressive (PA) people often don't realise they're being PA?

[Graanabelle]

That it's just built in to them to be like this?

My not so 'D' P acts as if it is fine when I ask him to do something, but then moans about it to others after. He is a master procrastinator - he never finishes anything. He's very hostile and easily upset - if I so much as put a foot wrong he overreacts. He will often then blame it on me. For example he made a joke that was an indirect insult to me (about us not having had sex in ages, even though I'm only just out of the fourth trimester!) and then told me I was the one being crazy as I told him he was being unfair. He constantly thinks the world is against him - he blames his ex for everything. He always has to get the last laugh - can't end an argument with someone else having the final word. He is so sullen literally about 15% of the time (which is a lot in a relationship). He's incredibly stubborn, and ALWAYS late/doing things last minute. He's so confrontational asking things like 'are you being serious?' Or 'are you crazy?' When I have perfectly normal requests. He NEVER forgets (or forgives) when he's been wronged.

He's basically the epitome of passive aggression and I've had enough.

I don't think he does it on purpose. It's who he is and is never going to change.

Do they know they're wrong? Or are some people just like this?

I don't think its built in, I think its a mixture of their personality and how they've learned to avoid conflict, or get what they want.
People generally act the way that they do because they have learned it 'works'. Its possible to learn new feelings and habits to replace old ones, but until they want to do that they are stuck.

@userschmoozer yes to avoiding conflict. If me and DP disagree he shuts me down completely. When we NEED to talk he just responds with 'whatever' or 'I'm not talking to you anymore'. It's so hard to live with.

Lots of people aren't really aware of what they are doing /are like.

I think this is true of most of the people who aggressively tailgate me when driving - it's just how they drive, they aren't singling me out, irt doesn't matter who or what's in front of them (or how fast they are going), they get as close as possible up behind. Some people do it in queues, too they get very close behind and are constantly bobbing around trying to get as close as they can and aggressively looking past - they aren't doing it to me, they do it to everyone, without thinking.

That sounds like plain old aggression tbh. Passive aggression is more covert.

Yes they know what they’re doing. It’s abuse. They want to hurt you and control you.
Read Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” It will aswer all your questions about him.

He sounds like a knob
Why are you bothering?

He sounds like a twat.

He doesn’t sound PA he sounds outright aggressive.

He isn't being PA he is being aggressive

Oh... I thought I had hit the nail on the head. So he's just an arsehole then? I think I need out.

Yes you need out, pp's are right it's plain old aggression not passive aggressive behaviour he's showing. Manipulative and controlling, refusing to discuss things, discounting your opinions to the extent that he won't even hear them. Precisely what do you get out of this relationship?

@redastherose fuck all really.

Nowt passive about that. And yes, they know. They do it because they can.

I think people know what they’re doing, it just might be they are so used to using it that they don’t even notice - but they know! As others have said it’s a sneaky way of saying what you need without having to be held account for it.

Yeah I don't think he's being passive aggressive.
I'd leave. He then has the choice to sort himself out and ask for a second chance. Or look for another victim.

It can be a way of getting someone to do something for you without asking directly, thus you feel that the person has "offered" and that you haven't pushed them into it. If that's how your family dynamics worked when you were growing up, then you follow the role model; there's no intention to hurt the other person, you're just not aware what the effect is on other people.

There's a continuous spectrum through such things as "choosing the right time to talk", doing something nice to put someone in a good mood before asking, through to manipulation and passive aggression.