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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be suspicious

25 replies

Jona70 · 12/02/2019 09:20

Been with my partner for 4 years, we live together with my 2 teenage daughters and up to about 3 months ago have had a fantastic life (even with drama from ex wife etc..). So I paid him an unexpected visit while he was in work, just dropping off some goodies for him and his workmates, all of which he has always said are men! Whilst chatting outside a woman walked out and glared right at me, walking past and going to the building next door, when I asked who she was he just shrugged it off and said she worked in the office. In all the time we have been together he has never ever mentioned a woman working there. It’s only a small place so I know he would have had to interact with her most days. Anyway she then walked past again strutting her stuff and glared again!! It really made me feel uneasy and I’ve just not been able to stop being suspicious. I’ve since found out that she is a single parent and very flirty but my partner insists he has nothing to do with her! Things were going ok, just tried to ignore it but then I found viagra hidden in his jacket in his wardrobe while putting stuff away. I was gobsmacked to say the least and did confront him as we have never had a problem, we have a very healthy sex life. He claims he’s started to loose feeling and was taking them to get some sensation back, anyway he promised to go the doctors but never even attempted to make an appointment. Last week his wallet was on the top and I know I shouldn’t have but I checked and found his card from the chemist showing how often he’s getting this, he’s using them like vitamins? I just don’t know what to think. I’ve had so many doubts and arguments with him but he just clams up and says it’s personal. Maybe it’s just me but the woman in work and now the viagra, making me think something is goin on? Would really appreciate some honest advice.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 12/02/2019 09:27

Hide them would be my plan.
Prob not the best one tho!

Original poster

Jona70 · 12/02/2019 09:29

He has now made an appointment but still has some somewhere, I did get rid of the first lot and he’s just went and got more.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 12/02/2019 10:25

How is your sex life?
My ex took one for a laugh and it was obvious! Unless he is using them with you he is cheating. Doubt having a wank would be worth taking one for!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/02/2019 10:31

. I’ve since found out that she is a single parent and very flirty but my partner insists he has nothing to do with her!

How did you find this out? I find it odd that he has never mentioned that a woman worked there too. Does he lie generally?

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 10:38

Do you have a history of unreasonable jealous behaviour ?

Original poster

Jona70 · 12/02/2019 10:41

Our sex life is amazing and never used it before. I found out from one of his workmates wives, worst thing is she looks so like me too. It’s just bizarre how he never mentioned her before but she’s worked there about 3-4 years, I don’t have a lot to do with his work colleagues as it’s in another town and the one I do know doesn’t work there anymore, he is very secretive and has lied before. He also had an affair behind his ex wife’s back years before I met him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jona70 · 12/02/2019 10:42

Bluntness - I do have insecurities but that may be down to my ex husband cheating on me after 17 years marriage, I will admit I find it really hard to trust fully.

OP posts:

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 10:48

@Jona70

Our sex life is amazing and never used it before.

Are you sure he hasn't used it before? I went through a phase where I used viagra, I was suffering with mental health at the time. I didn't want to tell my wife in case she felt it was because of her (I found her less attractive/exciting or whatever). Our sex life had always been good and I didn't want to change that.

Original poster

Jona70 · 12/02/2019 10:53

He said he uses it to try and get feeling back so doesn’t use it for sex? This is what I don’t get, I do remember asking him why he was still hard about 30 mins after we had sex but this was years ago, every other time it just shrinks back to normal. I would definitely have noticed if he had been using them with me. He wants me to go to the appointment with him but I just can’t help feeling he’s still not coming clean about it all!

OP posts:

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 10:57

I do remember asking him why he was still hard about 30 mins after we had sex but this was years ago, every other time it just shrinks back to normal.

In my experience it does, the idea that viagra keeps you relentlessly erect for hours is great PR for Pfizer (and a good basis for comedy sketches) but, in my experience, it goes up and down as normal.

Sorry if this is 'too much info' but I think it's not important to rule this out. Most blokes won't tell their partners (or indeed anyone) if they feel they HAVE to use Viagra (they'll probably tell everyone however, if they do it for fun or as an experiment...we're a strange bunch!)

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 11:02

*important NOT to rule this out

Original poster

Jona70 · 12/02/2019 11:14

Thanks, guess I’m just hurt because he couldn’t share this with me even after being together 4 years, and the woman in work?? Well guess that is something I have to just live with, I work with men and talk to them most of the day, I just don’t hide the fact or say I work in an all female office. I’m gonna give my head a wobble and see what happens when he goes tho docs, do you think it’s a good idea I go with him? It’s not until mid March.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/02/2019 11:17

He’s probably not told you due to your insecurities.

eurgh · 12/02/2019 11:19

What does your gut tell you? That's usually a pretty good indicator.

Lazypuppy · 12/02/2019 11:20

@Jona70 i don't think i've ever thought to tell my partner how many men/women i work with...

Nicknacky · 12/02/2019 11:22

Why would you go to the doctors with him? Respect his privacy.

And if she was cheating with her why would he need viagara if he didn’t need it with you? I doubt most men would tell their partners if they were having issues with erections.

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 11:25

If he's asked you to go with you and you're happy to do so then I don't think it could hurt.

You're not being unreasonable to worry about the woman at work. My guess (and purely a guess) is this: You say the woman is very flirty, chances are that she has flirted with him at some point and he reciprocated (not saying anything happened). He may have had inappropriate thoughts about her which has left him feeling guilty. Because of this, he just feels it's simpler to tell you it's an all-male office.

Like I say, I'm not implying anything has happened. I'm married but would have to admit (not something to be proud of) that I have had inappropriate thoughts about women I know/interact with. I'd never cheat but do feel guilty about it. I'll probably get lynched by the baying MN mob for having a single thought about a woman other than my wife but I'm certain it's not only me and I am sure it isn't only men.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 12/02/2019 11:28

I think Nicknacky makes a good point. It’s not very likely that a man would need to take Viagara to maintain an erection with his affair partner if he doesn’t need to take it with his regular partner.
I suspect he takes it when he’s with you but doesn’t tell you about it because it’s embarrassing.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 12/02/2019 11:30

He got history of cheating on his wife’s who he made a vow to be faithful it doesn’t bode well op.

CurtainsOpen · 12/02/2019 11:33

Can you just write the last page and tell us how the tale ends?

Eliza9917 · 12/02/2019 11:41

@CurtainsOpen Tue 12-Feb-19 11:33:02
Can you just write the last page and tell us how the tale ends?

What's that supposed to mean? The OP doesn't read like a troll. Do you think there is a viagra troll now?

Original poster

Jona70 · 12/02/2019 11:47

I hear all of you! There’s a lot of alarm bells ringing but the one thing I am clinging on to is that he does everything for me and my girls and treats us better than any of my friends/families husbands/partners. We are forever getting complimented on how good a couple we are and that we always look happy. He is only 51 so this is why I just thought the worst when I found the viagra. My best friend keeps telling me I will push him into someone else’s arms if I keep accusing him, but then there’s that saying once a cheat always a cheat?? Until I have any concrete evidence for my own sanity I am going to try and get past this. His ex wife has played a huge part in trying to cause as much trouble for us but everyone knows she is still in love with him, I just keep telling myself that he has chosen to be with me and at any point could just leave, it’s my house and we’re not married. I’m going to think more about the positives than the negatives. You’re all great by the way 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Jona70 · 12/02/2019 11:51

Sorry for the long posts. Just needed thoughts and advice. Xx

OP posts:

ALongHardWinter · 12/02/2019 16:44

Agree with the previous poster who said why would he need to use Viagra with another woman but not with you? I would have thought that the other way round would have been far more likely.

Bluetrews25 · 12/02/2019 18:31

He's not to blame for the woman's face when she was leaving the office. Her looking at you curiously could have been interpreted by you as 'glaring'.
He's probably used viagra for ages.
If he's going to cheat, he will. Watching him like a hawk will not be received well. He might as well cheat if you are going to treat him as if he has. Please trust him. My spidey senses are not going off at your OP.

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