AIBU to let the ex stay?

[Spinningteapots]

I split with my ex a few years ago, my ex decided to make a new life with someone else. We have got 2 young kids who live with me. The ex lives a few hours drive away. I have always supported them in participating in the parenting with me despite the distance. To that end I let them stay sometimes in the spare room when they come to see the kids or for the kids birthdays and sometimes Christmas. After all we are both their parents and neither of us should miss out on those special moments. Also I want the kids to see how as adults we work to their best interest even though we are not together. This was fine when I was single. Trouble is I am in a relationship now for over a year and its serious. They have always been great and supportive about my ex's role in my life as the kids parent. We have done things together me, my partner, the kids and my ex and it has worked well.

My youngest has a birthday coming up. Its the norm for my ex to stay over and I said they could stay the night before and after. Its nice for kids to have them around on their birthday naturally. Of course my partner will be coming over but they don't want to stay over night if my ex is staying. Their not being funny about it, it just feels a bit odd. I perfectly understand this. I hate that my ex gets to share my house with me and the kids at the cost of my partner being shoved out. But I also want to make the best birthday for my youngest and part of that is having my ex around. I have no problems with my ex, we get on fine by the way. AIBU unreasonable to let my ex stay for the kids at the consequence of my partner feeling like they have to go home at the end of the night?

I think you’re being mean to your current partner. Only you know if your relationship is going to last or not, I’d not upset the man I want to spend forever with to keep my ex happy. Let your ex book a hotel.

I think what you are doing is lovely. Don’t change a thing. Does your x stay with his new partner? Your new partner shouldn’t be expecting this to change. It’s about memories for the children and they are the most important just now x

What you're doing is spot on
My parents did something similar when I was growing up, I'll forever be grateful for their maturity - and as a child I didn't care for their partners (however serious) as much as my own parents.

I'm sure your partner will come to terms with it. You sound like a wonderful mum

I agree with NannyRed. You can’t let the past dominate the future and if you think that you want to move on with this new chap then he can’t be expected to move out so your ex can stay the night. You are not just a mum, you are a person too and deserve a life.

A good parent, I should say

Great, mature parenting. Kids come first.

OP you are 100% doing the right thing, your children will appreciate it when they are older.
I don't see it as looking to the past, your ex will always be part of your future as a friend and co-parent.
I'm sure if your DP could just stay that night, although he may feel 'odd' the first time, I'm sure he will get used to it and it will create a new dynamic.
I hope this doesn't sound condescending but you seriously are a great parents, it's nice to hear of parents (and new partners) putting childrens needs, memories and happiness first.

What your doing is good for your kids but I personally wouldn't be having my ex stay over if I was in a serious relationship. Who moved away?

I think your new partner is making the decision for themselves and that’s fine. Tell him he’s more than welcome but you respect his decision.

If it was a new suggestion I'd say no. But you've always done it, presumably your partner knew this? So I think continue, you'll be coparents forever. Your partner should be supportive, I'd stay if I were them!

I'm so jealous of having such a great relationship btw! My partners ex hates me, I've always been nice, friendly, chatty etc and she still refuses to even look at me. We've been together a few years and they split 2 years prior. My sons dad will be polite to each other, for which I'm grateful. But his girlfriends don't usually like me. I was even nice to the OW and she used to hide upstairs from me I've yet to meet the new one but she has a son also so I'm really hoping we can all get along.

I think you sound like fabulous parents btw!

If your current partner doesn't have an issue it's fine.

I wouldn't be keen if I was your partner though. I prefer better boundaries than that.

Its a difficult balance. On one hand I want what's best for the kids, they are young. Also I want them to have great parenting role models as they may be parents one day. Then I also don't like my partner feeling like a second class citizen, she is very much part of my family now. Then I put my self in my ex's shoes and wonder how I would feel if I was sent home and their partner was spending time with them instead of me. Then a little bit of the selfish me thinks why shouldn't I be with my partner that night, we don't get to spend much time together (she is a single parent too and lives a bit of a drive from me).

And just for the record my partner is great about things. I told her about this from the very start and she has always been very supportive. She understands the importance of my parenting relationship with my ex wife. Shed never want to intrude on that and wishes she could have the same with her ex (but he's very bitter). But as understanding as she is I know it cant help but grate on her at times. Which I also understand. I hate that she'd feel like second class or shut out. She is an amazing woman.

@SandyY2K, I can't see anything wrong with the boundaries, they sound fine to me.

OP, when it's not a special weekend like a birthday, could you not leave the kids with their mum and stay at your partner's place?