To not want to meet DMs boyfriend

[notabigthing]

DF died a few years ago. DM is 70 and has coped really well, has had a really busy social life and lives close so we see her regularly. Anyway it became clear about six months ago that she was keen to have a man in her life, but every man who's taken her on one or two dates has been referred to as "my boyfriend" and she seems over keen with all of them. This has understandably scared them off quite quickly.
She has now met a new man who she has been on several dates with in the last couple of weeks. He has already presented her with an antique ring (so he says) and she's told us he's as keen as she is and wants us to meet him next week. This is all rather full on, I don't object to her going on dates but I don't really want to welcome every new man she meets into the family fold, I'd rather she got to know them properly first. She has no experience at all of dating as she was with DF since school.
Any advice on how to handle this?

Yes.

Meet the bloke. Support your mum. Take your judgemental pants off.

Yes - meet him and support your mum!

I would ask her about what time limit does she think it is appropriate to establish a relationship.

I do feel for her as she wants to share her ( optimistic/ naive) happiness with you but understand your reservations.

How long did you wait to introduce boyfriends when you were younger?

Be there for your mum and support her. If you have kids you don’t have to introduce them right away, but you’re an adult - you can cope with meeting men who might not go the distance.

My grandma was widowed at 40, then met someone at 72 and they were engaged within weeks, married within a couple of months. The marriage lasted until her death. It was wonderful she had found someone who cared for her.
Her view was why wait at their age? Maybe your mum and this man think the same.
Meet him, form an opinion based on that, not your own, possibly completely unfounded, suspicions.

I can understand your feelings but from what you've described your mum must be feeling like a fish out of water. She's had a man her entire adult life and probably struggling to cope even though she seems fine. As hard as it might be, just see her for the vulnerable woman she must be right now and support her. Much better to get to know this man and suss him out. Surely what nicer thing though, if she can find someone to make her happy? Whatever happens with this man he will never replace your DF x

It would be a good idea to meet him, especially if you fear he may be unsuitable or risky for your mum. It gives you the chance to assess him, and let your mum know if you have concerns. With luck, he will turn out to be lovely and you can be happy for your mum.
I wonder though, if you are subconsciously unhappy at the idea of any man “replacing” your father?
You may feel that no man is good enough, or that your mum is betraying your dad’s memory. If this is the case, you’ll have to keep such feelings to yourself, so you don’t spoil your mum’s future happiness.

sofatofivemiles I waited a few months before introducing anyone to my parents, which is why I kind of expected the same timescale.
Ok everyone, point taken! I will meet him as requested with my judgy pants firmly off.

Why wouldn't you respect your mum's wishes she's 70 not 12.

Babdoc I've made it clear to her that we are happy for her to have another man in her life, we just didn't expect to have them in ours quite so soon.

All you need to do is go round for tea and cake surely? She's not asking if the man can move in with you!

I could have written this post! My widowed mother has had a string of 'boyfriends' in the last 2 years. They never last more than a month or so. When I got engaged, she insisted that her current man was coming to the wedding. I put my foot down, and needless to say they hid split up by the time the day had come around.

I live 300 miles away, last time I went to visit she invited her current boyfriend round to meet me - they'd been together for 2 weeks and I felt like she cared more about showing him off than seeing me. They split up the next day.

Now we just say that we're not interested in meeting anyone that she's not been seeing for 6 months, while making it clear that we're happy she's happy. My sister lives nearby, and she's imposed the same rule (she used to get ambushed with random men on a regular basis).

Good on you OP. If it's at all helpful, my mum struggled when my nan died and my Grandad got another woman within a few months. In hindsight my mum & aunties probably wasted years feeling resentful (although was probably an entirely natural process) because she turned out to be a completely lovely woman who would do anything for anyine. Even after his death a few years ago she still sends my mum and aunties birthday cards because she wants to "represent" their dad in some way. Hoping you have a good person joining you all x

At her age there isn’t really time to take your time, is there? Older people just want to get on with things. (Heck I feel a bit like that and I’m “only” 50. We gave up on the idea of building a house because it may take years, and we don’t want to waste years.)
Anyway, meet this man. If they split up at least you’ll then be perfectly justified in saying “not so soon, mum, remember the last one” when she asks to bring round her next beau.