Aibu to be concerned about this relationship? Should I warn her?

[PumpedUpTermite]

I have a relative, she’s 18, very close to 19.
She is in a relationship with a 31 year old man who lives between two cities (his primary residence is a couple hrs away but he is in this city every weekend/when he has time off). Age isn’t my only concern (my ex and I weren’t far off from that age gap wise.) but I do worry I’m being prejudiced.

Anyhow, they’ve been together since October 2018 and he’s already trying to get her to move away with him, 2/3 hrs away from us where she doesn’t know anyone.
He’s already talking weddings and kids and I can see she occasionally becomes uneasy but she won’t really open up to me.
Aibu to wonder what I can do, should I warn her? I haven’t really said anything to her about it, just sort of letting it take it’s course but I’m concerned she’ll soon be pregnant/married (not easily undone obviously)
I would appreciate some guidance because I’m honestly so lost I want to protect her but she is an adult after all.

Hi, Zero
I describe it as moving away due to the distance, I described it similarly when I “moved away” (50 miles.) otherwise you make some good points... as I said,
I can occasionally see she’s a bit uneasy/nervous around him but maybe they’d had an argument that day or something.
I just feel like a 31 year old man trying to marry an 18 year old he’s been with for such a short time, not even 6 months, move her away from everything she knows and start a family right away may not have the best intentions.
even if advised to I wouldn’t go in both barrels screaming about how vulnerable she is but I was thinking of having a quiet word, just to check she’s happy with everything, can assert herself etc?
Honestly not a dickhead btw just trying to do the right thing so if I’m being overzealous I’ll take that and keep quiet. I’ll be here for her if it goes to shit though.

Regardless of age difference, distances etc. Anyone talking marriage and kids after only 4 months screams insecurity and neediness.

My thoughts too Joey especially as she is so young.

Bumping for the afternoon crowd because I’d like some more opinions
Sorry

I would be very concerned about this. This is all far too fast, FAR to soon, and given the age difference there is a distinct imbalance of power. I would be concerned that he's an abuser is disguise, and he is working hard to isolate her from her friends and family. This smacks of a controlling personality.

*in disguise

Are you an older sibling, cousin or aunt?

Best thing you can actually do is let someone make their own mistakes, and be there to pick up the pieces afterwards. I dont think a teenager will listen to you. We all thought we knew it all at that age. You can plant germs of ideas in her head about distance, jobs, lonliness, friendship base, isolation, but you need to be canny how you do it.

I am a (much older) half sister. We have always been quite close, though and she spent some time living with me as a younger teen, too which I guess adds to me feeling protective of her.
I do see what you’re saying Plain step back and let her make her mistakes and then help her if/when it all goes tits up but I’m mostly worried something that cannot be undone (such as a child) will come out of this soon. Not much I can do though I suppose
Aqua I see what you’re saying too, that’s probably my worry more than anything tbh. I don’t believe he has hit her or done anything (emotionally or physically) abusive at this stage but I’m concerned about future potential because it does not seem at all healthy to me.

This screams red flag to me - it's far too soon. One of the flags of abusive people is moving really fast in a 'romantic' way at the beginning, and isolating the other person. If he really cares about her he can wait. I'd share your concerns with her (not that he may be abusive as that could trigger a defensive reaction which exactly results in her moving), but that it's a big move for such a new relationship

I think there should be an abuser warning card
Top of the list to go on it
"Moves very quickly and/or wants to make big commitments very quickly"

Unfortunately there's not much you can do though, other than tell her it seems quick and be there to pick up the pieces

Oh god OP, this all screams NO. I did this btw, met a much older man at 18, moved 100 miles away from home and got married very quickly. Turns out the man was an abusive arsehole. He isolated me, then controlled me so I couldn’t go out, make friends, work, anything. He wouldn’t even let me have my own interests inside the house without him giving me a torrent of abuse.

Unfortunately I’m not sure what you can do beyond telling her youre concerned that she’s getting in too deep too quickly. Chances are that he’ll be mr perfect until he’s got her trapped, then he’ll change, so she won’t believe you until it’s too late. Just keep lines of communication open, and if she does move away with him, see her often, preferably having her round to visit you for a few days. The worst thing for me is that my parents never wanted me to visit, and they hardly ever visited me, so when things went sour I felt like I had nowhere to go.

Definitely YANBU though, I’d be very worried if I was you, and if it doesn’t look right, which it doesn’t, then it probably isn’t right. I’d be automatically suspicious of any 31 year old man chasing an 18 year old, but the fact that he’s trying to move her screams danger. Just try and do your best to look out for her and be there if she needs you.

Oh, and try and get her to get a coil if she can. Tell her she can get it removed if she wants, but do try and convince her to get contraception that can’t be thrown away or skipped. Once he’s got her pregnant she’s fucked.

@PumpedUpTermite

Could you get her to read the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that?

It is about the different types of abusive men and patterns and behaviors to watch out for.

Maybe just say you read it and thought it was interesting and would like her to read it. I'll send you a link in a private message.

Thank you Longtime message received
I read that book a little while back so I’ll try to find a way to drop it into conversation.

When I was 18, I got engaged to a 31 year-old man. I don't regret it, he was a cracking shag, he was kind to me and I had an absolute blast. It fizzled out after a while and I do think he had some issues, but my family's disapproval definitely stopped me from finishing the relationship for quite a while. If we had married, I would have moved about 300 miles because his job wasn't flexible at all.

It's a tricky line to walk, because you want her to have some insight into what you see as warning signs, but you don't want to push them together in an "us against the world" sort of way.

Maybe ask her what she likes about him... And talk about the things she can do while she's still so young. Keep it lighthearted and let her know you're always going to be there for her.

Ask the police to offer her Clare's Law. If he has a history they will tell her. They won't tell her you requested it for her

This happened with a cousin of mine. Not such an age difference, but similar in wanting to move fast, away from family etc. She was warned at the time of the risks and her vulnerabilities, but shrugged it off (as who wouldn't at 18?). But communication was kept open and when he showed his true colours she had somewhere to go.

That's all you can really do, have one conversation maybe where you outline your concerns and then just support her, stay in touch and give her opportunities to be on her own with you if possible (something that got really difficult with my cousin). If it does go sour (and it might not!) she needs to know she can count on you x