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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Other people buying your baby essentials

51 replies

Cremeeggsareforever · 11/02/2019 07:13

Is it just mean that finds it weird how many people expect this? Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it. If people want to buy any items (big or small) then it's lovely! I'd be lying if I said I had never gone shopping with my mum and picked up some bottles or something and she hadn't said 'I'll get those'. And if people offer to buy something then I'm not going to say no to the kind offer, as they obviously want to do this.

But am I the only one who finds it odd that people kind of....expect their family to buy the essential items (often the costly ones)? We have bought our own pram, cot, etc and friends have been baffled by this. Most have actually asked what pram we have and then said "oh that's nice, who got you it?" and then been surprised when we say we bought it ourselves.

Does anyone else think this?

OP posts:

Equimum · 11/02/2019 07:55

We disn’t expect it, but my mum offered us a good amount of money towards our park, and my husband’s grandma bought us the corned. We really appreciated these purchases, as they contributed a fair amount towards me being able to take an extra month’s maternity leave.

ReaganSomerset · 11/02/2019 07:55

@picklemepopcorn

Makes sense. My parents said the cot I had as a baby cost over £100 and you can get one for that today. £100 was a lot more then, given that you could buy a house for £20,000.

Hyrana · 11/02/2019 07:55

I'm not a grandmother yet, have adult children though and would like to be able to buy a big item for my grandchild, cot/pram etc. Maybe more if we could afford it

My dad bought each of his grandchildren their first pair of shoes. I thought that was a lovely gesture. He went with us to the shop though, he didn't just buy them!

I think it would be wrong to be an expectation but I also think that unless there is an ulterior motive behind it, it is a nice thing for grandparents to do if they can.

WoahThereMama · 11/02/2019 07:55

I’ve two children and have never once been asked who bought the pram. It’s a bit rude of your friends to be asking that imo.

AuntieCJ · 11/02/2019 08:01

It was the thing when mine were small. My parents bought the pram and his bought the cot and bedding.

MariaNovella · 11/02/2019 08:02

In my family we did a lot of handing down and around of baby equipment and clothes! I would have been a bit put out if, say, my sister, who had her third DC six months before I had my first, hadn’t passed on her Moses basket, babygros etc. I didn’t want lots of new stuff particularly.

user1471426142 · 11/02/2019 08:19

I didn’t expect it but both sets of grandparents paid for a significant item that we chose. I’d do the same for my own children if/ when they have children.

Sindragosan · 11/02/2019 08:29

Didn't expect it, but was given money by a variety of relatives to buy baby equipment (easiest given the distance). Have been given a lot of clothes and toys by friends and colleagues, and it was lovely, but we would have been fine if they didn't.

I enjoy picking out a present for a new baby, and quite happy to contribute to collections for colleagues, so I think it's only odd if you expect to be given presents but don't reciprocate.

Heronymous · 11/02/2019 08:30

I think it would be a bit entitled to expect it, but it’s incredibly common for family to buy the cot and pram so not that surprising that other people have had that experience.

Papillon45 · 11/02/2019 09:28

Where I’m from it’s pretty normal for the grandparents to buy a big item - maybe one set of GPs buy the cot, the other set the pram. In fact I know some people where the GPS tried to out do each other. That said it’s more of an old fashioned idea and definitely not an expectation (you wouldn’t feel hard done to if they didn’t get big items). Where I’m from is a traditionally poorer working class part of the UK, so maybe this is why we have more of a tradition of the older generation helping out the younger generation financially.

I know a few people who still get quite a lot from their parents, but it is big items when they need buying such as car seats, bikes, even holidays etc. They do tend to be the people who are in a bad financial situation or with very well off parents though.

gamerwidow · 11/02/2019 09:40

MariaNovella we do that too. The Moses basket DD slept in has been used for 5 family babies previously and most of her clothes were hand me downs. My neice is 5 years older than DD and I have clothes stored away from her for the next 5 years

GoShittyItsYourBday · 11/02/2019 09:41

Most have actually asked what pram we have and then said "oh that's nice, who got you it?" and then been surprised when we say we bought it ourselves

What?! Id never think that.
FWIW when i fell pregnant my parents transferred a huge sum of money to me with explicit instruction to use on pram/nursery/co sleeper/car seat
I went to mamas and papas one day and found deals of the century during black friday for all the above. I was really greatful in the end.

Difference is, this was their choice and their insistence. I would never have asked or expected as DH and i had already been saving for that stuff ourselves. I wouldnt dream of automatically expecting stuff from them...they're retired and we're young working individuals, its ridiculous that some people EXPECT it!

gamerwidow · 11/02/2019 09:44

To be fair we don’t know if the people asking this question we’re expecting it demanding that someone by them a pram. It might be that because their one was bought and because it isnt at all uncommon they thought yours was bought too. I don’t think it’s necessairly fair to say these people are entitled.

Huggybear16 · 11/02/2019 10:00

I didn't expect it at all, but was so grateful for what my parents and sister got for us.

When friends asked who I got these items from, their response wasn't any different whether I said it was a gift or if I bought it myself.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/02/2019 10:03

It was a tradition in our family that one set of gps bought the cot, one the pram. My gps did for my parents and my parents wanted to buy us a pram. Seemed to be the done thing, northern working class background.

propertywoe · 11/02/2019 10:13

Not sure if this is a regional thing or an age thing. It was the norm for GPS to buy the pram/ cot when mine were young. But I know from my own mother that she felt panicked when my niece (parents not involved) was pregnant that the cost of the pram has sky rocketed with the designer element I ended up topping it up for her.

findingmyfeet12 · 11/02/2019 11:11

I had no idea of this custom. I certainly wouldn't ask anyone who had bought them something.

Having said that, I'm waiting for the day one of my siblings has a child so I can go totally ott with gifts. We have no grandchildren in the family and whoever has the first probably won't need to buy anything for themselves.

Chocolateheaven123 · 11/02/2019 11:21

My mum bought a lot for us. And we were 30/35, DP on a decent wage and I was also working. Why? Because it was her first much wanted grandchild so she was somewhat over-excited. She paid half for the travel system, a cot, most of the clothes, bedding, etc. It was never expected and we actually got into a few good natured arguments at the till but she genuinely wanted to get these things. My eldest brother bought the Moses basket, other brother and SIL got us a bouncer. My Gran also gave us £200 which we used for a highchair, swing, etc.

Also, my brother and SIL are expecting their first baby. I've bought them a playmate and our brother has got them a travel cot. Her siblings paid for nursery furniture and both sets of parents paid half for the pram. Again, all parties involved genuinely wanted to buy stuff for the baby. I'll also get my niece some other bits once it's born. If my other brother has a baby, we'll do the same for them.

No expectations from anyone, just everyone wanting to buy things for the babies.

outpinked · 11/02/2019 11:23

If it is your first child then generally family members want to help out as much as possible. I didn’t expect a thing when I had DC1 yet people kept giving me things to the extent I had about four bloody prams in the end and had to say no!

Wedgiecar58 · 11/02/2019 11:39

I feel the other way, I expected to buy everything ourselves but family members are tripping over themselves to buy us stuff.

I'm shocked at the generosity!

Quite fortunate that I have a big family including step parents, grandparents still around etc.

People just want to help because its our first (but will have more so things will get kept and used again) and its the first baby in the family, so everyone is excited at becoming aunts, uncles, grandparents and great-grandparents.

I dont think this is unusual for millennials, my parents also helped me with my first property deposit and wedding budget.

EyUpOurKid · 11/02/2019 11:42

I didn't expect it, but virtually the first thing out of my mother's mouth when she found out I was pregnant was "I GET TO GO PRAM SHOPPING!!"

My Grandma bought her the pram for with me, it's a family tradition.

turncloak · 11/02/2019 12:00

My parents paid for our pram, car seat and high chair, and my in-laws paid for the nursery furniture as well as buying about a million outfits. It certainly wasn't expected, but does seem to be the norm with our friends. We were incredibly grateful, as it meant that instead of the budget items that we were initially looking at buying, we could go for the slightly better quality brands which have lasted really nicely.

DannyWallace · 11/02/2019 12:03

I definitely didn't expect it, but it's happened.
We're in our mid 30s and expecting our first DC. We are careful with money but definitely not broke and both sets of parents are the same.
All 4 are beside themselves with excitement and between them have bought the buggy/car seat, nursery furniture plus loads of other bits and pieces.
I'll also add that everyone has been so respectful though, asking if they are allowed to buy it then making sure DH and I pick what we like.
This is the first grandchild on one side, and the sixth grandchild on the other, so it's not just about it being the first grandchild.
It's unbelievably kind of them, I know we are so so lucky.

TescoValue · 11/02/2019 12:08

I bought almost everything myself, both me and DP were 20. So not sure it's age. Think my mum picked up the bouncer in the Asda baby sale, but she also doesn't want me to give her any money for looking after DS 3 days a week now I'm back at work.

Andromeida59 · 11/02/2019 14:44

We don't have children yet but I've been told by MIL that they want to buy all nursery furniture/pram as they've done it for DP's sister. It never would have crossed my mind to ask them for things.

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