AIBU to be concerned that my teenage dd is turning into a slob?

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

Dd is tall, skinny, very pretty in a slightly unconventional way. She’s had a lot of anxiety and depression over the last 2 years and is just taking a limited amount of GCSEs this summer due to missing a lot of school.

She’s always had slobby tendencies at home - wearing massive totally shapeless clothes from Primark. Think Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad for the ratio of clothes size to body size. Whilst she’s not been well I’ve not made a big thing about it - she wears her uniform to school and she’s doing her best with her education. And I get it that she wants to get in, do some gaming and get comfy.

She had a first boyfriend last year for a few months who was the opposite of her - obsessed with shoes and clothes and she started making more of an effort - a bit of make-up (not saying she should wear it or needs it), jeans rather than joggers, t-shirts rather than gigantic hoodies. And she asked me to take her shopping for new non-Primark stuff.

He ended things with her just before Christmas and she was really heart-broken, she was very attached to him and it came out of the blue to her mind. She’s picked herself up though and has now started seeing another guy who is a gamer like her, same age, but very overweight and lazy. He is in the year above her so is at college but doing GCSE re-sits as he failed all his exams.

Since she’s met him, she has become slobbier than ever before. The worst of her bad clothes, room a tip, can’t be bothered to wash and worst of all they talk about awful things like what their shit is like “I’ve just done a massive dump and it was ...”

I’m pretty sure I’m going to get the strict mums on here saying I’m doing bad parenting and some people will say I should back off out of her life and leave her to it.

I’m not sure where to go with it - tackle after GCSEs? Turn a blind eye for now?

If anyone has any experience of this with their teenagers - is it a phase? Is it going to go on forever if I don’t try to get her to change things? Her mental health has to come into this too - after 18 months of starvation and self-harming, her counsellor and me too both feel she’s in a better place than she was. A year ago she was pretty much in bed all day. Now she’s going to school, eating reasonably well etc.

I’m the opposite to a slob and maybe this is the problem? I haven’t worn joggers once, maybe pyjamas as a kid and I can’t bear not to wash nor to discuss my bodily functions - sometimes at the dinner table if the boyfriend is there. Doesn’t help that DH finds it hilarious.

Appreciate any advice and thoughts.

Reading your op it seems like your main issue with her is the clothes she wears?
You've said she is good at school? Why does it matter if she wears baggy clothes?

The not washing would bother me and I would have a rule of no gaming until she has washed.

Gaming seems to be becoming a prevalent theme in terms of problems these days.

I'd probably be strict on the personal hygiene, other than that, I'm not sure. My dd doesn't do gaming, so I don't know much about it though I do know it's highly addictive.

I guess at least she has a real life boyfriend rather than an online one.

The potty talk would annoy me. I would tell her about table manners and I would be quite strict on that. DD probably engages in similar, but she knows better than to do it in front of me.

I'd say it's a case of picking your battles.

18 months of starvation and self harming?

Fgs she may hate her body and want to hide it under baggy clothes. Leave her alone. Let her process her feelings in her own way. So long as she is physically safe, eating well, no longer self harming.

You are right to support her as and when she asks you to e.g. buying new non primark clothes. Please contain your judgement and disappointment of her clothes. I can still feel my dm's disapproving glares. It deeply affected me.

Poo troll.

It sounds mostly like you hate her clothes.

It sounds like she is doing a lot better than she was. I would have a word about what is suitable conversation at the table and with who. Other than that I would let her get on with it. Personally I think you should be proud of her and yourself as it sounds like you got through a very difficult time together and even though it's not all perfect, it's a hell of a lot better than it was.
Well done op

There are two sides to this, one one hand washing you need to lay down the law about, the poo talk you can tell her has to be out of your hearing. However on the other hand you sound disproportionately and inappropriately over invested in her clothing.

Your first paragraph is all about how slim and pretty she is and your first concern and the one you spend the most time on is her baggy clothes! It sounds as though appearance and boyfriends are massively important to you, which is not where your priorities should lie as her mother.

As long as the baggy clothes are clean and undamaged his is really, really not your business! Do not try to make her dress a certain way to fit your preferences, as you say she wears uniform to school, she's every right to choose what to wear at home and your preference for fitted clothes and makeup are utterly irrelevant.

Your DD just sounds young for her age and probably unsettled by all the myriad changes (social, emotional as well as physical) of puberty and teenhood. Her immature toddlers have boyfriend and the baggy clothes, gaming and toilet humour might be a blessed release from the expectations and pressures of being a pretty, skinny teenage girl who society and her own mother would like to see in skinny jeans and tight tops and make-up - she's clearly not interested in (may not ever be) or in any event ready for attracting attention as a woman and has every right to dress in a way she's more comfortable with.

That was meant to say "her immature toddler-like boyfriend and the baggy clothes etc might be a blessed release from the expectations and pressures"

Your OP is very honest and I think you’ve accurately picked up on the main problem, which is how different she is from you. This is one of the main challenges of parenting IMO!

The clothes she wears and language she uses aren’t really your business at her age (as long as she’s not indecently dressed or swearing at the dinner table). You can show that you find it unfunny and distasteful, but I don’t think you can tell her off or punish her. Even if it wasn’t for the mental health issues, I think you have to accept that she’s nearly an adult and can choose how she dresses and who she hangs out with. You can insist on regular washing however.

I’m glad to hear she’s doing so much better, OP. That must be a massive relief for you.

@OhTheRoses
Very helpful

I think these are your issues to deal with, not hers. Leave her be and be supportive.

OP, google Deana who auditioned on The Voice on Sat night with an Amy Winehouse song. She’s tall, slim and pretty with a very non-girly style, like your DD, and she comes across brilliantly as a strong, awesome young woman.

Blimey op you wrote about her starvation and self harming almost as an afterthought. You sound quite snobby and judgemental to me. So what if her boyfriend's over weight and not quite bright enough for you? It should matter that your daughter likes him and that is all. So what if she doesn't wear well fitted,expensive clothes. Let her be comfortable in her own home fgs. I'd just be happy that her mental health has improved and she is back at school getting an education instead of constantly judging her,which by the way is terrible for a child's mental health, so I do hope you hide that side of you well.

FlagFish Deana is great. There's also Billie Eilish who dd is very into who wears big clothes. I don't think I'm getting this across so well though - there's a kind of 'style' to what they're doing. Dd looks quite homeless - very greasy hair often as well. If you imagine the most basic grey hoodie from the men's department in size XXL, that's what she'll wear. She is literally drowned in it.

I have absolutely NO desire for her to wear tight clothes, skinny jeans, tight tops and make up blueskiesovertheforest that's just not her at all.

NutElla5x I wrote about the mental health stuff because I try to see her outside of that. She hates being defined by it as well. Actually I don't care if the boyfriend is clever or not, I'm just worried that him being how he is will lead her to slip further into some unhealthy things like not washing and not being bothered.

I can see I'm coming across as judgmental and I do keep my opinions to myself apart from saying occasionally to her, 'do you think that would look better with jeans?' to which she usually says 'I don't care, I'm wearing this!'

I can see how she's hiding her body and how lacking in confidence she is. But the things she does wear and the not washing are not helping her to regain a sense of confidence.

ThatIsNachoCheese unfortunately she is not good at school, she's really struggling. But she's attending, which is a huge improvement on last year. She is not in a mainstream school now but in a PRU for kids with anxiety / depression / eating disorders. There are only 12 kids and v limited GCSE options. She won't try to do A Levels but will go straight to college so long as she can get 4 GCSEs which she needs to get in. I'm doing all I can to support her to get these but the new boyfriend is kind of saying it doesn't matter if you get none because you can just go and re-sit them all in September so it's encouraging her to work less and take it less seriously.

You might feel more confident in a certain type of clothes, that didn't mean she would. I think how she dresses is the least of your problems. Concentrate on the things that do actually matter, like encouraging her with her GCSEs and getting on that path to college, rather than held back doing resits and on the path back to health, even if it's not the path you would choose.

"they talk about awful things like what their shit is like “I’ve just done a massive dump and it was ...” "

Suuuuuuure they do.

When you say don’t wash do you mean only showering once a week or is it better or worse than this. I don’t like the BF saying you can just resit, that’s a problem obviously. But it does sound like she has come quite a way compared to how she was previously.

I’m one for baggy comfy clothes and I’m also a gamer of forty years standing. But I had a time when I had to wear suits for many years and know when I have to scrub up though I hate it. I have real sensory issues with clothes feeling tight or uncomfortable. Have to cut out labels and wear socks inside out. I just thought it was me till I read on MN that other people feel this way. Today I’m dressing as a grown up woman as out to lunch but will be straight in to a tracksuit when I walk through the door. She may have real sensory issues with clothing as well as her possibly hiding herself in it.

Adversecamber22 she showers once or twice a week. Very rarely more than that. When she does shower, she's in there for ages as she quite enjoys it. I think it's hard for her to get the motivation to go and do it though. Dd does have sensory issues with clothes, she always has since she was little. So she was never a 'party dress' kind of little girl, more leggings and t-shirts. I'm honestly fine with that. It's just that the clothes she choose are literally so grim. If you saw them on sale in a charity shop, you wouldn't buy them.

It looks like she did an effort for the previous boyfriend and it didn’t help so now she is into opposite. I would be worried about “I don’t care” attitude as well. I don’t mind baggy clothes as comfy/warm/easier to wash but not because I don’t care. I think you are right about her confidence, the problem is that she went through a lot so you need to be really careful and pick you battles like at toddler stage. I would have a word about table manners and about washing clothes. Does she in charge of her own washing? Could you “affect” this somehow ?
Style of clothes is less important and at this age most of them are in baggy clothes. Her clothes style could be very different from you just naturally, not because she’s making a point, just because she prefers certain things. It’s difficult to say. But if she is making a point giving her reassurance that you love her is even more important. She might pick up your disapproval even you are not saying anything so you need change your attitude genuinely. You won’t love you DD more in designer clothes, surely?
My mum did a lot of comments about my clothes when I was younger ( still does sometimes and i’m in my 40s). It feels like you not good enough and it’s very painful so please be careful about it.

Sorry, just realised it was about her washing not about washing her clothes. And saw your update about BF’s talk re exams. It’s not good. It takes off pressure a little bit that you can re-sit but it can’t be real plan , of course. Could you talk to school about it? The unit should have some input from educational psychologist so it might help you a little bit?
Also do you think she just not good with planning so sort of remembers about shower when it’s too late, especially if she likes longer shower? And maybe in hurry with clothes so goes for the the same obvious option.

Yanbu to be concerned at all.

I wouldn't like the idea of my dd being with a negative influence either who's showing himself to be lazy, overweight with little or no ambition. He's normalising poor life skills for her.

Your dd sounds very troubled and vulnerable. The wearing of unattractive over-sized clothes is her way of protecting herself from the big bad world. I'd imagine it's the next best thing to being wrapped up in a duvet all day.

Unfortunately if she's happy in her new relationship with the new guy there's not much you can do. If they're unclean, room a tip then I'd say you can go upstairs until room is tidy and you have had your shower etc. Take control of the wifi etc.

CallMeRachel you've put that well when you said he's 'normalising poor life skills for her'. This is the easy option for her and the way that she wants to go for that reason. I do understand it, life is just too much for her at times.

greenlynx I give her loads of love and she's very secure in the knowledge that both me and dh are there for her. We all have a very close bond. I also spend a lot of time talking about the great things she does. I don't think she would describe me or think of me as judgmental so much as supportive. That's why I'm asking on here really before I try to tackle anything with her.