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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with a friend

23 replies

FairyF1 · 10/02/2019 22:32

My DP is terminally ill and I’m finding it very hard to cope. I’ve been friends with someone for over 30 years- through school, children, divorces etc. I’ve been there for her and I thought she’d be there for me. Her boy friend of 5 years recently split with her, started seeing someone else but now they are back together. Despite my DP being seriously ill in hospital I was there for her (took her calls in the early hours of the morning, answered 5 or six texts an hour, stayed with her when she was upset and threatening suicide leaving my DP on his own in a&e etc). Now they are back together and unfortunately my DPs health has deteriorated. I called her very upset but she couldn’t speak as her bf was around, she didn’t phone me the next day. We have since made three or four arrangements to speak but each time she is too busy. I feel I’ve had enough. I’ve been there for her on so many occasions (when she divorced, family deaths etc) and just feel she’s not there for me in what is the biggest challenge I have had to face. I’m thinking I should just forget her now. I don’t want to row (we have never fallen out and I do normally think she’s great ) but I feel very hurt. I know this is an emotional time for me and I’m not sure if I am being rational - but I need friends at the moment and her reaction is making it worse. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to have no one to turn to. I am struggling on my own and feel completely fed up. AIBU?- what would you do? Thanks

OP posts:

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/02/2019 22:36

I don’t have much advice except to say your friend does not deserve you. I am so sorry about your DP, it must be so hard for you both.

mumsie8 · 10/02/2019 22:37

Cut her loose. You have enough to deal with right now and adding her selfishness to the mix is simply too much and would be for anyone in these circumstances. I'm so sorry about your DP. Concentrate on yourself and your DP and the time you have left together.

ShatnersWig · 10/02/2019 22:37

I'd decide the friendship is over and have fuck all to do with her ever again.

PersonaNonGarter · 10/02/2019 22:38

People can be very very selfish when stressed. She can’t be there for you. I think it would be worth accepting that, disappointing as it is.

CalmdownJanet · 10/02/2019 22:38

Firstly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you are clearly a very kind a lovely friend. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. But yes, she is a shitty friend and a complete user, cut her loose, you will definitely feel better for it. I hope your dp is OK

anotherwearytraveller · 10/02/2019 22:41

Wow
I’m so sorry
You sound like you have been the most amazing friend and she sounds horribly self absorbed and selfish

Focus on yourself and your DP now. Cut her loose and don’t spend a single second thinking about her any longer

Some people just do not appreciate true friendship

I so hope you have support around you in other people as it sounds like you are facing some very difficult times
Much strength to you and your DP.

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 10/02/2019 22:43

I think you need to expect nothing from her- and crucially offer nothing to her. Stop contacting her and focus on yourself, your DP and people who are there for you. If she reaches out to you explain how you feel.

tablelegs · 10/02/2019 22:51

She's a selfish cunt op and not a friend of yours. Cut her loose.

jackio2205 · 10/02/2019 22:55

Its so hard as your feeling really upset about lots of things right now, but no you're not being unreasonable at all. The problem is, do you want to do anything about it now? Answer is probably not, you've got other things on your mind and you don't need the hassle. Truth is, if you think back over your friendship I bet this isn't the only time this sort of thing has happened, Sometimes friendships are just not even and one is more giving, you gotta ask yourself if you're happy to accept that sometimes that is how it is and if not then u gotta back off.

Wishing you all the love and joy at this difficult time xxx

Nunya · 10/02/2019 23:38

I would feel completely fed up too! You are being rational. If after 30 years of friendship with you, she can choose to not be there for you in your circumstances then there is something wrong with her, not you. I would be thinking that it is definitely time to cut her loose and not look back; as it doesn’t sound like she is actually a friend to you. Her loss clearly! Some people really do not appreciate true friendship. I’m very sorry about your DP.

Nothinglefttochoose · 11/02/2019 00:32

Cut her loose and tell her why.

Fabaunt · 11/02/2019 00:35

I’m really sorry OP. Focus on yourself and your partner and cut this selfish bitch loose. She doesn’t deserve you. A friend wouldn’t ask you to leave your terminally ill partner for something so trivial as a relationship breakdown. She is a user

ChasedByBees · 11/02/2019 01:00

I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

TheBouquets · 11/02/2019 01:32

I am sorry to hear about your DH. This is a very hard time for you. It is saddening when we realise that the people we put ourselves out for when they are upset, don't return the favour when we have a distressing situation.

I would give up trying with this friend. She comes over as a bit of a user in your life. You don't need that at the best of times and this is the worst of times for you.
People here will be around at all times of the day or night and I have seen they are always willing to talk or send supportive messages

Original poster

FairyF1 · 12/02/2019 02:19

Thank you all so very much for your responses. As I’m feeling so emotional aat the moment it’s hard to know if I’m being reasonable or not. Your advice has been much appreciated.

My friend actually texted tonight to say she was home if I wanted to call and to ask if she had upset me. I’m not sure whether to respond or just to leave it. I’m exhausted and really don’t want an argument- I can’t imagine she’s unaware of how I have been feeling /that she hasn’t been there for me (she’s very sensitive to such things herself). I just dont know what I’d say. That said we have been friends for such a long time and to be honest I’m so afraid of being alone as things get worse. WWYD? Thanks

OP posts:

mediumbrownmug · 12/02/2019 02:35

First of all, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. As you asked for opinions, if I were in your shoes I’d let it go and not contact her for now. You have much more important things to focus on, and there’s every chance that sending even a kind response would be met with a row that would divide your attention at this crucial time. You deserve to look after yourself just now, and to me it’s a red flag that she’s asking IF she upset you. Surely a good friend would apologize straight off, given your circumstances.

blackcat86 · 12/02/2019 02:43

Personally I would ignore her. She's waited until its convenient for her which seems to have taken several days, whilst she's happily piled on the emotional baggage during her break up. Unfortunately difficult times really show us who our friends our. I had a horrible birth with my daughter and she nearly died but some of our closest 'friends' didn't actually seem to give a shit and just wanted to pretend it was all fine. Cut her loose. You won't change her after 30years. You could call her bluff and say that you feel unsupported but she'll probably just make it all about her and tell you all the hardships that she's had recently to make you feel bad. Reserve your emotional energy.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 12/02/2019 02:47

Sorry I disagree with the comments here. I don’t disagree that you are going through an awful time and you need help and support. But your friend has a mental illness and has been suicidal before, you can’t expect this person to cope and be there for something like this. We can be there in her place though if you need to talk x

Springwalk · 12/02/2019 03:02

I am so sorry you are going through this op, you feel so alone at points along this journey and the pain of caring this alone.

Sadly during our most difficult times we tend to see other people’s true colours. It is not always a pretty sight.
For now focus ENTIRELY on your dp, spending time with him, and looking after yourself. If there is support help line such as Macmillan or the equivalent for someone to talk to - call them, they are beyond fantastic.

I would not give your friend another thought for the moment, if she is mentally unwell maybe she genuinely doesn’t have capacity to help at this very moment.

But nothing should stop you from seeking proper help. Seeing a counsellor would help enormously. You ca off load safely and without any need to return the favour. Gather family, friends and all those that care for you. Tell them how hard it is. There wiii be many ‘angels’ in the wings that will help, perhaps from those you least expect.

💐💐💐💐 for you

Springwalk · 12/02/2019 03:03

Painbof carrying this alone

tazzle22 · 12/02/2019 03:16

So sorry to hear that you are going through such a stressful and emotional time.

I have found similar to you as for this last year I have had similar experience. Sometimes it's because I think people can empathise for acute short term issues but struggle to be there for longer term. Was she maybe there for you around the diagnosis time ...if that's relevant... but struggling to realise you need support and be there for you if it's been a longer term slow deterioration with your dp. If you are "looking strong" and saying you are fine she may be not seeing you need her... that made worse by her acute thing atm

I know we should not need to spell it out that we need support, I know I struggle with that despite being the first to be there for others.

I can understand that part of you wants to maybe say piss off to her now as she was not there for you when you needed her but i hear you saying telling her that, even if a polite way, will cause a row and you understandably don't have the energy for that.

If there's a chance she would actually apologise and be there for you rather than take offence then maybe it is worth the risk to get the support you need. If you just ignore her she will presumably keep texting you till you reply which might be worse than being honest with her. If you don't reply and cut her loose without telling her why you definately lose a friend. If you have never needed her to be there for you before she might not have realised you needed her now...if you tell her honestly you want her support and how you feel hurt she might just step up to the mark and be there.

It took me doing that with someone last year... she had not seen my struggle over a bereavement we had in common when i was supporting her and she was ill tempered with me all the time and I was still there are I realised it was grief talking. It took me breaking down in tears over a relatively small rudeness for her to acknowledge that I was grieving too.

It's hard when you just want to talk / cry / have a hug/ shout and scream how unfair it is that you will loose a dp (without any chance of reconciliation like she's had) . It sucks !!!!

If you want one here's a hug ((((0)))

Gone4Good · 12/02/2019 03:20

I'm so sorry for what you and your DP is going through.

I would talk to her, lean on her if she even allows you to and when all this is over, move on, find a more deserving friend (s) because you've discovered this one won't be there for you when you really need her.

PersonaNonGarter · 15/02/2019 20:52

I’m basically in mourning for the end of Season 4. Seriously considering a rewatch.

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