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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Renamed my baby and feeling daft/ashamed. Is this unreasonable?

19 replies

britesch · 10/02/2019 22:04

Hi mums. Sorry if this is not quite the right place to post, I'm not sure where else to go. Do I ever feel silly posting this, but I would love a third party perspective. I had a lovely DD back in August. After DH and I married, we weren't sure about having children and I ended up pregnant, I did my best to embrace the situation but it was a 9 months fraught with depression and anxiety over the impending life change.

I had spent hours a day crying as I just didn't know what to do or where to turn, I had no support and felt like I wouldn't be a capable mum given how I felt. As a result, everything was a total haze, including finances, the nursery, names, as I thought "oh it doesn't matter, my life's over anyway and this poor child will have me as a mum" … "what a disaster, can I find someone to adopt..." Looking back, how irrational and horrid was that... I feel such shame.

Hindsight is 20/20 now. Of course I grew to love DD more than anything and realised what an absolute blessing I was given - didn't know that until I experienced it. With a clearer mind, I realised how skewed my thinking was and that I felt so horrible that I just pulled a name out of thin air to get it over with - I was rock bottom.

I talked to DH about renaming her when she was 2 months old as a fresh start, among other things. DH agreed it would be good for us, and I am SO happy/relieved that we did it, but it was so embarrassing, stressful, shameful announcing the name change and going through the process. Now we have renamed her and I am so happy she has a name I was able to really connect with as I've connected with her, but I am so bloody ashamed of her birth record now, months after all this mess. It has the old name printed on it. I know some of you will be thinking "Wow, who cares when there are so many worse things" and I realise how silly I must sound, but I can't seem to shake this feeling of despair that I've tainted my child's birth record? What if I had been in a better mindset, what if this, what if that... I've tainted it, I've messed it up forever...

I'm in therapy and it's helped a bit, but I don't know what's wrong. She suggested I may have a bit of PTSD (??) surrounding the entire situation but that seems so severe to me.

I don't know gals, is this unreasonable? Is this strange? I feel happy every day now but when my thoughts turn to the name situation I just want to bury my face and cry. I feel as if my reaction to this is stronger than what should be expected and I'm afraid I'll never be able to accept this. :(

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 10/02/2019 22:05

Are you UK op? Fresh bc has no indicator of the original name...

DancingintheSpoonlight · 10/02/2019 22:09

You did what was right for your family. I can understand the angle you're coming from, but from an outsider pov: you had a tough time (my god it is a tough time never mind with added emotions) and you're working on it all. You won't be the first to rename and you won't be the last. Embrace that you're on the right track and you love DDs name which will be on everything from now on!

Singlenotsingle · 10/02/2019 22:14

Just forget the old name. It doesn't exist any more.

Doje · 10/02/2019 22:14

Be proud of it OP. That name change is a record of the struggle that you went through, and you conquered it!

juniperjune · 10/02/2019 22:17

I renamed my child and have similar feelings about her original birth certificate, I don't think it's unreasonable. What's helped me is ordering new birth certificates and putting these in the certificate box with the original hidden in an envelope, and also applying for a passport in the new name as this feels such a much more official document than a birth certificate anyway and is used more and has her photo. It has no mention of previous name. Good luck op.

Sparklybanana · 10/02/2019 22:18

Sounds like a great idea. You tell your dd that she had another name originally but she helped you chose a new name which was perfect for her (which is true). She could love that story of how she became ‘she’. It’s better having a name you love than one that reminds you of how you felt when hormones were ruling your mind.

You did the right thing. Don’t sweat the past, don’t worry about the future, the only thing you can control is what you do today. Today you love your daughter and that is the only thing that is important to your daughter.

Mookatron · 10/02/2019 22:24

What a strong, loving thing you did. The emotions you're having about this sound to strong to be sorted out by a platitude from a stranger, but if it helps, I think you're a brave and positive person for changing DD's name when you wanted/needed to. It's really common to feel horrendous for the first few months of a baby's life and you've responded to that in a way that's really productive for the future.

3out · 10/02/2019 22:26

Agree with Sparkly and Juniper. So glad to hear you’re getting therapy, well done Britesch, that sounds a healthy situation.
I don’t think your feelings are irrational, I think I’d feel the same. I like the passport idea.

GB54 · 10/02/2019 22:29

Are you in the UK? My parents changed my name as a baby and there’s no mention of the old one on my birth certificate. It doesn’t bother me knowing I had a different name, they told me they didn’t like it and changed their minds. Everything will be ok!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/02/2019 22:35

You are v v hard on yourself, talk to yourself kindly and congratulate yourself for coming though hell. Lots of mums can relate to pre natal depression anxiety. You are not alone. Work though the therapy even when it gets hard you sound like you have a lot to unpack

Haworthia · 10/02/2019 22:37

I think I understand how you feel. I had very severe postnatal depression/anxiety in the months after my first child’s birth. Looking back I don’t recognise myself. I’m sure my family all found it terrible and yes, I felt sad and ashamed what happened now I can look back on it with fresh eyes.

You can’t change the past though. And antenatal depression is real and more women suffer than you realise.

All you can do is accept what happened and leave it in the past where it belongs. Of course you’d rather not have a reminder of those days, but in time it will be completely irrelevant to you, I promise you.

IdaBWells · 10/02/2019 22:54

OP I just want you to know that post-natal anxiety is more common than post-natal depression. It is so so common to find something to totally stress and obsess over in a way that involves lots of self-recrimination (blaming and shaming yourself). I have three kids and I remember the emotions of being very sleep deprived and happy with a new baby mixed in with the anxiety I’ve just described. I can’t even remember now what I was obsessing over.

I think it’s a mixture of hormones with the understandable stress of having a huge, permanent life-changing responsibility. We have so much joy and happiness loving our new baby but it is a massive culture shock.

Try and be gentle with yourself and know this is just passing. I promise you that in years to come you will not be beating yourself up about this! You are a great mum, your emotions before the birth were totally normal and understandable. Imagine your daughter as an adult, would you want her feeling this way? Be kind to you xxx

almostn9ne · 10/02/2019 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 10/02/2019 23:09

Sweetheart, don't beat yourself up! As @sparklybanana said, you've got a lovely story to tell her when she's older that really she named herself. That's a lovely thing to give a child - that they were so themselves they needed to be given a name that reflected them better. Think what that will give her in terms of self-esteem, as long as you emphasise the positive side of it. You made a change for the better, for her

ScrimshawTheSecond · 10/02/2019 23:11

It sounds like you have a bit of PTSD, I would agree. Glad you're getting help with it. It took me a very long time to get over one of my kids' births, and certain things would trigger it. Be gentle with yourself, sometimes we have to take things a little bit at a time. You're doing great. Just take it slowly! x

HPelham · 10/02/2019 23:23

Oh, OP. What a lot you have been through.

I have RTFT, and there is a lot of kindness and good advice here. People have said it all for me.

Your DD is lucky to have you. xx

WhatNow40 · 10/02/2019 23:29

PILs changed their minds about BILs name when he was 6 months old. He's called x by everyone who knows him but birth cert says y. That's more messy imo but hasn't caused him any kind of problem at all. Sometimes it's a funny talking point or makes for interesting intros. He's recently emigrated to USA and it didn't cause a problem there either, even though all his academic qualifications are in the non-legal name!

Years from now, this will feel so unimportant. I don't mean to trivialise it, take comfort that it's not going to make a difference to your child's life or long term happiness, only yours.

peachgreen · 10/02/2019 23:29

OP, I went through some similar things and I would be proud to have a reminder of how hard I worked and the fresh start I achieved for me and my daughter. You should be too.

If it helps this thread comes up ALL the time - it's a much more common thing than you would think, and often causes feelings of distress. Keep working through it in therapy.

You are an amazing mum. Well done.

IncrediblySadToo · 10/02/2019 23:46

Aye right.

It’s a common enough dilemma. Usually becomes Daily Fail fodder.

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