To think I'm f***ing disgusting

[ABeachInBarcelona]

I just feel like I hate myself.

No matter how "beautiful" my partner tells me I am, I hate myself from the inside out.

I am constantly stressed and worried over what is probably little stuff to the point I get myself upset and worked up. I feel like I'm a horrible person who can't do anything right. My personality is shit. I am not funny. I don't have my patience before my brain goes into overdrive and I worry. I am over sensitive. The list goes on.

I hate my appearance. I'm too pale and freckley to be pretty. I'm ugly. I'm on the chubby side. I've been dieting and exercising to make myself feel better but it's made me realise I can't change my body shape. I'll never be skinny.

My hair is shit.

I just feel shit. Constantly.

Have you asked work about compressed hours, flexibility etc? Under 3 with each dc I was constantly fighting exhaustion. Sometimes you can have really strong bad feelings that are tiredness driven.

I need a confidence boost.

With the greatest respect though. You get a confidence boost constantly if your DH is always telling you how beautiful you are. Not all women have that. You do sometimes have to count your lucky stars.

This may help you!

Once I was feeling so so awful and i asked all my friends and family ' what is your favourite thing about me?' the responses I received transformed everything. I couldn't believe the person they were describing. They called me funny, pretty, reliable, hardworking and all sorts. They sent me paragraphs of how I had helped them and made their lives so much better. I had no idea. I hated myself. Please treat yourself as you would with your friends. You wouldn't call your friend disgusting. You are so harsh on yourself. There must be something you love about yourself.

Thank you everyone.

I've felt like this for as long as I remember to be honest so I'm not sure it's a tiredness thing.

I really appreciate the advice but I'd feel too embarrassed to ask what my family thing as I'd feel like I would look like I'm fishing for compliments.

Also, I'm sorry if I offended. I know I'm lucky to have a nice partner but I can't get my head around him thinking I'm a nice person or a beautiful person. It's like I think he's lying to me.

I'm sorry x

This sounds like depression.

I would consider some kind of therapy to help you challenge those thoughts about yourself.

Medication might also be useful, depending on your thoughts and feelings about taking it.

Those don’t sound like normal thoughts to me. I don’t have much (any) experience of mental health though. Can’t imagine feeling that way. Maybe cbt to get more optimistic? Know lots of women who are unhappily single and would love a baby and they are in a better frame of mind than you.

If this isn’t particularly worse right now, then you need to see your GP for a referral for psychological help then, it sounds a draining way to live. I’d assumed as you are posting about this now, this has somehow come to a head for you now. If it’s that you are ready to get help for the sake of your family, then that’s good.

Hope you don't mind me commenting as a bloke....

Just wanted to say that IME many women are waaaay too harsh on themselves for perceived imperfections which other people probably don't even notice. I think the vast majority of 'average' people can look pretty good if in decent shape and well dressed - you don't need the chiseled features of a supermodel to look attractive.

Sounds like depression to me too.

It must be so hard feeling like that about yourself.

I wonder, were those things you heard from your mum and dad? That you are disgusting?

There are some lovely vyoutube Vids on compassion for yourself.

Try mindfulness/meditation to ease those thoughts

You say you have always been like this, do you mean since as long as you can remember maybe even as a child? You have either had something happen to you, it may be buried deep down in your psyche now or as controversial as it is your personality type for some reason has just been this negative about yourself always and there is no reason to disentangle.

I had a friend when younger she was great fun but had deep seated issues. Very negative and self destructive . She explored through therapy and her GP solutions and is on medication for life. It has helped her be less negative, get married and also train as a teacher which she is very good at. But they never really found the root cause, nothing had happened to her. No dreadful childhood, no terrible incident it was just the way she was made. We haven’t been in touch for a while mainly due to her job and relocating. But in seeking professional help she made her life so much better. I suggest you look for some help, good luck.

@ABeachInBarcelona

OP, would you go to a friend/random person and tell them they're ugly/disgusting?

I'll jump to asuming you wouldn't and ask you: what do you say this about yourself? You are unkind to yourself. You need to love yourself as you are, especially when it comes to phsyical traits. Sure, you can do your hair/lose weight/whatever but you'll still have the same traits.

Try and work on being kinder to yourself (and never call yourself disgusting again!!!). If you need help, please see your GP.

I recommend starting a gratitude journal to pull you out of this negative hole.

I just don't think I'm very well. I think you've made me realise.

Two examples today. I couldn't find my sons hat. I remember him having it on Friday but he apparently left it at nursery at Thursday. That's played in my head ALL day to the point I'm worrying. But my head is also telling me it doesn't matter.

Then. I went through a speed camera knowing I was going the correct speed but spent 10 minutes dwelling over "what if I was speeding".

I'm going mad.

Go and see your GP. There's help available

Ah, it sounds like raging anxiety. It's scary when you have a little child, how much you love them, how frightened you are for them. Ime it sets off anxiety klaxons a bit.

I also think CBT could really help OP. IMO, YANBU. You are not disgusting. I'm also pale with freckles. Your body is amazing and you should realise it. I used to feel the same about myself but I just got to a point where I was fed up with hating myself.

You obviously have love to give, why not try to love yourself?

You're not going mad OP you sound very stressed anxious and depressed all of which can be helped by the doctor. Tell your GP. Good luck

You need to see your GP asap.

Definitely agree that you should seek some counselling to change your mindset. Your self esteem sounds like it is rock bottom and something must be causing that. Sorry that you are feeling so down about yourself though. I find exercising really helps me feel confident and happy, even though it is hard to get motivated. Also, you sound like you need some ‘me’ time to remind yourself about what you used to like about yourself. Could you get a night away with an old friend from pre-kids and have a fun getaway maybe? Or take one night a week to go to an evening class in something inspiring?

Sounds like anxiety to me which really is an irrational illness. You can’t help the thoughts you are having but you can take steps to deal with them and practise some techniques to help. Mindfulness is one. If you can master that, you are half way there. CBT helps too. Google some of these and Try them.

An example of how one might help is to write down your fear and then rationalise it.