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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help! Husband addicted to cannabis

15 replies

D4rkangel · 10/02/2019 16:45

I’ve been with h for 17 years he’s 38 and he’s smoking weed, he did quit a few years ago only for a year but restarted when this 16 year old came into our lives. I didn’t know her at all and of course I questioned it. But was told I’m being silly. now she’s 22 and smokes weed constantly, yes I did get jealous as they were going out ‘enjoying life’ I had put on weight and dealing with the kids 24/7. he now goes with her and her bf to cannabis clubs, rolling joints, bongs and dabs. I can’t take it anymore. We have 3 kids together and 6 months ago he packed some of his stuff and moved out to stay with friends who also smoke weed. H sees the kids 1 day a week. I believe he doesn’t have any sober friends left. This female friend turned on me after she found out h left me and wrote very nasty things about me on fb. I spoke to h about it and he took her side as I was told to just ignore it and im being childish. I thought he would’ve stuck up for me but no. I don’t know the person who I’m married to anymore. H looks different, skinny and trying to look younger. I thought midlife crisis and I said go to the drs which he did and the dr advised getting counselling to come off weed but he still hasn’t. I think he goes to the appointments just to keep me quiet but then it ends there. I have thought about divorce for some time and I also don’t want to throw my marriage away but if he keeps smoking and hanging around with the other influences I’m going to have to let him go. I deserve to be loved, appreciated and wanted. Is my marriage a lost cause or do I keep fighting?? Has anyone else gone through this?
Sorry for the long post x

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 10/02/2019 16:47

I think he’s moved out and lived on

Not sure what you are waiting for? Divorce him.

EdwardScissorskills · 10/02/2019 16:48

I am sorry, but you are not the one throwing your marriage away. In fact, sounds like he has already left it.

notapizzaeater · 10/02/2019 16:49

Why would you fight ? He's moved on, you need to

werideatdawn · 10/02/2019 16:51

Well I mean..he had checked out. I think he already has thrown the marriage away. I would divorce him and hold on to my dignity.

SpiritedLondon · 10/02/2019 16:55

I’m sorry you can’t make a marriage work in your own through sheer willpower. He needs to want to be part of it too but it doesn’t sound like he has any intention of participating. Let him get on with it and see if he makes any attempts to get clean and patch things up without you instigating it. Sorry - it sounds really shit.

Original poster

D4rkangel · 10/02/2019 17:10

Thank you for your replies. I think I better start saving for the papers. I just don’t want my kids to get hurt in the process and I have told them on many occasions, none of this is their fault whatsoever. I have to do the right thing for me x

OP posts:

lilpeach · 10/02/2019 17:27

Be honest with yourself: is it the weed that really bothers you, or the young girl? I don't intend to offend you, but it seems you may be jealous - it seems he has found an identity and social group and you're not a part of it at all. I think it's important for a married couple to be on the same page and it seems that unfortunately, you're very different people with conflicting views.

Now that cannabis is being researched and used in medicine, legalised in countries and states, and CBD/hemp products gaining popularity and being sold legally in the UK, the culture is experiencing somewhat of a boom. I can absolutely understand the worry if a loved one is using cannabis illegally, but there is a huge community out there and it seems your husband has found a place within it.
I agree with other posters that it doesn't seem the marriage is worth saving at this point. You can and will find better, try to be brave.

Jamhandprints · 10/02/2019 17:31

It sounds awful OP. I hope you can get the divorce sorted. You and your children deserve better.

Raven88 · 10/02/2019 17:38

He made the decision for you 6 months ago. I would divorce and move on.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 10/02/2019 17:41

Dear god, stop waiting for him to sort himself out and get on with your own life. There’s no marriage left to fight for anymore.

Personally it would have been the end for me once he started hanging around with a 16 year old. At worst, he’s a pervert, weird and quite pathetic, at best it’s just weird and quite pathetic.

Original poster

D4rkangel · 10/02/2019 17:50

@lilpeach thanks for your reply and it’s actually both, I did attend to one of his social events and support him for his choice of relaxation and I actually didn’t mind the one joint a night as it didn’t affect us as a couple but when it came to having one straight after the other and then doing bongs from morning, noon and night and not helping with the kids as he had no energy but could muster it up to go out with friends everyday and not come home until 2am. The kids were not allowed to join in any outings as she doesn’t like kids. I am glad it has been legalised for people who genuinely need it but I know that he’s is picking up from a dealer off the street. And the reason I was jealous was because she had my h attention all the time. X

OP posts:

lilpeach · 10/02/2019 18:03

I appreciate your honesty and I 100000% get where you're coming from and would be the exact same! I would not be happy with this girl, now woman, having such a prominent place in my husbands life. And the cannabis usage going through the roof like that. It ABSOLUTELY should be you and the kids being the priority. He is almost trying to prove to you that his priorities have changed but is clearly too much of a wimp to have an adult conversation with you.
You deserve so much more than some dopey prat who makes you jealous like that without considering your feelings, and wastes money and oxygen by being such a layabout stoner. I agree in saying cannabis is a god send for some, but for the people abusing it like you say he is doing.. nobody should put up with that.

I know you've been together for a long time and being with him is all you know, but trust me, there's a life where you and your kids are the stars and no one to bring you down! It may be that your time has come to put yourself first. Change is hard and scary, but sometimes so necessary. Good luck OP!

Original poster

D4rkangel · 10/02/2019 20:24

Thank you for your replies, I have a fantastic support network and I’ve been surrounded by my friends. I’m trying to put a brave face on for my kids but I’m scared of the future as I don’t want to get hurt again. I did speak to one of my close friend and said I don’t know how I’m going to do this by myself and she pointed out that I’m already doing it. I think the hardest part is seeing him in another relationship. Even though he’s chosen this lifestyle and it’s been 6 months. It’s still so raw. I think getting an outsiders opinion has helped. I just don’t want to sound like I’m weak and pathetic 😐

OP posts:

Itssosunnyout · 10/02/2019 23:00

Sorry that you are going through this.

Live your life for yourself now. You've supported him and given him every opportunity but he has made his choice. The kids will understand this as they grow up.

Unfortunately he is an addict and until he sees that his only focus is cannabis and how it has torn the family apart nothing will change. He has moved out and immersed himself completely in his lifestyle. He states its for 'relaxation' but there are so many other things he could do. He's chosen to spend money that could go to the family on drugs which are illegal. He doesn't present himself as a good role model to his children and started hanging out with a child taking drugs with her and her boyfriend. He doesn't seem to want to grow up.

Use this time to invest in yourself and your children and don't chase him any longer.

You deserve much better and shouldn't have to go through this pain.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2019 23:04

Sigh

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