Henpecked

[Luxuryhandwash]

AIBU to think that if a man is “henpecked” he is effectively in an abusive relationship? Yet society seems to take no notice. If it was the other way round and the woman was constantly being put down, told what to do and criticised or not allowed out without permission there’d be an outcry wouldn’t there? Why do people just shrug and say things like “he’s so under the thumb” or “she wears the trousers” or “he just needs to man up” etc like it’s somehow ok for men to be in these situations or AIBU?

I don’t know what you’re talking about TBH. Abuse whether MtF or FtM isn’t on.

My brother is in an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s terrible. .

I agree it’s not on, but somehow men who are on the receiving end don’t seem to be taken seriously.

'If it was the other way round and the woman was constantly being put down, told what to do and criticised or not allowed out without permission there’d be an outcry wouldn’t there?'

Would there?

This literally goes on all the time.

It happens all the time to women and always has done and there is no outcry.

Also, some of the men who claim to be henpecked are actually abusers.

That isn't to say men aren't ever abused, just to be clear.

And while I would never ever condone DA, there is an outcry about women because 2 women die every week from DV.

2 a week.

Men tend to define henpecked as "being asked to pick up pants from floor twice".

Just to clarify I am not talking about people genuinely being abused; just men who like to use "henpecked" to belittle their partner querying WTAF they don't do their share.

'He needs to man up' is the flip side of 'boys will be boys', and I don't think you'll find many people who condone it round here.

Henpecked is a funny expression. It could be where a woman literally does everything in the house and has to keep on at the guy to do anything. Then the guy would be abusive too? Albeit passively.

Are you a man OP?

agree with the point about some men being abusive who claim this. My ex, for example. Did nothing, zero, sat on his arse and wouldn't move a finger to help with me, the house, our new baby (and I had had an EMCS) yet when I asked him to do something to help (anything) claimed he was henpecked. You couldn't make it up.

I think 'henpecked' is a horrible and belittling word. It is misused by men who are asked to do their share at home. If it is used to describe actual emotional abuse from women to men, then it is the wrong word. It would also belittle an abused man's experience.

Emotional abuse is awful and insidious and so hard to describe. This word isn't helpful

Men are more emotionally stoic than women, so they should be better able to cope with EA.
With men being physically stronger than women any EA can be much more damaging. So lets not worry to much about men being henpecked, they can cope with it.

I think 'henpecked' is a horrible and belittling word. It is misused by men who are asked to do their share at home

This^ is my experience of hearing about 'henpecked' men. Men who are asked to do their share at home, to not go to strip clubs, to not be out at the pub all night, most nights, getting wasted when they have a wife and child at home and adult responsibilities.

DV/DA certainly does happen to men too, there's no doubt about that. But do not belittle their experience by conflating it with 'henpecking' or being 'under the thumb' (i.e. a man being asked to step up to his responsibilities and consider people other than himself.)

In my experience and observations, it is usually other men who direct the 'under the thumb' line at their more considerate mates who won't follow the pack. Their 'henpecked' friend shows them up, so they insult him.
Again, this is completely separate from DV and DA issues (which are statistically much more lethal to women, than they are to men).

Actually I think henpecked has often been used by men to belittle other men.
My dad was with my mum when she gave birth to me. It was really unusual then and had only recently been allowed by the hospital concerned(he didn't see my sister's birth because it wasn't allowed). He also changed nappies and liked to push me and my sister around in the pram.
He always did stuff around the house including washing and ironing.
He said he got the piss taken out of him at work constantly, he must be henpecked. Must be the missus telling him what to do. It really wasn't.
I always remember my mum telling my grandma what a fantastic son she had brought up.

Hen pecked/pussy whipped - funny how there are no phrases for the other way round - cock bludgeoned?!

ragnarthe that’s actually why I posted!! It was DH moaning that one of his mates should “man up” and is “under the thumb” etc etc.
Yes I’m a woman!! I just felt sad for this man as he always looks down trodden and quite frankly ill. Not allowed out “without permission” etc. I looked up henpecked (as those were DH’s words) and found this....

www.breezystorm.com/top-10-signs-henpecked-husband/

Obviously I’m not suggesting this is comparable to the abhorant abuse many women suffer at the hands of men, but I just wondered what people thought of men suffering at the hands of women as it almost seems to be seen the fault of the man for being “weak”

My Aunt's husband was 'henpecked', in reality he was verbally abused on a daily basis, he was a child from a Barnado charity, knew his siblings who were all split up, and basically my Aunt never let him forget that he practically had no-one but her. He is a lovely , kind man, my Dad said he couldn't have wished for a better brother in law, however, if he was late home from work, his dinner would be cold, if my Aunt cooked for guests he would always get the smallest portion of meat, he daren't be late back from a night out, even from family related drinks, she would shout at him in front of others, constantly criticise him, had lots of household chores he had to do, made very few family decisions and would be accused of fancying other women if he spoke to any female. His life never seemed to be happy, my Aunt died in her late forties, he was heartbroken, however remarried a really lovely lady about 5 years ago, he is like a different man, so nice to see, and my dad was his best man for the second time. We loved out Aunt, however she was a tyrant to this unassuming kind man, 'henpecked' he wasn't, bullied he was

It’s a culturally accepted trope. Things like Coronation Street and Eastenders perpetuate it where the “hen pecking” is played for laughs.

Steve McDonald in Corrie takes a hell of a lot of disdain, contempt and abuse from his mother and from his partners over the years. Karen, Becky, Michelle, and it’s presented as funny and him deserving it.

In Eastenders particularly, men are often slapped, punched, have drinks poured over them and again its positioned as them getting their just deserts.

The type of men I have come across who would use the phrase henpecked have been misogynistic, rugby club drinking, sexist, lazy and selfish men who enjoy being part of the 'wolf pack' and have no respect for women. They consider one of their own 'henpecked' if they have to miss one of their many heavy nights out to stay at home and 'babysit' their own children. Oh, these poor henpecked men.

Ot but if you had hens you wouldn't think being hen pecked was something little like leaving pants in the floor. Chickens both sexes are evil fuckers and seem to delight in bullying each other and wouldn't think twice about stamping someone to death.

But back to op I don't agree, I think under the thumb, hen pecked is a way of criticizing and de masculating a man that is happy to be involved in family matters.

However @masterandmargarolita I love cock bludgeoned and willy whipped for that matter and will now be using them in an equally sexist manner when my girlfriends have to do something manly (watch football, put out bins etc)

Not allowed out without permission.

Is that the same as, checks with wife to see if childcare is in place before skipping off the the pub for post work pints with the other menfolk?

Or maybe even, doesn’t want to go to the pub but would be abused by the lads if he said that, so blames the wife instead?

I mean he might be in an abusive relationship. But he might just not like socialising with your DH and his mates.

*Walkingdeadfangirl

Men are more emotionally stoic than women, so they should be better able to cope with EA.
With men being physically stronger than women any EA can be much more damaging. So lets not worry to much about men being henpecked, they can cope with it.*

So it's ok to emotionally abuse a man because they are better able to cope with it? Unbelievable