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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave my baby with my DM

25 replies

Littlefroggy18 · 10/02/2019 09:39

My DD is 11 weeks old, 1st grandchild for my parents and they adore her! My DM however is quite old fashioned and thinks a lot of the advice/guidelines now regarding babies is over the top and a load of rubbish. Specifically regarding sleeping and weaning, she’s driving me mad telling me she can’t believe we still have her sleeping in our room and it’s ridiculous that I go up to bed with her early every night so she isn’t sleeping alone.
She’s also starting banging on about weaning saying I’ll need to start giving her baby rice etc soon, when I said I wouldn’t be weaning her until around 6 months she just went on and on about how it wasn’t like that when she had me and it’s ridiculous to wait 6 months, I’ll never manage to wait 6 months and blah blah blah!!!
Anyway I digress, me and DH have some vouchers for a activity we want to do and DM has offered to look after DD for a few hours in a couple of weeks while we do this. I would really like to spend some time with DH and do this activity, DD is formula fed so no issue leaving her from a feeding point of view. I just feel uncomfortable leaving her with my DM due to her out dated views on her safety. Don’t get me wrong she absolutely adores DD but she def thinks she knows best when it comes to knowing how to look after her and it just makes me uncomfortable. DH thinks I’m over reacting a bit and a few hours won’t be a issue, he would be more concerned if we were leaving her overnight due to her views on sleeping. AIBU for not feeling okay about this?

OP posts:
Bambamber · 10/02/2019 09:48

YANBU

I wouldn't have her babysit when you know full well that she won't respect your parenting decisions. You would probably come and she will have given her baby rice just because she thinks she's right

Original poster
Littlefroggy18 · 10/02/2019 09:59

That’s exactly what I said to DH about the baby rice bambamber I have no issue with her not agreeing, she’s entitled to her opinion I just wish she wouldn’t be so vocal about it and accept that while she might not agree these are the decisions we’ve made.

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 10/02/2019 10:06

I think you need to sit your DM down and tell her what you've said in your OP. Having a baby 30+ years ago does not make her an expert on mothering babies, I've had 2 much more recently and can barely remember what is like having an 11 week old.

You need to assert yourself with her as an adult and make clear you are the parent here. My DM was a bit Confused about some of the stuff SIL told her to do bit ultimately it was SIL's baby so she called the shots....!

Merryoldgoat · 10/02/2019 10:07

Nope. She’d do all the things she’s been telling you to to prove you wrong.

Shixtyshixpershent · 10/02/2019 10:09

Yanbu

My mum is the same. She’s a lovely Granny and I love her to pieces, but she does things her way regardless of my feelings and parenting choices.

If I say I do things differently or explain that some child raising practices have changed I’m the unreasonable one. She just can’t get her head around it and thinks I’m being ott.

Without a doubt she would feed my dc things they’re allergic to or would do things that we no longer consider safe or best practice. And then deny all knowledge. It’s sad because I can’t trust her to respect my wishes.

But she is in all other respects an amazing loving grandparent. She’s just very firmly stuck in her ways.

And I wouldn’t even say I’m particularly uptight about things, it’s just my time to raise my children the way I want to. As I’m still bfing she hasn’t had my youngest yet. But we’ve butted heads a lot with my other dc.

MsVestibule · 10/02/2019 10:10

As long as you feel she will look after your DD well and you tell her explicitly that she mustn't feed her anything but the formula you give her (although do you really think she would?) I think you should go.

Original poster
Littlefroggy18 · 10/02/2019 10:13

You’re right teate I’m not the best at asserting myself, something I need to work on. We end up arguing because I always bite when she starts going on about stuff and it it makes me mad!! I’ve told her countless times things are different now and she just rolls her eyes.

OP posts:
Omzlas · 10/02/2019 10:14

Do you think she'll do stuff 'her way'? I.e. baby rice etc?

If so, don't leave baby with her.

YANBU with your concerns though

Original poster
Littlefroggy18 · 10/02/2019 10:19

Your DM sounds exactly like mine shixty it’s so hard isn’t it! I’m not actually sure she would go as far as feeding her food when I’ve said not too but she would definitely leave her to sleep alone. I don’t doubt that for a second.

I’m not particularly uptight about the sleeping thing as in I do leave the room when she’s sleeping to have a quick shower or nip and stick some washing on etc but for the majority of all sleeps I am in the room. DM would put her upstairs for a nap & come down with the monitor and leave her to it and I’m really not comfortable with that yet.

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 10/02/2019 10:25

yanbu

You will return and she will be triumphantly telling you how DD had loads of baby rice and absolutely loved it.

Is there nobody else ho can look after DD?

Teateaandmoretea · 10/02/2019 10:26

I think it sounds like you are dealing with your mother in a very reactive way.

You need to be more proactive and be completely honest with her. Call her out on eye rolling if needed what daft behaviour honestly.

DM would put her upstairs for a nap & come down with the monitor and leave her to it and I’m really not comfortable with that yet.

One of the tricks to being assertive is to tell people what they can do/ you do agree with rather than what they can't. So turn this round to 'I know you prefer babies upstairs sleeping and it's great you've got a monitor, I'll be happy for her to do that from 6 months' OR 'I'm happy for you to look after her from 6 months when she's weaning and sleeping upstairs'. Keep repeating.

RupaulsGagRace · 10/02/2019 10:27

You do know she will feed her the baby rice. She will do the things she thinks are 'the right way' in her books.

You need to be firm and say NO.
NO. i will not wean earlier as the babies stomach is not ready and there is science proving this.
NO. I will not let her sleep alone due to SIDS. There is also science to prove this.

And OP, id be inclined to wait till after 6 months to do said activity if you cant 100% trust your parenting choices wont be respected. Its not worth the hassle.

Youknowmedontyou · 10/02/2019 10:47

I cannot understand any GM not strictly following the wishes of the parents, no matter what their personal view.

Mind you having said that I've seen my own sister going against her DDIL wishes, so why am I surprised.

If you feel you really can't trust her then you'll not enjoy the activity anyway.

Do you have a friend who could help out?

MyFootHurts · 10/02/2019 11:01

I wouldn't trust her. My mil was very similar in as much as she thought she was an expert having reared 2 of her own. I caught her one day shoving her finger loaded with Nutella chocolate spread into my ebf baby, and that was when I was in the room with her! After that, I knew I couldn't trust her and she's never had unsupervised contact with them since. If I were you, I would find someone else to look after your baby... Someone you can trust to follow your direction, even if they don't necessarily agree.

Singlenotsingle · 10/02/2019 11:18

Surely you're over thinking this? You're hoping to do an activity that will take a few hours? It's not as though you're going off on holiday for 2 weeks! And your DM brought you up successfully didn't she? Your baby will be fine.

Yes, things used to be different and people ought to move with the times, but they don't always. It's not the end of the world.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/02/2019 11:46

And if you do leave her with your mum, hide the condensed milk!

I would sit down with her and have a chat. Ask her outright, if I leave 'Johnny' with you, are you going to feed him baby rice?

Look her in the eye. Tell her that you want to leave the baby with her but you honestly do not trust her not to carry out your wishes. Ask her again, look her in the eye and ask if she will do things your way or her way.

Let her answer.

Take it from there.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 10/02/2019 11:55

Tell her if she doesn't intend to follow the guidelines with your dd she won't have her unsupervised. And mean it.
My mil told me quite categorically she would feed my dc meat against my wishes.

What the eye don't see the heart don't grieve over or some rubbish she quoted.
She never ever had my dc.
Ever.

Youknowmedontyou · 10/02/2019 12:02

I caught her one day shoving her finger loaded with Nutella chocolate spread into my ebf baby, and that was when I was in the room with her!

I just cannot understand the mentality that died this, I really can't!

Youknowmedontyou · 10/02/2019 12:04

My mil told me quite categorically she would feed my dc meat against my wishes.

Again WTF!! What's in these peoples heads?

SecretMillionaire · 10/02/2019 12:07

Follow your instincts on this. My mother refused to believe my son was hyperactive and we specifically said under no circumstances let him sleep while he is with you as he will be up until the early hours. He was only there for a few hours so we could take another child for an appointment and my older child told me that Nan had let him sleep and kept everyone else out of the room so he could sleep longer. As predicted he wouldn’t sleep until 1-2am and we were dead on our feet.

LLOE7 · 10/02/2019 12:09

I wouldn't be able to trust her if it were me, it sounds like she would do what you don't want her to do to prove that she is right Hmm

Drum2018 · 10/02/2019 12:11

It's a few hours, not a week. Leave bottles made up for her and let her get on with it. How many naps would your dd have in the duration you are expected to be gone? Surely you don't stay upstairs with her while she naps during the day. If your mum comes to your house it might be easier. Have the baby monitor set up in the kitchen for when baby naps. While I wouldn't hand baby over on a daily basis at this age (if you were heading back to work for instance) I think you are being unreasonable for the sake of a few hours for a one off break.

MrsMartinRohde · 10/02/2019 12:16

It's no break for you OP if you're stressed about what's going on while you're out. I'd leave the notion of her minding your child till your views on child rearing are more closely aligned.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 10/02/2019 12:19

I would wait until six months and tell her why. You won't enjoy the activity if you are worried about it and you are almost half way there anyway

JRMisOdious · 10/02/2019 12:26

You need to have a calm, straightforward chat. Tell your mum that whilst of course she’s entitled to her own opinions, you are the parents, your wishes are non-negotiable and she has to agree to abide by them. If she isn’t willing to do that, find alternative care or you won’t enjoy the time with your partner for worrying. I don’t have grandchildren yet but will completely abide by my daughter’s wishes (of course it helps that she’s a fully qualified nursery nurse and I’m not!). Haven’t really thought much about my role if my son has children. He’s only 16, still my baby 😁

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