to move my son far away?

[CarlosCarlos]

Posted in relationships but feel I'll get honest answers here too...

I’m in a relationship with a man who I am not happy with. He is an angry person with a short temper. He’s never hurt me but he is snappy and easily upset. I am treading on eggshells all the time. We’ve been together 3 years and don’t have much conversation. Being honest, we have nothing in common. He’s tight with money and isn’t particularly kind. Problem is, we had a baby 3 months ago. It wasn’t planned and I would never have a termination as much as I am pro choice. I moved to his home town so he could be near his child from a previous relationship. It just isn’t working for me anymore.

I am desperate to leave him but deep down don’t think I will. I want to move back to my home town where all my family is but that’s nearly 200 miles away. I’m scared I would feel too guilty and worry that my tiny son would end up not knowing his dad/spending extended time away from me.

I’m deeply unhappy.

I’m scared to be a single mum. I’m scared to leave him and end up living round the corner in his home town with no friends or family nearby.

I’m stuck. I’m sad. I feel trapped. This is the first time I’m admitting this (to myself also).

My son has a sister who adores him (DPs daughter from previous - she's 8). He's not a bad person. Is a good dad.

Please help advise me. I’m terrified that I’ve got myself in to this position and will never get myself out... not sure what to do.

I left my ex of 4 years when my son was 9 months old. Same reasons as you, plus he was cheating. All my family lived 500 miles away and I had hardly any friends.
I decided to stay in the town and be a single mum, I was 24 and it was difficult I'll admit. The exes family didn't want to help me because I kicked out their son.
So I still worked, I met mums on meet up groups, went on days out with my son. Some days I would cry from feeling lonely but I didn't give up.
It wasn't easy but now my son is 9 I'm glad I stayed as he sees his dad all the time and they are very close. His dad didn't like the fact I kicked him out, it took him almost 5 years to get over it and stop being a dick towards me.
I'm married now to a new man with two more kids and the single mum days seem so long ago. But I'm proud of myself and it has made me a better person.
It's not easy being a single mum with no family or help but I'm glad I did it. 😊 It took a few months to get over my ex when I left him and often had moments I felt guilty for leaving him because I thought I'd let my son down.
But he was so little he's never known any different so it's just normal to him. He's never asked why his mum and dad don't live together, I suppose these days it's quite common.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.

@Blackcherrylatte I miss my family so much. I wonder how my life would be and how much happier I would be had I not moved so far away for uni. It's all so difficult

If you go back to your family your child will still have a relationship with its dad. Plenty of children live far from their parents. Some parents work abroad or far away, it depends on what will make you happy.
If you're not coping alone then don't be miserable, if you're going to go back home then do it now while the baby has no idea what's going on. Don't let your partner guilt trip you either, like saying things such as, oh you can't take my child, because you are within your rights to move where you like and if like me ex, he tries the threaten to remove the child from you, most cases the best interests of the child is with the mother, unless you're a terrible unsafe mother which I doubt!
My ex tried with me doing this and he just got shut down eveytime, health visitor was on my side.
In my experience it was a learning curve and I'm definitely more independent as a result of it. I'm glad I didn't leave but we are all different with different needs.
If you'll feel happier with your family and will get the right support with a new baby then go. If your partner kicks off there's absolutely nothing he can do, if he's on the birth certificate and says he has rights that's true, but you're not denying him access you're just moving house by yourself.
My ex used to try this on me, saying I'm a father I have rights and blah blsh, and I would say, what's your point? I'm not denying you access, so I don't know what the point of saying that is.
It's hard enough with a new baby as it is without feeling isolated and being in a bad relationship.
It's all so new and a life change. You can't also stop yourself from going back to your family because of the big sister. Yes she will be upset for a bit but she's not your responsibility, it's up to her parents to keep up contact with her sibling.

I would move home in your circumstances.

Thanks @Blackcherrylatte - I'm really scared he's going to shout and scream. I'm going to talk to my dad about it tonight. I've not mentioned this to anyone else.

We own a house together and my job is where I live now so I will need to sort all of that out too but hopefully my employer will be able to accommodate me.

I feel sick to my stomach realising all of this.

You will definitely get over this. It doesn't seem like it now but honestly, you will. Almost ten years later for me and its something I don't care about anymore.
Well your partner will probably kick up a fuss then, but make sure you're safe. You're not obliged to tell him anything. You can hand in your notice at work and just leave him when that's up.
I'm not sure about house owning as I've just always rented.
If you feel this way just get out now, don't waste your life being unhappy if you can change it. It's scary confronting change but in life you have to be brave and bite the bullet and go for it. It's a challenge doing the process but it gets easier with time.
I know from experience. I'm glad I left my ex, I have a whole new happier life with new partner and kids. My son stays with his dad school holidays and they go abroad with his dad's wife and new kids.
Different life now. 😊
This is the first step, there's no point staying with someone if you don't like them and feel they won't change, the kids will just grow up remembering miserable parents who didn't like each other.

@Blackcherrylatte it's just the guilt. I haven't even hinted I want to leave but I feel guilty already!

Sometimes in life we just have to be brave and do what we have to do. Can you really carry on like this for the next X number of years? You'll be much happier living near your family, AND ds will have a closer relationship with his family. If you're scared of dp shouting and screaming, just go first and tell him afterwards.

Abuse conditions us to feel guilty about leaving.

It will only get worse if you stay. If you leave, life will get better, the guilt will fade within a few months and you'll have saved your child from a legacy of abuse.

Abusive men are not good dads. They damage their children for life.

You should have posted all this together in one thread so people could help you properly.

I would move under your circumstances

1. I wouldn't want my DD to think it's ok for a husband to treat his wife in the way he treats you, and this will be your DD's experience too as I'm sure she'll feel the same as she gets older
2. I'd want my DD near a good dad
3. I wouldn't want a baby living under those circumstances and I wouldn't want him seeing that as an ok way for a man to behave

I'd move back home, sooner rather than later too

Sorry @AnoukSpirit - I am just in a bit of a panic.

OP If you feel it's time to leave it probably is. Talking to your father should help you sort out your priorities. 💐

If you were my child and grandchild, I'd want you home ASAP to take care of you. Only then will you see things better and get some strength back

I'm so confused.

My feeling is that when you choose to have a baby with someone, you are tied to that person for the whole of your child's childhood, difficult though that often is. This man is your baby's father and don't feel that it's fair to your child or to him to move his son hundreds of miles away from him without giving him any say.

Also, if you do move, then you should be doing at least half of the journeys for access arrangements for your son to spend time with his dad. Do you want to be driving 400+ miles every other weekend for the next 15 years? Do you think it's fair to expect him to do that? Do you think that would be fair on your son?

I know it's hard, but the most important person now is your son, and he deserves to have as close a relationship with his father as possible. If I were you, I would focus on establishing your life there and building an amicable co-parenting relationship with your STBX. It will pay dividends for your child.

If the father cares that much, he can relocate nearer where the OP's family live, though. He won't, though, will he?

If a man genuinely loves his family and wants the relationship to flourish and be successful, he should be kind and gentle, generous in spirit, and work with her to make the family happy. It's no good being grumpy, angry, and tight. Sooner or later she will just give up trying.

@Singlenotsingle he's got a young daughter from a previous relationship so can't move away from her.

Look at my second paragraph then CarlosCarlos

Op, can you start talking to family about this? It's important to get support to help you to make a decision.With such a young baby you will no doubt be exhausted so would be good to talk through your thoughts with trusted family.

Moving could be the best thing for you however if your partner has PR then you cannot legally move without his agreement. There are many threads about this in divorce/separation board.

Do you go and stay with family for short periods of time?

Why do you feel guilty when he:

I’m in a relationship with a man who I am not happy with. He is an angry person with a short temper. He’s never hurt me but he is snappy and easily upset. I am treading on eggshells all the time. We’ve been together 3 years and don’t have much conversation. Being honest, we have nothing in common. He’s tight with money and isn’t particularly kind.

And he's not a good dad if his child's mother is scared of his reactions and he isn't kind.
Even from newborn, babies pick up on signals and learn how life is in an abusive relationship.
Good luck.

She doesn't need his permission to move anywhere in the UK. I've never heard of anyone legally needing permission to move house from a partner they separate from and is the main care giver. I think that's rubbish.
You could be in London and move to Manchester if you wanted, there's no law that says you need the dad's permission just because he's on the birth certificate.

If you're treading on egg shells all the time I would leave. It's no way to live.
Before your son is at school and it gets harder.
How long before your son is treading on eggshells or treating you the way his dad does?
And what if you don't tip toe round him?