To dislike my child right now ?!

[permanentlyoverwhlemed]

Hi, I've lurked on here for a long time but never posted and right now I feel like I don't really know where else to get advice. My son is 3 - nearly 4 - and I really struggle with him, he's 'strong willed' , never listens/does as he's told, everything is a battle, even getting him dressed takes forever as he just refuses and has a tantrum. He doesn't respond to any kind of reasoning, naughty step, even bribery !! I have found myself with less and less patience every day and I just end up snapping at him. My husband and I end up arguing because every day is so stressful and it's to the point where I dread the weekends because I know it will be two full days of stress and arguments. I'm starting to worry our marriage will suffer because of the stress of it. It's been like this for months and his naughty behaviour is constantly out weighing his good behaviour. We've tried reward charts, stickers, ignoring the bad and praising the good and I just don't know what else to do! I don't know if it's normal behaviour for a three year old or if we're doing something wrong and even though I love him with everything I have AIBU to really not like him to the point i feel like walking out ? He can be the sweetest most affectionate boy when he wants but when he's being horrible it's unbearable. Sorry if that's really long and rambling

It's difficult OP. Is he NT? Just strong willed? I think these kids really come into their own as they get older. They're confident and know their own mind, less swayed but peer pressure but definitely draining for parents.

I think sometimes we can get into the habit of expecting them to be difficult and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy to a certain extent? We end ungiving them cues or they pick up on conversations between parents where they're type cast as naught and difficult and they play up to it even more. Also some kids will always be less easy going than others - with all the perfect parenting in the world.

With my difficult one I think to a certain extent you have to accept that's his personality it's not bad parenting (my DD is the polar opposite couldn't be more laid back). I pick my battles and make sure I stick to it when it's a battle I've decided to fight, try to trust him as much as possible - give him as much choice as possible (e.g. he can choose his outfit from a selection) break things into small steps (let's get pants on now rather than come on now get dressed). Phrase everything in a positive way e.g. "please can we use our indoor voice" rather than "stop shouting we're inside". I remember hearing that you should have at least 4 positive interactions for every one criticism. This particularly helped DS.

that's really hard. Is he like it all the time? My DS was OK until he turned 5 then we had difficult moments with him - then he was back to normal for a bit then another blip - the longest being most of last year - but I feel like we are coming out of the other side now. Boys do get hormone surges and this can make them properly grumpy. Doesn't help when I have PMT I can tell you!!
But look at it - is there a pattern? Think allergies - is it after he has drunk milk/eaten bread etc etc? How does he sleep?
Reward charts didn't work for my child - well for a week but that's all. I do hug him when he spouting off though. I hug him really tightly to calm him.
Also I found that racing worked. (I bet I will beat you getting dressed etc - and that still works!!)
not sure if any of that will help you!! Good luck though. Take time out for you - get some peace occasionally.

Pick your battles. Does he understand what you expect. I found making sure ds knew what was happening in advance really helped. So give lots of warnings eg you’ll need to get dressed in 15 mins, 5 mins, now.

Do you follow through when you say something will happen as a consequence for behaviour?

Thanks for replies.

He's not like it ALL the time but a lot. On one hand I love that he's strong willed, the whole idea of him never being pressured into anything etc when he's older. I just find myself sat here now with him in bed torturing myself over how I've reacted to him and how I need more patience. I'm always being told how well behaved he is at nursery / with GPs etc and I know I should appreciate that he's good for other people but I can't help feeling cheated that he's not like that for me !!

He does like racing - so this might be something to pursue to help.

I try so hard with the positive phrases but more often than not I resort to shouting because he doesn't listen.

Thank you for replying though - at least I don't feel like I'm the only one who has to deal with stuff like this

Agree with Choude I have to explain to my child exactly what is expected of him & what is not allowed. I'm really specific and it's all the time, even for pretty basic things! & he's older than yours!

@ChoudeBruxelles I do follow through when I tell him consequences - most of the time he doesn't care. He asked me if he could go to the thinking spot last week, he's also replied 'I don't want them out anyway' when I've told him he has to put paints away if he continues trying to paint stuff he shouldn't be

Don't beat yourself up about not being positive all the time, it's bloody hard

I would suggest reading The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. DD (5yo) is very strong-willed and we have our challenges with her. This book has helped us see things from her point of view and meet her needs better. It’s easy to get into a vicious cycle with challenging behaviour, you do have my sympathy! But it’s worth exploring the whys behind the behaviour so you can help to improve the situation.

Breezy response to things like the paint. “Ok then help me put them away and we can go and do X”. Move on and do something else.

Feel your pain OP. Having something similar with my 21 month old who definitely acts up more on me than DH. Constant tantrums and stress getting him dressed, nappy changes, in and out of car seat.

I dread being with him sometimes too which makes me feel like a horrible person and that maybe he is picking up a vibe from me.

My 6 month old is as good as gold and so happy and smiley and I feel guilty then for enjoying her more.

No real advice other than you are not alone and it's shit

@FaithInfinity thank you I will look into it. He was such an easy baby, even the twos weren't that terrible but the threes - oh my word - I never thought the threes would be the worst - I'm hoping it gets easier at some point !!

Him: 'I don't want them out anyway'
You: (briskly and brightly) that's ok, then.

And then take them away. Ignore any entreaties.

I have a strong-willed one, so I feel your pain. I have found that gojng to immediate consequences has been much more effective than warning/counting to three/reasoning/explaining etc. It occasioned epic tantrums to begin with, but she is now clear I absolutely mean what I say, and will always follow through. Her behaviour has improved quite a lot.

@peanut2017 I wonder about the vibe thing as well - I always think it gets worse when I'm stressed but I can't help getting stressed about it. Husband and I were planning having another one and this week I've been questioning it a lot incase I can't deal with newborn on top of this. DS acts up most with me and I've been told it's because they're most comfortable with mums - doesn't make me feel any better though !!

We have similar issues with 7yo DS. I'm trying the hidden chimp. Children's version of the Chimp paradox by Prof Steve Peters. Very interesting theory and DS seems to get it (if he's right frame of mind).

Two books that have helped me with my massively defiant 4yo Dd are, 'how to talk so little kids will listen' and '123 magic'.

I have a feeling I will doing a big Amazon order soon - probably along with a big wine order. Thank you all for the recommendations and advice

Several people have said to me that it's a difficult age and they'll fall into line when they start school.

Why not try a parenting course, you will find lots of ideas, support and cameraderie.

The best sentence I have found for dealing with defiance when mine were younger was "When x, then y"

For example "When you have put your coat on, then we will to the park", "When you have put the toys away, then you can watch mr tumble".

It seemed to give them a bit of direction in their thinking.

Also, giving them small inconsequential choices "would you like to wear the blue t-Shirt or the red one?" Gives them a small bit of control, while you make the decisions that actually matter

My friends ds was like this. Very stubborn. Couldn’t rush him otherwise an almighty tantrum. Apparently his father was the same. He’s easier now and has been. Since about 8. He’s very set in his ways, likes routine etc. Maybe routine would help with your ds. Cues to know what to do when. Perhaps a chart on the wall and pictures. Eg breakfast then get dressed. Etc for the day. You point and say, what do we do now? And give him the clothes choice.

Second a parenting course. Don't see it as a negative. Also be honest with yourself and think is some of his behaviour reflecting yours? You are snapping so he might do (this isn't a criticism or to make you feel bad, I have been there and after a lot of self reflection realised I wasn't helping at all)

Picking your battles is a huge thing. Children will not ever do everything they are told, and there is always a reason behind their behaviour. That last sentence had q big bearing on me and I remind myself of it when they are challenging and think about the reason.

My DS was a very trying 3 year old. I really didn’t enjoy him much. He is a pretty wonderful 4 year old.

Hang in there and definitely read the How to Talk So Children Listen book

My ds2 is the same he is 4 and it is relentless and exhausting. Hoping it changes soon

I could have written this myself! My daughter is the same age. It's horrible. No advice to give but just to let you know you're not alone. We couldn't find any positives yesterday....today feels long already.

Three year olds are bastards. My DS (now 5) 3 yr old phase has made sure I never have any more kids because it left me drained, living on my nerves and feeling utterly inept. Ironically he takes after me with assertiveness and being stubborn! I think OP it’s harder when they’re your only one, and it absolutely changed when he turned 4, started nursery, then school etc - I think boys do mature later and its so true that he feels safe enough with you to do it if he behaves well elsewhere. Which is no bloody help this week when it feels like another set of battles await!

I agree with other posters on sometimes just letting some things go like the paints. A simple ‘Ok, tidy up time’ even though he might not help. I would have tried making him help me, insisting that one thing goes away before the next thing comes out etc but it was wasted. I remained firm on the important things if he was to defy me like holding hands crossing the road, not mucking about in his car seat or going near the fire and I did short, sharp immediate reprimands worked with full consequences.

Sending hugs OP. And YES.... its perfectly ok not to like your kid some days!!!!