To need some help

[cantcope11234]

Long story short I have in the last few months become a carer to
parents. Mother was my father's carer (he has early dementia) but now she is seriously ill (hospital for last few months). My father has moved in with us and I visit my mother as often as I can (at least every other day/hospital is 2 hours drive away). I have a part time job and two primary aged children. My father is not too bad at present and I have someone coming in for a 3 hours a day to help. I still have to do a lot of the caring though and he particularly needs me at night. I have also had to take over control of their affairs as my mum can't any more. I'm struggling to cope. I just don't have enough hours of the day, and no one to talk to.

Here is the AIBU. My brother lives 3 hours drive away. I get that he is too far to help daily but have suggested he comes up every other weekend to give me a break/see parents. He has refused. He 'needs family time' and 'to relax'. He has one young child and a partner. Am I asking too much?

Anyone??

i don't think yabu. it's a big strain on you. can you get some respite care?

Yanbu. Caring for someone is a massive strain. Even if you could split yourself in two, it would STILL be unbelievably hard. I've done it, I know how draining it is. I think you need to seriously consider other options, as your brother sounds very selfish. There is support out there, and it's not going to reflect badly on you if you ask for the help that you need.

TBH your dbro is so far away - probably 150 miles? - that it's really not practical, especially if he's got a young family of his own. I don't know what the answer is though. Can you get temporary respite care of any sort for DF?

YANBU he should help more. He's treating you as the default carer. You're the grown up whose job it is to sort everything out and he can help out if and when as a favour.

Do your parents have a house that could be sold to help pay for their care?

It is such a huge strain. I know because I did it for my dad. My children are older though so I can imagine how tough this is for you. Without trying to upset you, this is not going to get any better. My dad's dementia went into sudden decline every so often but every dementia journey is different so maybe your dad will be ok for a while. I too was on my own as I don't have siblings. You have a selfish brother so basically you are on your own. For now you have taken over your parent's affairs but you must make sure right now that you get Lasting Power of Attorney for medical and financial. You just don't know when you will need it. You will wear yourself out if you don't get any respite. Get in touch with your local Admiral Nurse for advice. (Mine was a godsend. If only I had found her sooner I would have saved myself months of stress.) Because my father owns his house I found little support from Social services. They fobbed me off and didn't do an assessment of needs. Have you had an assessment yet? Also you as a carer are entitled to your own assessment. Is your dad getting Attendance Allowance? If not you can apply on his behalf. I think it's Age UK that have volunteers who will come and talk to your dad or take him out. There is some support out there it is just you have to be in the right frame of mind to find it and in your current worn out position that is challenging. I hope this helps.