To worry about DC going on holiday with GP

[CoffeeDeprivation]

Just that, really. We get along well, they love the kids (6&4) but they have never looked after them on their own. Occasionally, they have done babysitting (once or twice a year) in my house. They have taken them to the park a handful of times on their own. They suggested this year that they could take them on a holiday in summer (a week) down to the beach. On the one hand, it sounds great, we rarely have time as a couple and never had a full day together without kids, so it would do us good. The kids love their GP and would love to go. But part of me is worried that GP have underestimated how tiring it is (they are healthy but have the occasional blip due to old age), that they won't be able to keep an eye on both and the youngest might run off into danger (you have to keep all eyes on this one), that after two days they will have more than enough and will resent offering or would just not have the energy to look after them, etc.

The kids have never slept anywhere else either, I don't think they will miss us but have very different bedtime conditions (ceiling light / dark room, music/silence, reading/straight into bed) and I am not sure how they will deal sleeping together in the same room.

I don't know, I'm worried that they will injure themselves or put themselves in danger, either because GP don't reach them on time or because tiredness takes its toll.
I also know that this might be a tricky issue for me because this fear happened in my family, when my GM could not reach my cousin when he run into the road. They had gone out for the day and neither were familiar with the surroundings. I was a toddler myself when it happened (so I didn't experience the trauma directly) but the story has followed me since. No one took anyone on holidays on my family. Days out when older and rarely.

So am I afraid because of my childhood story or is it reasonable to think these are not optimal conditions to take kids on a holiday?

Lol user

Nombrecambio yes, they have never slept without us. We went on holiday twice when they were babies, so one slept with us and one on the room next door, but it was so long ago they don't even remember. They have never slept in someone else's house.

I'll ask whether is actually booked. I think it would be best to book for fewer days or postpone, but since my kids haven't even had a sleepover yet, I'm not sure how to put my worries forward without sounding like a lunatic or an overbearing mum! Joining in is not an option due to work commitments, among other things, but it was clear from the start that this was a holiday for them to take the kids on their own.

You realise they've raised their own children? It's quite patronising to suggest they dint know what looking after children entails. Of course build up to it with overnight stays so they learn their routines, although routines tend to go by the wayside a bit on holiday anyway. This is about your anxiety.

We would go on holiday with GPs every summer for a week while DPs worked, I have wonderful memories of those trips and I'm still incredibly close to both and they have a lovely relationship with my DS as great grandparents even though both are now around ninety. I would still happily leave DS with them, my gran in particular.

Given the background
I am very surprised that a holiday has even been booked

A week is a long time. All the major injuries my DC ever sustained when younger, including broken wrists, sunburn and black eyes were whilst under grandparental care.

The other thing I remember (and have experienced now I have my own kids) is that grandparents tend to lose patience with exuberant behaviour much more quickly. Perhaps it’s just in my family but I have memories of being told off for something that would have been allowed at home and my dad/ILs now do the same. That was quite upsetting for me as a child and I know DS gets upset and confused by what looks like double standards.

You realise they've raised their own children?

Yeah, because doing something 30 years ago is totally the same thing as being able to do it today.

Incidentally, my parents and PILs have raised me and DH. They all think car seats are optional, that you can just rinse off a dirty milk bottle under the cold tap, and that a 6-year cousin is capable of looking after a newborn without adult supervision.

I did a week long holiday with my grandparents but I was 9 and an only child. I think a 4 year old in particular who is overexcited and hopped up on seaside donuts and ice cream will mean they'll ve regretting it by the morning of day 3.
That said I don't think they'd be unsafe so may be inclined to let them do it after a trial weekend.

@RoboticSealpup that wasn't even acceptable 30 years ago!

When I had my kids my dad said "it's all learning for us because everything has changed these days"... they didn't pretend the 70/80s was the gold standard parenting!

@PalindromicUser we have the total opposite. My parents were (reasonably) strict with us but will let anything slide with my kids. That was the same with my own grandparents. I thought the "is Mum says no, ask nan" was a common thing in families.

@nombrecambio I think it’s more to do with expectations of how well behaved a 5 year old is capable of being and how quickly they will calm down and stop if overexcited.

@nombrecambio actually, the last example is my DSis. And the 6-year old was her daughter. All to prove to me how chilled out she was / what a hysterical first-time mum I was. I don't trust anyone in my family to look after DD.

I hated the miserable holidays with grandparents when i was little. My DS's grandparents want to take him to a caravan for a few days next summer. I'm worried as frankly I think they're too relaxed and a bit doddery. I'm just going to say no.

I wouln't have my young children go on holiday with anyone except me and OH.

No I wouldn't say yes to this and I really like my inlaws. I wouldn't be able to relax all week so would be pointless! They just don't have the energy and quick reactions of a parent.

I would all go together either for a weekend or a week, and take advantage of the extra help and maybe have a few dinners out just you and DP.

My dad and stepmum have been keen to do something similar, and we had similar reservations re underestimating how tiring it can be.
Last month my husband and I went away for a bucket list trip for three nights and the children stayed with the grandparents at their house. First time ever without me being there too.

I am happy to report that they loved it. Both the children and the grandparents. The children are familiar with the house having slept there with me on a number of occasions (they don't live locally winwny visit is usually for 3-4 nights). The bond they have with them is now stronger than ever.

We were in touch with the grandparents the whole time we were away, both sharing photos and updates. We made the decision not to facetime them. The children were almost disappointed when we came back, they thought they'd have longer with them.

They're now talking about taking them to the beach or somewhere over the summer and we're happy for it to happen.

Yes, sleeping arrangements will be different. I'd advocate sleepovers there first, initially with you staying too, and slowing backing off and letting them take the lead over bedtimes etc. I also don't get involved if one of the GP is telling one of them off. They need to be able to establish those boundaries too.

I agree with pps who say you need to build up to this. My (lovely) MIL was exhausted after having the DCs for a weekend once let alone a week. Plus, both DCs ended up burnt in different ways - one with not enough sunscreen, and one who decided to touch the cooker when MIL wasn't looking. I don't blame MIL at all, and she did a great job raising DH (not so much with BIL but that's a different story ) it's just been a while since she's had children around, and she's older now. That's fine, and we accept these limitations. It's OK to be concerned, and it's OK to politely say no thank you.

It would be a no way for me. To go from an hour or two babysitting to full on week long holiday in an unfamiliar location would be a recipe for disaster tbh. The fact that they raised their own DC is irrelevant - you know how capable they are after seeing how they interact with your DC. If there is any doubt, don't do it, not even for 1 night. Your DC are still so very young.

Thanks. I'll speak to PIL and see whether this has been booked. I rather they wait longer. They have now planned sleepovers building up to that, but I still think it might prepare the kids to go away but not them to look after the DC.

They are mid-60s, for those who asked. No other GC to look after and no other contact with children. I think they just don't have memory of how hard it is and 40 years ago they had an energy that they really don't have now. In my opinion, they have waited until both were out of nappies and sleeping through the night, probably thinking that it would make looking after them easier, but there's so much more they are not considering...

I must add that the planned sleepovers are with one child or the other, and just for under 24h, which is why I'm not sure it would really give a trial run.

Did they want to do it because they feel the children would benefit from a holiday? If so, and they haven't booked it yet, is there any possibility you could go with them and then you all get a break without the worry for you or the stress for them?

My IL’s sound like yours. They are lovely GP’s and mean well, but are just not “on it” all the time. Safety would be a massive concern. There is no way FIL would consistently remember to do things like shut gates to swimming pools, particularly if he was talking to someone or distracted. They are just not up to speed with thinking ahead and anticipating safety needs. Not their fault, just the way it is.

I also found that GP’s got muddled with what kids can do at certain ages. I remember them babysitting overnight at our house (years ago now), and looking completely knackered and destroyed when we returned. They had been nostalgically rememberig the activities & things you do with 7-11 year olds, and were completely unprepared for nappies, factoring in naps and disturbed nights. They never offered again

Start with both kids for one night, then both kids for two nights. You might find the idea gets dropped! Definitely avoid any firm booking if at all possible.

I wouldn’t agree to a whole weeks holiday with gp that spend so little time with your dc. It is all too much too soon. If your dc were older, then it may be different. Your youngest is very young, and may struggle with a whole week without you with gps they hardly know. Even if the sleepovers are successful it won’t really solve the issues that the holiday will present.

It would be a no for me.

Agree that it would be a super idea when the gc are older. Not before.

The fact you are worrying so much so far in advance is very telling.

Thanks, we are going to meet and discuss it this weekend. We have suggested to reduce the days and now they are considering a 5-day/4-sleeps holiday but over Easter. I'll suggest sleepovers with both and for more than a day. Otherwise, maybe they can take eldest and we keep youngest.

It's not an option for us to join due to work commitments and costs. Even if they swapped for something cheaper, I wouldn't be able to go. My children's half terms and mine are not the same, I can't book holidays during teaching or contact weeks. At the moment the available dates for them fall on my working weeks. Plus the point of the holiday is that they want to spend time with the kids on their own, without us. Some bonding time I guess.

I wouldn't let them go. I think they're too young to be doing this without it already being something they are used to. If DGP had them regularly overnight then fine: to go from the odd day out to a week away will be a struggle. MIL and her DH (2nd DH) looked after his DGD (4) for a week as her parents had no childcare: MIL is an active 68 year old and her DH is a reasonably active 72 year old: he admitted it had been too much and they really struggled.

Building up to it is sensible. I think they're pretty brave. I'm their age and the thought of looking after two small children for a week fills me with horror. My parents used to have my son for weeks on end to cover childcare in school holidays and I have no idea how they did it. They were complete heroes.

My step children regularly go on holidays with their grandparents (my ILs). But they are only their late 50s and MIL has regularly cared for the children, including babysitting and having them overnight at their house for sleepovers since the children were very young. So we know that they are completely cabable of looking after them for a longer period and the kids are comfortable being with them as they see them often and know them quite well.