To want him to leave me the fuck alone!!!

[iser]

Ugh, I've been put in such a bad mood.

DP (exDP) and I have a toddler.
He's been putting a lot of strain on the relationship and me for a while with his insecurities, jealousy, paranoia and controlling behaviour. I bring it up and he says it'll change but it never does. He tries to make me feel like I'm not worth trusting, and that I'm doing stuff to not be trusted when I'm not in the wrong (eg getting a lift home with a colleague).

I told him on Monday that I wanted a break from the relationship. I was unbelievably unhappy and feeling controlled and like I was walking on eggshells and I won't feel like that for anyone.

Last night, I had to go to a medical appointment, and I walked back (in the wind). He tried to insinuate that he thought my hair was messy because I'd gone and just had sex with someone and he was in a shitty mood about that.
Today, I got undressed for the bath while he watched DS and left my clothes on the floor. I never usually wear a thong but did today as I was in a short coat and didn't want a VPL. I went out to buy nappies. He stormed in and started questioning where I'd chosen to wear a thong and how 'suspicious' that is that I did!

I told him to stop questioning stuff like that and how on earth does he think it's any of his business! He just got DS dressed and stormed out to go to the park.

I just want him to fuck off!!!!!!! I was a bit doubtful when I asked for a break from him but there's no doubt in my mind that I don't want to be with this 'man' now- I don't want to spend my life justifying what knickers I choose to wear and being accused of having sex with people when I go for an appointment and being told that he doesn't trust me when I've done fuck all wrong, walking on eggshells when he finds out I've had a lift home with a male colleague!!!!!!

I'm not being unreasonable am I? I just want him the fuck out now.

Sounds like narcissistic personality disorder (or some other sort of personality disorder). I'd google that for a start and make sure you are clued up :) Definitely not normal. Like others said keep him out of your house and just a thought, but I would also suggest blocking him on social media, dropping mutual friends and also changing any of your online passwords (and doing a 'sign out from all other devices' on fb ect) as these sorts...let's just say, don't tend to take rejection well. You are 100% doing the right thing in getting yourself and your kid space from this person. Good luck with it all! x

Now he’s out then keep him out. Change the locks and when he comes to pick up or drop off your child ensure this takes place on the doorstep. Don’t let him into your house and make it absolutely clear you are finished as a couple.

Just dump this abusive knob and get on with your life. Your son will be better off living with just one "normal" parent. You only have to read some of the threads on here to know growing up in a toxic household is no good for kids, and gives them all sorts of hang ups.

Even if you had just come back from a marathon shagging session with half the New Zealand Rugby Team, it's precisely fuck all to do with him anymore.

Change the locks, change all your passwords (including the wifi) and keep contact between you purely email based, as then you'll have evidence of his inevitable ranting and raving about all the men he insists you've been fucking throughout your relationship.

If he isn't prepared to change his living arrangements to make it safe for him to have contact with your DS outside your home, that's his loss - because if you continue to let him in, he'll continue to do this; it's a convenient way to keep being let in to check up on you, isn't it?

One of my exes was like that. If I brushed my hair, I was going to pick up a random for sex. If I went to the shop for milk, I had to have been giving somebody a quickie if I'd been delayed by a queue of two people ahead of me (that would have cost me a fortune, as it could only have been achieved by trashing the shop's display of white sliced) although that still would have been three times as long as the ex had ever lasted , if I spoke to any male, I had to be fucking them. Splitting up led to months of 'I know you've cheated, I know you've got somebody else, why don't you just admit it?' until I got a new phone I could block him on.

It's fucking incessant, isn't it?

Just get properly shot.

This is abuse.
Checking your underwear while you are in the bath!
Accusing you of having sex while out at the doctor!

I'm not going to list them all, there's too many in just that one post!

no one should treat the person they are meant to love like that

Absolutely get rid. There is zero hope for this guy.

He should be delighted you were wearing a thong if anything.

Complete weirdo, with issues. Bin.

he sounds awful and will only get much worse. Get rid now.

I have just split from a man who as like this. Apparently I was going to work early so I could shag various colleagues. He was awful and it's been terrible for me and the children but I see an end in sight. Please stick with your convictions and end it finally

I was in a relationship like this - you start to think it is normal, then you eventually realise that the normal reaction when someone comes home windswept is ' wow it's so windy isn't it - are you cold, shall I make you a cuppa ?' not 'you've been out having sex with someone else haven;t you ?'
And that normal partners don't poke through their DP's underwear looking for signs of infidelity.
You lose track of normality when you live round utterly unreasonable nutjob for a few years, and spend your whole time walking on eggshells
Get out now while you can still see he is crazy, controlling and making you miserable, it's no way to live.

Stop allowing him back into the house. You need to have other arrangements somehow for his contact with DS. He is trying to control you by intruding on your privacy while he is in the house with you.

iser, keep this man out of your house.

Years ago I lived with a boyfriend who would do this kind of thing. I’d get home from long shifts in nursing homes and get straight in the bath, with him accusing me of cheating because I was bathing after hours in a very smelly job.

The final straw was when I walked out of the flat because he was shouting and he dangled my cat by the throat out of a third storey window to force me to come back. I still have a scar on my head from what he did to me that night. It’s a permanent reminder to never allow anyone to control me again, but it could have been so much worse.

Change locks, do whatever it takes to keep him out. And be safe.

I agree with a pp, often if someone is this intent on accusing you or of flirting with someone else, it’s them that’s doing the shagging around

DS can't go with him to where he's living for safeguarding issues

I’d bin him for this reason alone.

@Yabbers to be fair, the safeguarding issues aren't his fault at all, it's to do with his family, not him.

I seriously think you are dating my ex

He was exactly like this and it didn't take long to escalate. I'm pretty sure I still have a thread on here somewhere about when he completely lost his shit. Apparently I was shagging 3 men at once and possibly a woman every week behind his back.

This is a huge red flag that you are seeing a controlling twat. Get rid OP and don't fall for the pathetic apologies.

Get rid and stay got rid, he won't change. He might tone it down for a bit to stop you ending it but he will eventually revert to type.

DS can't go with him to where he's living for safeguarding issues
That's his problem to solve then. If he wants a relationship with his son he needs to find a way to spend time with him. Do not let him use it as an excuse to use your home for visits.

If you are split up and he has moved out he is going to have to get used to the idea you can shag who ever you like.

I don’t think he understands what you do is nothing to do with him anymore.

One day he is going to come to collect Ds and another man will be living in the house.

However I do think when you said you wanted a break it was very misleading as it left the door open that he was going to move back in again in a few days, weeks etc.

I think you do need to make it quite clear to him that it is over.

Oh for fuck sake op. Have you broken it off yet?

I'm assuming the lease or mortgage is in your sole name. Change the locks and do not allow him in. If he is on the lease or mortgage, call CAB or see a solicitor.

If he's now living with his parents and their home is not suitable, then he needs to get his shit together and get a place that IS suitable for his son. After all, a child can be taken to a clean bed-sit if that's what the parent can afford.

If, for whatever reason, you feel it is in your DS's best interest for his dad to see him in your home, then you need to set a schedule with start and end times AND have a third party there when he visits. The only way to control a controlling person is to control the circumstances under which you see them.

You're doing the right thing. I coped with this (and more) for over twenty years. It only gets worse. However, as others have said, change locks etc. You're not safe whilst he still has access to the house.
Good luck, and be strong.

the safeguarding issues aren't his fault at all, it's to do with his family, not him.

That wouldn’t make a difference to me. It involves his family home. That would be enough for me.

He is weird, paranoid and controlling. You'll be miles better off without him OP.

It is something to do with him though, it's his family. They aren't safe around your child and it sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
Get an email address just for his contact and don't respond to anything other than contact arrangements.
If he goes away from this, tell him you'll only respond about contact/dc welfare.

You realise how bad things have got when you're practising your defense for being later than you 'know' you're allowed to be.

I thank my lucky stars that I got free and have been with my partner now for donkeys years and he's normal!

Proper grown up, understanding, reasonable, secure, trusting, caring, loving NORMAL!