To think MiL is in the wrong here?

[TwoM]

DH has just been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. His mother was not keen on contributing to the assessment but eventually she did (made many excuses to delay it). She's made it really clear that he doesn't have autism and that she would know if he had that. I explained to her that there are different types of autism which manifest very differently, and Asperger is high functioning, therefore diagnosis is very difficult. It's been really tough for our marital relationship and life in general, and the last thing I or DH needs is someone close to him denying his diagnosed condition. She is one of those people who thinks she knows it all, dead stubborn and was even in denial when our DS had food allergies. I feel like having a harsh word with MiL because it's affecting DH badly and this is the last thing we need noe. Is she in the wrong or should I give her more time? She's known about him potentially having Aspergers for 3 months now, and I have been thinking about it to myself for about a year.

I suppose it depends what she’s doing. It must be a bit fitting to realise that you missed something so significant about your child for so long so maybe she needs a bit of slack cutting. But it all depends on what she is actually doing.

Why does it matter what she thinks? He's got the diagnosis and if she doesn't believe it, why do you care? Why does he care?

Stubbornness is an autistic trait - she may be on the spectrum herself, OP!

Yes she's out of order, but Im not sure you having words would help. The thing that struck me most when reading was to wonder if she is also on the spectrum and this rigidity is her way of coping?

Cross Post with babdoc

She needs more time - its a shock - its also not impossible she also has autism herself. Its much harder to spot in females and it runs in families. My Dad has ASD, my son has ASD - just found out my daughter who had no obvious signs until puberty has ASD...and we now think I have ASD. I started to think 2 years ago I had ASD after researching it for my son - its taken me 2 years to accept it. If anything I would be expecting your DH to understand she comes from a generation who does not understand ASD. At the end of the day - a diagnosis of ASD is used to help the person and those close to them to understand how to communicate with them better. It makes no difference whether a label is put of them or not - all she needs to understand is what you DH needs to be happy - she does not have to accept the ASD label.
And also you have to realise - she is probably worried she gave it to him or did something that created it - 3 months is nothing to get your mind around bringing up a child 24hrs a day and not realising something was wrong.

“Why does he care?”

Because she’s his mum?

When I pointed out to my mother that we were both probably on the spectrum as all three of my sons have autism and we shared similar traits, she screamed at me they were tainted by my father's side (middle of M n S), last straw in a long life of crap from her I'm afraid, told her to eff off and cut contact with her x

Does it totally matter if she ever agrees?

I told my DM I thought I was autistic as a preview to getting her to go to assessment with me. She said 'Oh no don't be ridiculous. Your Dad was but you aren't' and that was it. She'll never move on it. We still get on, we still love each other, we just don't touch on that anymore.

Oops, obvs meant to put never agrees.

Oh for an edit function.

Does it matter? Is MIL much in your lives and if she is the perhaps u can manage that for now

I'm really pleased to hear these different perspectives, thanks

It's important for her to accept (Or at least accept he is different) because she communicates with him and treats him like a NT child, and then gets mad at him when he doesn't do what she expects a NT adult child to do. Example, she will hint at something expecting him to understand that and do something, and he wouldn't even had read.

It did occur to me that she appears to have traits of AS but there's no way I would ever verbalize that. But that would explain alot of things, including this denial. The problem is she genuinely believes she is super intelligent, smart, an all rounder, super strong and the most caring and understanding person. I may be biased as I am a daughter in law, but she has cheesed off quite a few people for me to gauge that isn't quite the case.

@AnnaMagnani that must be tough. Did you get the diagnosis then? Do you feel she already adapts to your different way of thinking, or have you adjusted To suit her?

Child? Are you talking about your son or your husband?

Why does he care?

Seriously? You don't understand why someone would care what their own parent thinks of them?

It's quite possible that she believes him getting a diagnosis would be some kind of "slight" on her - I have friends here who have mothers/ partners/ MILs who try to deny there's "anything wrong" with their child, because they see it as a personal slight on them - such an old-fashioned and unhelpful attitude!

A bit like people who still think having a mental health problem is something to be hidden, a dirty secret, and "for god's sake why would anyone go to counselling, you're not mad, you don't need that!" (speciality of my own mother and brother)

So she might refuse point blank to accept there is anything "wrong" with her child because of this attitude, or just because she can't bear to be wrong, or because (like you suggested) she may be on the spectrum herself (although that seems less likely).

She IS in the wrong to persist though, whatever her reasoning, because it's highly unhelpful to your DH to have his actual needs ignored and refuted like that.

My DH has also been diagnosed with Aspergers and it has been really tough over the years.
I have suspected for about 5-6 years and he was diagnosed last year (Overseas)
MIL has passed away but I imagine she would have reacted int he exact same way as your MIL.
She was incredibly proud and spent huge amounts of effort in maintaining a perfect family scenario. She would definitely not have entertained the idea that her perfect DS was anything other than perfect. When DD2 (who we also think may be on the spectrum but manages a lot better socially than DH can) was 3, she was barely speaking and was referred for Speech Therapy, MIL said it was ''ridiculous".

If it’s high functioning she probably doesn’t see the signs the same as you do. You live with him so obviously see his behaviour 24/7. Also older people often don’t buy into Asperger/Autism as being a real condition. You can’t make her understand or accept it unfortunately. Maybe buy her a book about Aspergers as if it’s there in black and white, she might be able to match up the behaviours?

You have to put yourself in her place. Having given life to your husband and spent the best years of her life raising him she must feel stunned by this news, and upset, even if she is too proud to admit it.
Maybe there are feelings of guilt, and maybe she is in denial. Maybe she doesn’t believe it full stop and sees this all as mumbo jumbo.
You can’t force her to accept it, but you can educate her quietly. Leave information with her, reassure her this is not a reflection on her parenting/ his childhood and that your dh will last a perfectly happy life as he is. Some understanding of her position will head off a potential fall out.

If you feel she damages your husband, then distancing would be better, and diluting her company when you do see her.
You can manage this kindly and compassionately if you want a good outcome for everyone.

@Springwalk thank you. That's wise advice.

@Livelovebehappy I don't think she will read a book and I also don't want to come across pushy. Maybe a leaflet might be a start.

In the end I haven't gone for diagnosis, mainly as I'd have to do it privately and there always seems something better to spend the money on.

My relationship with my DM is loving but complex - we get on really well but I know when to zone out!

2 things I'd say from your post - she treats him like a NT child. I think he'd find this incredibly irritating even if he was a NT adult. Perhaps it's not the Asberger's alone that's the issue in their relationship? (It isn't with me and my DM)

Secondly, as other's have said parents can find the diagnosis of a genetic condition some sort of slight on themselves, a feeling they have gone wrong. My DH has early onset glaucoma due to malformation of his optic discs. He had to tell everyone else in the family in case they were at risk - luckily only he has been affected. But when he told his DM she was really upset 'Another thing I'm to blame for, what did I do wrong?' It hadn't occurred to either of us she might feel this way, as far as we were concerned she had nothing to do with his optic discs it's just a random act of fate. But she took it very personally.

So again, can happen with anything, not just something that could be seen as stigmatizing.

There is a school of thought that some people share, that ‘everyone has to have something wrong with them these days’. Your mil might be one of those.
My ds2 has (really) HF autism (diagnosed) and it’s most likely a genetic pass down from dh who almost certainly has it too. Mil isn’t interested in the diagnosis really except to pull a bit of an eye-rolly face if I bring it up (rare).
My mil is a lovely person...extremely intelligent and has many admirable traits, so I have to overlook her dismissive attitude (which her equally lovely dh shares) and accept I will be recognising the condition and doing my best to work with it, on my own.

My advice to you...give up trying to change your mil’s mindset. She didn’t grow up with this stuff and she doesn’t understand it. If she’s otherwise supportive be glad of her and let this one drop.

Who did you get the Asperger syndrome diagnosis off? It’s no longer listed in the DSM-5 so it would concern me that that’s the diagnosis he’s been given?

Yes as I understand it, they no longer diagnose ‘Aspergers’ as such...they call it ASD or ADC (autistic spectrum disorder or condition) and refer to the less severe on the spectrum as ‘high functioning’. Our practitioner said she almost wished they did still use the term Aspergers, as it is a definite fit for my son. But they don’t...and haven’t for a few years now.
That said, if ds2’s autism comes up I do use the term Aspergers, simply because most people nowadays know what it means.

Another thing about autism - it's relatively recent that it's been acknowledged widely as genetic. For most of your MIL's life, the main message spread was it was due to problems in mothering - I remember endless documentaries about poor autistic children and their refridgerator mothers and the children having hugging therapy with their mums.

So she prob has some v mixed-up beliefs about autism that may be v painful for her as a mother - how did she miss it? was it her fault for being a bad mother? was it in her genes?

Bit of a mess for her really. I'd concentrate on how you and DH manage your relationship with her and get treated as adults - which is pretty much a standard Mumsnet question! - and leave the autism out of it.