Mom and Daughter

[CrazyLady82]

This is more of a vent.

We are in the USA.

Today my DD did not have school. I work at the schools in the same town as an aid. I work from home doing customer service part time when not working for the school.

My mother called last night asking if I could come over and let her dog out to go to the bathroom. I explained that I would be working. She asked if my DD would come over since she would be home as well.

I confirmed with DD that she was fine going over around noon to let the dog out to go to the bathroom. No more was said about it.

Today at noon my daughter asked if she could go to her boyfriends home for a few hours. I had no problem with this. DD took the car over. As she pulled up to the boyfriends house (two blocks from my mothers home and 6 blocks from our home.) she calls to tell me we forgot about letting the dog out. I told her to come home and get the key to my mothers house.(we don't keep the key on the regular keychain as we don't use it very often). Then she could just take the key with her to boyfriends house.

She said okay. Let me call Grandma and let her know I will be late. I wait and she never comes home to get the key. I call DD. She tells me Grandma decided to just come home on her lunch.

I call to talk with my mom to say Sorry we forgot and thanks for understanding.

My mom tells me how she should have known that we wouldn't take the dog out and they are just never going to ask us to do anything again.

She also told me not to ask for any help since we can't ever help her.

AIBU to feel hurt/upset about this? Is it unreasonable of my mother to tell me she won't help me anymore because DD didn't go let the dog out today?

For clarification my mother works 5 blocks from her home and gets an hour lunch everyday. She drives to and from work due to medical reasons not allowing her to walk when it is really cold.

I personally did not agree to let the dog out. I was supposed to be working. I didn't end up working because of tech issues with my job. So my mother thought that if my dd wouldn't go do it I should just do it. Again I personally didn't agree to let the dog out. I told my dd to come home and get the key to let the dog out, and even sat here waiting for her. I called to follow up why she didn't come get the key. Then called my mother to find out what was going on.

Never once did my mother call me herself and say hey granddaughter said she would't take the dog out can you do it. She just assumed that I wouldn't do it. DD had told her I didn't end up working.

If my mother had called and said DD told her she wouldn't go let the dog out. I would have gone and done it, then taken up why dd didn't do it with her. But again I was never asked to let the dog out today after dd called and told her grandmother she wouldn't do it.

Any advice on how to handle this? I don't want to have a big fall out with my mother. I did aplogize on the phone to my mother after it all happened. I just want to know what to do going forward. I have a habit of overreacting to little things and blowing them way up. I don't want to do that. So any advice would be helpful on how to handle this, my mother, and my daughter.

Sorry meant to add DD is 16

Your daughter needs to apologise sincerely. Your daughter needs to understand what commitment means.
Poor dog could have been left bursting and uncomfortable so I’m not surprised your mother is cross.

sounds like your dm was frustrated that it was later in the day than she expected your dd to let the dog out, so thought since the dog hadn't been out yet, she may as well do it herself.
There was no need for your dd to call her dgm, she should have just driven home and got the key, then no harm done, except the dog waiting a bit longer to get out , its not really that big a deal in the grand scheme of thing's, i can see both points of view, im sure it'll blow over without having a big falling out, I guess there must have been a reason that your dm needed someone to let the dog out today, if she usually does it herself?
Remind your dd that if she offers to help someone to remember to actually do what she has agreed to.
Remind your dm you did not agree to let the dog out, her issue is with your dd, and that she didn't have to come home, as your dd was going to still do it (though only reason for her phoning dgm was to try and get out of it)

Thank you CherryPavlova. I agree DD should apologize to her grandmother.

Sorry forgot to say about the dog going out. My mother and father have trained the dog to use dog pads in the night and if it really needs to go before she gets home during the day. My mother and father often leave the dog on weekends form 6 to 8 hours or a little more to visit family out of town. So the dog has gone many hours with out let out at least once a week. So the dog would have had a way to go to the bathroom without making a mess.

That being said about the dog I do know that it does not mean that if someone is available they should let the dog out. I was just giving that info as not to drip feed too much.

Chick - yes my mother does usually let the dog out. It wasn't the issue of it being later in the day. My mother usually goes to lunch at 1 pm and dd called about the dog at 1215. So it would have been a comparable time.

You did hit the nail on the head i think when you said DD was just didn't want to come home and get the key to let the dog out.

I think your DD owes your mother a big apology. That was very self centred of her. She didn't give the poor dog any thought at all and so she let your mother down badly.

She has shown herself to be unreliable.

I think you need to direct your frustration at your daughter not your mum. Your DD let you both down.

I think it's is unfair of your mother to put caring for the dog on you and your daughter. If she can't care for the dog the she should see about getting someone professional in to look after it or she should see about rehoming. At the end of the day you were doing her a favour so she has absolutely no right to be angry at you or your daughter

And your daughter deserves a social life!

I Don't blame your mum. It was a really small and simple requests. You said no, daughter agreed. Daughter decided to see boyfriend instead, and even though you could have, you didn't. So I'd be with her. You can't do a small simple task for her, then please do t ask me to do anything for you.

I think it's massively unfair to be blaming your daughter

I don't understand why you didn't pop round and let the dog out when you realised your daughter forgot the key. As you said it's only a few blocks away.
I think your being mean refusing such a small favour. By the sounds of it she rarely asks you.

Maddiii56 - I never said my daughter can't have a social life. I what I said was DD was at boyfriends house when she was supposed to let the dog out. It would have taken her 10 minutes to come get the key and go let the dog out. The little dog is fast at going out to the bathroom considering it it 4 degrees F here right not he doesn't like to stay out.

She could have come home got the key, let the do out and go back to her boyfriends house. She could have brought the key home later when she came home in the evening.

SD1978 - My daughter is 16. She is old enough that if she commits to something. I should not have to come behind her and complete it because she decides she doesn't want to do it. You are right it was a simple task; but it was not my task to complete as I did not agree to do. I should not be held responsible for something my daughter did or didn't do.

I think it's is unfair of your mother to put caring for the dog on you and your daughter

So nobody should ever have pets if they need to ask a neighbour/friend/relative to do them a favour and feed/water their pet?

Do you never ask a favour? Never ask a neighbour to take a parcel in?

If she were expecting it every day i’d agree, but it sounds like a one off. And letting a dog out once is hardly preventing a social life!

O/p i think your dd needs to understand if you agree to something, especially when another human or animal is relying on you, you follow it through.

As an aside, the terminology of a dog “going to the bathroom” . Conjures up images of the dog having a wash and using the loo indoors. Or an outside loo!

Cushioncuddle - i didn't go out to do it for two reasons. One my daughter agreed to do it and I did not. She could have come home quickly to get the key and go back. Two it is 4 Degrees F with a wind chill of -20 Degree F. We have warnings out of frostbite when outside. DD had the car and I am not walking and risking the cold to do a task I did not agree too.

I genuinely don't, I ask favours but never concerning an animal @reallyanotherone

I have a dog, when i go on holiday my mum has her.

Are you saying because I don’t use paid kennels or dog sitter i am putting “caring responsibilities” on to my mum and I should rehome my dog?

The daughter could have said no if she didn’t want to, or it massively impacted her social life popping in to let a dog out. She said yes though, and agreed to a commitment.

The dog goes to the bathroom!?

I think it's is unfair of your mother to put caring for the dog on you and your daughter. If she can't care for the dog the she should see about getting someone professional in to look after it or she should see about rehoming.

How very millennial.

@Maddiii56 actually I disagree. This should be a great lesson for the 16 year old about helping others and sticking to commitments. She's nearly an adult and those are life skills she'll need to succeed in life. If she wanted to see her boyfriend she should have thought about that I'm advance before agreeing to let out the dog. And you can have a social life and be a kind person helping others out as a teen. I volunteered all morning Saturdays and some weekday evenings at church & youth/childrens clubs as a teen but still had time for my friends. It's called balance and this is a perfect time for her to learn it.

OP I agree with other posters that your daughter needs to apologise and you need to sit her down and explain to her what commitment means.

She also told me not to ask for any help since we can't ever help her.

What help does she give you that you would be losing? She didn’t ask for much just Someone to do her a quick favour