Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely zero sympathy for DS

52 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/02/2019 20:46

DS1 was in a relationship for four years at uni, which ended pretty badly and basically broke his heart. For a year or so afterwards he was very down and put himself about a bit.

Anyway, he struck up a friendship with a nice girl at work (who was quite similar to his ex in looks and personality) and seemed quite keen for a while. Nice girl likewise developed a big crush on DS. DS then decided he only wanted to be friends and, to rub salt into the wound, asked her for her very pretty friend’s details.

DS dated very pretty girl for a while, nice girl was understandably cheesed off and wanted nothing to do with either of them. DS then decided very pretty girl was a bit boring and wheedled his way back into nice girl’s friendship, though still wanted nothing more.

Fast forward a year DS now has a new job, in a new city, still regularly chats to nice girl on the phone. Is currently dating someone in new city. Today nice girl tells him she has got engaged to an old flame. DS rings me up absolutely devastated. Thinks she might have been the one, is kicking himself for not making a move.

He’s a total idiot isn’t he? I have absolutely no sympathy. He only wants the poor girl because she has found someone else. How on earth have I managed to raise such a fuckwit?

OP posts:
LanaorAna2 · 08/02/2019 21:44

Lucky escape for her. Ditherers are bad news.

Hope DS feels better, it's never a pleasant rite of passage.

FiveRedBricks · 08/02/2019 21:52

How on earth have I managed to raise such a fuckwit?

😂

I've been that girl OP. I hope she is genuinely happy now and her old flame isn't a fuckwit either 😊

Your son wanted to play the field rather than be a fuckwit I think though. She was probably always in the back of his mind as the one he'd bring home for you to meet.

Lesson learnt as you say!

yolofish · 08/02/2019 21:56

I'm not sure that 'no sympathy' is the best way to go, and it sounds actually quite unkind. Yes, he has been a fuckwit, and I hope nice girl will be very happy in the future with her bloke, but I think a bit of sympathy and a kind of 'dont treat women badly, like you did this one, in the future' might be more constructive.

TheyGotMyName · 08/02/2019 22:08

* takes a little bow * it's incredibly sexist I know but still funny I only ever use it to lighten never with malice

BeverlyHillsCop · 08/02/2019 22:08

He doesn’t want her because if he did he would have made a move by now, it’s the thought of perhaps wanting something as a fallback he now knows he can’t have.

As long as he doesn’t try to wreck her relationship I’m sure he’ll move on.

I like your honesty 👌🏽

LondonHuffyPuffy · 08/02/2019 22:11

Heh. Love your approach and attitude, @Tinkly

I have just had my lovely stepson and his cousin staying for a month. They are nice lads. They are from a very different culture which has historically been pretty sexist.

They each have serious GFs although they are only 19 and 17 respectively. Both girls have their heads screwed on and seem to be a really good influence.

DSS went out with DH for a Father/ Son bonding session the other night. Not only did DSS drink his Dad and his mate under the table (DH’s friend was passed out by 9pm 😳) he also gave his Dad some firm advice about how to treat women 😂

I am so proud of DSS and he knows he is getting a boot up the butt from me if he treats this girl badly. We had long talks about respect etc (DSS’s Mum is not in the picture so I am not stepping out of line here)

Anyhoo. OP you are not wrong. Your DS needs to learn and grow from this experience. I wish him and you well. And or for you.

DemiLawrence · 08/02/2019 22:20

Hopefully this teaches him to hang onto the next girl instead of messing with her head! No yanbu

Santaclarita · 08/02/2019 22:31

You know that girl could be messing with him too. Reading back over it, it's been 2 years since he got dumped, then rejected her, got with her friend and became friends with her again? And only in the last year has she got back with an ex and got engaged? Seems a bit coincidental although not implausible.

She may still have feelings, maybe not. But seems odd if not to continue talking to a guy you once liked a lot who ditched you for your friend.

Either way, best they don't bother with a relationship. He isn't interested really, even if she is.

Yabbers · 08/02/2019 22:35

Similar thing happened to me, although I wasn’t as crass to ask for his friends number. I had a friend who became a flat mate and I discovered he had the hugest crush on me. I didn’t think I was interested until a couple of years later when he started dating someone.

I was insanely jealous and acted like a complete idiot. I lost a really good friend through it. I really was heartbroken though so, go easy on him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/02/2019 22:41

Well, as you say - you raised him.

He was ruthless with the girl, your reaction to him now is ruthless and unempathetic too so it’s possible he got the tendency from somewhere?

Maybe talk it through with him without being attacking?

ilovesooty · 08/02/2019 22:45

Hopefully he'll learn from it.

Weezol · 08/02/2019 22:47

Maybe send him something in the post to show you care.

ohsquirrel.co.uk/products/dont-be-a-dick-glitter-card

zebakrheum · 08/02/2019 22:51

You know that girl could be messing with him too
No - she's not the original one he went out with for years, and who dumped him.
She's the nice one who came along afterwards. He's dumped her - twice.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/02/2019 23:05

Bringback I think that’s actually quite insightful about him not wanting to get hurt again. His uni relationship really messed him up.

And no, he hasn’t dumped the nice girl twice: he was never actually with her, just dangled her along.

His sisters gave him massive grief for dating the pretty friend. He brought her home actually; she was okay but I wasn’t that keen.

Quite surprised at all the comments about me being tough and ruthless; surely no mum ever would say in this situation, “There there my little prince, what a horrid nasty girl to hurt you feelings so.”

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 08/02/2019 23:10

No - she's not the original one he went out with for years, and who dumped him.
She's the nice one who came along afterwards. He's dumped her - twice.

I know. I'm meaning she could be lying about the engagement. To see if he will react and declare his love.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 08/02/2019 23:14

Love makes fools of us all

pineapplebryanbrown · 08/02/2019 23:16

Just desserts i say through a mouthful of cake.

I have done it myself mind when I threw over Jim the rich farmer for my xh who had sexy blonde hair and absolutely nothing going for him.

Jim, come back, I'll be good this time.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/02/2019 23:30

No the engagement is real; photos of the party on insta apparently. DS quite miffed not to be invited (was in a city 200 miles away though) and a bit worried that nice girl won’t want to chat on the phone to him any more, or that her boyfriend wil be unhappy with her chatting on the phone or indeed whether, morally he should be potentially stirring things up by chatting on the phone.

I think he does genuinely value her friendship.

OP posts:
LouiseCollins28 · 08/02/2019 23:44

What an absolutely horrible thread! I hope you have told your DS that you are laughing it up on MN with yer mates at his expense, or that he finds out somehow, he deserves better IMO.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/02/2019 00:03

Fortunately my DS is not a snowflake. He is well able to take a bit of criticism on the chin. And I haven’t said anything here I’ve not said to him on the phone. He’d just roll his eyes if he knew I was mumsnetting about him.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 09/02/2019 00:19

When I said talk things through without being attacking, that doesn’t equate to “there there diddums”.

I just think it’s interesting that your general reaction to it, calling him a fuckwit on here etc, may reflect an emotional style within your family culture.

SandyY2K · 09/02/2019 00:33

You snooze, you lose.

He'll learn..... that's life.

ReaganSomerset · 09/02/2019 00:35

My DF is like this. Never come to him wanting consolation or comfort.
'I've made a mistake and am upset about it.'
'Well, tough luck. Shouldn't have done it in the first place!'
'Gee, thanks for that - I hadn't already worked that out on my own! I'll just hop into my time machine, shall I?'

I have some sympathy for the lad.

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/02/2019 01:36

Hmm, okay I admit I can be a tad hard faced. But I think I’m kind; I go over and above for my kids and they definitely know I have their backs. When DS broke up with uni girlfriend I was definitely sympathetic, lots of hugs, nice food, acknowledging his distress etc.

But yes our family emotional style is mainly pretty robust, chin up, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. (Bit of slack given to DD2 who is a more sensitive flower).

I’m really interested to know how others would have played it.

But off to bed now.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 09/02/2019 01:41

You did well, Tinkly.