To just want sex

[Blackcelebration73]

NC’d for this. I live in a sexless relationship and it’s destroying me. We have been for counselling but it’s made no difference. I am 45 and have been with DP for 17 years- 2 kids 7&11. I am only here I think because my parents got divorced when me & my sibling were a similar age & it was awful. I feel selfish if I put my needs before them.
But there is no intimacy, no sex, no fun, no joy. It’s making me feel repressed and unattractive. I feel stuck in a dead relationship but I feel selfish for wanting to be loved and desired when my kids have a happy life.
Aibu- what do I do? I can’t live like this for much longer

You only get one life, you need to live your life you and not just for your children and one day they will have flown the nest and your then on your own in a relationship your not happy with.

So many errors

@haud what do you mean?

but I feel selfish for wanting to be loved and desired when my kids have a happy life

A separation/divorce doesn’t automatically equal unhappy kids.

You’ve only got one life, is this how you want it to be?

@jacques no it’s not - I think I am just scared to upset the apple cart but on the flip side, I am miserable

It’s an awful way to live. Sex is the least of it, it’s the lack of intimacy I couldn’t bear.

Jacques is right. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness for that of your children’s. Your children are happy because you make it so. You don’t have to be married to do that.

I think my children are happy. Both XH and I agreed to keep them away from our problems and I think it worked for the most part.

I know I am certainly happy, and I have met someone who I adore.

I’m sorry OP, you are not selfish for wanting intimacy - it’s human. You are a mother first but you are still a woman with her own needs and desires.
As you’ve tried relationship counselling and are still unhappy I don’t know where else you can go except to leave, or to stick it out. Your kids deserve stability of course but they wouldn’t want their mum suffering for it

It’s not an easy situation that’s for sure. It just chips away at you day after day, week after week etc etc.

Children grow up and drift away from you. It happens. They have their own lives to lead and by the time you are old you are lucky if you get a visit for 20 minutes once a week. I haven’t seen my adult son for 3 weeks and he only lives 2 miles away!

However, breaking up isn’t easy, can be very damaging financially and is no guarantee that you will be happy in the future. For every success story there is someone online dating who is having nightmare after nightmare with men who are often likes kids in a sweetshop and messaging women 10 years plus younger.

I have been there and it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

You could be discreet and find passion elsewhere. There are lots of places to do this. Perhaps your husband would want the same ?

If it is love and lifelong connection you want them you have no choice but to take steps to bring things to an end. Your relationship won’t get any better after this long.

I just find my pleasure from other things now. Travel, study and my dogs.

If something comes along then great but I’m not holding out too much hope now.

It’s not just sex though is it? It’s feeling loved and desired. Constant rejection will wear down your self esteem and affect your mood. It’s not selfish to value your mental well-being.

Why didn't counselling help. DH and I were in this situation for three years and counselling changed everything. I had got to the point where I was having to consider leaving, which I really didn't want to do.

The most miserable kids I've ever met were kids of miserable parents, living a loveless marriage for the sake of those kids

@kedgeree I found relate formulaic and it didn’t really get to the heart of it. Although in a way it did for me as I knew I didn’t want to continue in the relationship - but I feel trapped and stuck. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe some days

I think Haud meant that he/she had made a lot of typos in their previous post.

OP, how is your relationship otherwise? Dies your partner show you affection in other ways, tell you he lives you? Do you love him?

I see. We didn't use Relate, we used an independent psycho sexual therapist. It was difficult and challenging and at times felt too demanding emotionally, but it shifted something and we have got back what we had lost (married 25 years, together 30 years, empty nest).

Like you, I thought I would go mad.

I could possibly live without sex in a relationship but not intimacy, joy or fun.

On a practical level, how would a separation work? Would you have the children 50:50 or would one of you be the primary carer? Can you afford to live separately? Do you think you could co-parent successfully?

Also, as a PP has said, leaving one partner does not guarantee you'll find a 'better' one. Would you rather be single long term than in this marriage? (I think I would, but I know some people don't enjoy being single.)

You only get one life, you need to live your life as you want, and live it purely for your children, as one day they will have flown the nest.

As if you do live solely for your children then ultimately in the end your own in a relationship your not happy with.

*sorry was making tea, plus having a disagreement with my stroppy teen and trying to post on here

*not live stupid autocorrect, think I need my bed and

Have you tried to get to the root of the problem? Do you know why there is no sex in the relationship. If it's an otherwise happy marriage then perhaps some therapy might help.

I think you need to consider divorce. If you are unhappy in every way

Or have a conversation with your spouse, if you feel so miserable. S/he might want to work in it with you, or might say ok let's have open relationship ... and set some ground rules.

I don't know, but it's a long old life when you feel miserable and trapped.

Sorry, I realised I jumped a step. Have you talked about regaining your intimacy and respect for each other? And listened?
If you've tried all of that and it's a completely dead relationship, then whether you have affair (high risk of getting messy and not very nice, as lying changes you) or an upfront honest chat about options.