To ask for advice for dealing with grieving 11yo

[DroningOn]

My FIL died after a short illness in November and my 11yo DS is heartbroken. He had a really great relationship with FIL who was only 72 and they'd spend time together walking the dog, making stuff generally being the cliché of a grandad. We're all missing him, but DS is still struggling a lot. We've tried doing their shared activities now with my DH but it's just not the same.
He came home from school today and went straight up to his room and came down 20 minutes later having been crying. He says can't really describe what's going on (and at 11 I'm not expecting him to be able to articulate this complex stuff clearly) but just says he really misses his GF and that he's very sad.
Is time all we need?

Reassure him it’s ok he feels so upset

That it is very sad and missing those we love is normal but hard

That he was a wonderful gdad and you knew and could see how close they were and how special their love for each other was

See if he can think of some way he would like to specially remember or honour his gdad like planting a tree or getting a bench or just writing him a letter

Time will help most yes

I'm so sorry for your loss, your poor ds.

Could you make a memory box/book and fill it with things that your ds can look at and cherish.

Does his school have any support for counselling? I know our primary had a fantastic programme in place as few children had lost parents and grandparents.

It's so hard for the children. X

Time will heal but in the meantime I would suggest keeping a close eye on him to make sure he's not getting depressed. I was your son at the age of eleven. My GD died in the March and I started High School in the September. Was still grieving and I really struggled in year 7. Looking back, I think I was depressed but I got no help, really took a long time for me to get back on track and I feel it would have been much better if someone had picked up on it and got me some help to work through

The positives here is that he's talking to you and that it's still early days. I remember the biggest shock of losing my first grandparent at a similar age was the fact that it made me think about my parents' mortality as they were next after grandparents. Writing letters is a great idea, or the Cruse website has some great resources for kids/ teens

Sorry to hear of your loss. It may be worth having a look at www.winstonswish.org/
It’s a website for young people who have lost a parent or sibling but our 2 found it helpful when they lost grandparents

Oh, poor boy. There's no short cut unfortunately, and learning to deal with these strong feelings is an essential part of growing up.

Lots of support and reassurance that it's normal to feel this way, and that time will eventually heal.

There are charities that help with child grief. Speak to the school they should be able to put you in touch. Don't dismiss how your child is feeling (not saying you are at all but some people will say just a grandparent) grief is hard for articulate adults to describe its so hard for a child.

Have you tried calling the charity Winston’s Wish? They gave me some reassuring advice over the phone in a similar (but different) situation. (Death of a GP but much younger child).

I came onto say look at winstons wish.

Xpost @NWQM :-)

Goodness me OP I have a lump in my throat for your son.

Perhaps organising counselling or having a cxgat with GP?

I think it’s important that he feels the sadness and doesn’t try to suppress it. Going up to his room to cry is really healthy. Keep talking with him and about his feelings and also his grandad if he likes to. Time is a healer but there’s no way round grief, you have to go through it or it’ll just be deferred until a later date. I really feel for you all, so sorry for your loss.

If your son’s school has counselling. That could be good for him too x

Bless him - poor boy it's so hard.

Reassure him that it's ok to feel sad/cry/get angry.

Make sure people are telling him things like 'life has to go on' - I lost an uncle who I was very close to when I was 13 and people saying things like that was so bloody unhelpful!

Counselling can be good eventually but it may still be too raw at the moment.

Time will help but I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to any of you at the moment

We're really encouraging him to be open about his feelings and encourage him to talk.

He and his dad had a good cry together over the Christmas holidays, just the 2 of them in his room DH wears his emotions on his sleeve and the kids do too which is great.

I was aware he was missing DF a lot but him telling me that he's really sad had made me want to maybe seek more assistance, if nothing else just to reassure us that he's doing fine and that this is normal.

I'll go look at winstons.

Thanks all.

The bereavement charity CRUSE is very good. There may be a branch near you.

Sorry, I should have said 'aren't' not are stupid phone!

It's so lovely he had such a good relationship with his grandad. It's good that he can cry. It's a process. Keep talking about him so DS knows you all miss him, and encourage him to keep talking about the things they did together.