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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living with in-laws

18 replies

AcaiSmoothie · 08/02/2019 14:57

NC as this is probably quite outing.

I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

DP and I have been together for 3 years, lived together for 2. I have 10yo from previous relationship. We all live in house owned by DP's sister to whom we pay rent.

DPs sister is coming to a stage where she wants/ needs to sell the property. We are not in a position to buy it and will need to move.

DPs parents have suggested that we move in with them once the house is sold. This would be cheaper for us than a private let, allow us to save and its a pleasant house in a nice area. It would also help with practical things like giving PIL sone freedom to go away together as we could be there to look after their dogs. PIL are great at helping me with childcare so that I can work. If PIL decided to move/ downsize further down the line, we would be in a position to take on a secure HA tenancy.

I get on really well with PIL, they are truly lovely people - kind and respectful. My fears are that although we get on well, living as two families will put a strain on everyone. Everyone's privacy and personal space will be compromised, my son can be loud and full on and I would be on edge all the time feeling he was annoying everybody and maybe unfair on him to be shushed all the time.

FIL has a progressive illness although he is still fit and able at the moment, I worry that when he eventually becomes more tired etc that living with a young energetic 10yo will really affect him.

I love PIL dearly and DP is really for giving this a go, which I understand as he wants to be there for his parents (so do i!) But I'm concerned about lsing our personal space and freedom to live like a couple/ family.

Does anyone have experience of living with in-laws for an indefinite amount of time? How did you find it?
AIBU to want to find a much more expensive and less secure private let just to maintain some personal space?

OP posts:

Floralhousecoat · 08/02/2019 15:47

Bumping for you op

IDrinkFromTheKegOfGlory · 08/02/2019 16:12

If you get on as well as you say you do could you not talk to your in-laws and pretty much say what you have here? That you'd love to give it a go and it could certainly be mutually beneficial but you are aware that living together can be fraught with difficulties so if relations began to deteriorate for whatever reason (or your FIL started to struggle) you would then look for somewhere else to live?
That way it's not an all or nothing situation.

BIgBagofJelly · 08/02/2019 16:25

It's a difficult choice OP. Perhaps you could live there on a trial basis for a set period of time. Then both parties can decide not to continue living together no questions asked.

LaurieMarlow · 08/02/2019 16:31

I've done it. We moved 'home' and stayed with the inlaws while waiting to buy a house. We were there for 13 months in total.

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It was immensely stressful for all and I was very unhappy.

My fears are that although we get on well, living as two families will put a strain on everyone.

This is exactly it.

Remember that your DP is the person that this arrangement will most suit. Of course he is enthusiastic. It will be much harder for you and your inlaws.

MatildaTheCat · 08/02/2019 16:38

No experience but it would totally depend on the living arrangements and how much separate space you would all have. If you were sharing one sitting room etc I would find it too hard and yes, I’d be on edge with dc and just normal disagreements between us as a couple.

crispysausagerolls · 08/02/2019 16:44

I would not do it.
Did something similar once, and it did not end well.

tattychicken · 08/02/2019 16:44

What do you mean about taking on their tenancy? Where would they move to? Private rented? That seems a bit unfair....

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 16:45

How big is the house? If this is a big house, and you'd have space then it could work, but if this is a big standard three or four bedroom and you're all sitting in the living room together every night, sharing the bathroom, having dinner together, I think it could be too difficult.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 16:45

Bog standard!

melissasummerfield · 08/02/2019 16:51

We did this , it did not end well and we didnt even have kids at that point.

Moved in on the basis we would save for a bigger deposit over 18 months, 3 months later we just bought whatever house we could to get out of there

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 08/02/2019 16:54

With the best will in the world OP I would find it terribly hard to give up my privacy,Resentments will soon surface if MIL was making a stew for tea for the 2nd time that week when you wanted a chinese takeaway and it could be something as simple as that and someone would be offended,then it escalates quickly,She could insist on doing all the washing on a monday and that might not suit you ,,she could resent you wanting to cook a meal for your OH and feel pushed out or maybe some thing as daft as your sons bedtime not suiting, him staying up like he always has til 10pm and her thinking 8.30 is best,,,,it is obviously all hypothetical what I wrote but sometimes its just the small daft things that can cause untold grief,They might insist on everyone being dressed for breakfast when at home you could lounge in pjs til lunch,,,,or what if you needed a shower early and MIL always had a 2 hr bath at that time ,its her home there will be many unforseen consequences .....I might be spouting utter garbage and they could be wonderful accommodating caring people who will put themselves out for all of you gladly but it is something to think about....I personally wouldnt even think about it,,Good Luck though on whatever way you choose to go!

girlwithadragontattoo · 08/02/2019 17:06

Hi op, I'm in the same situation except I'm a year down the line and it's still going to be about another 6 months before we can move.
I hate it! I started off fine at first, now i just stay in the bedroom, i don't even enter the living room and hate going into the kitchen as it's always so crowded. MIL is always hovering around over me as I'm making food etc..
There will also be the fights over who ate what food if there was something you bought specifically, arguing over the washing machine, who used all the gas etc..
My advise is don't do it

Confusedbeetle · 08/02/2019 17:07

Only do it if there is no alternative, I have done it only for a month as MIL .it is very very difficult. No one fell out but it was sooo hard. Everyone bending over backwards

Evennow · 08/02/2019 17:11

Good to hear that you get on well with your ILs. However, lots to consider. Would you all have to share a bathroom? Would your family have a sitting room of your own? What would happen re cooking and clearing up? Would you cook separately or together - either has the potential to cause difficulties? What if their food preferences are different from yours & your child is “picky”. Would there be adequate storage for your belongings? If, and it would be a very big ask for all of you, you can thrash all this out you could have a trial period - but that might result in your family moving twice. Once he is back home your DP might not want to leave even if the arrangement doesn’t work for you (or his parents of course). If the house is large and you are all willing to compromise it might work. Also, if your son is difficult (normal), how will ILs cope with that? It would be a great pity if living together would disrupt what are clearly close relationships. Could you find a rental nearby so that ILs can help with child care & you can help with dogs? Whatever you decide will need great tact (not saying you aren’t tactful). On balance I would express huge gratitude for the offer but go to live nearby if at all possible.

poglets · 08/02/2019 17:11

I did this with a newborn. For six months. It was such hard work. I really wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

If you have no other choice then you need firm ground rules before you do. Also, make sure you have a degree of freedom of movement. I can't even drive so I felt trapped.

Lichtie · 08/02/2019 17:17

We were going to do it as there was a delay in our house being ready. Were all set to move in and then DH panicked and bought a small flat instead. Said he loved his family so didn't want to end up killing them 😂
It would only have been for 6 weeks, think I would have coped, but yours sounds like a longer term plan, not sure I could do that. Would always feel like living in someone else's home.

YouTheCat · 08/02/2019 17:21

I lived with my mil for 15 years. It was shit. Don't do it.

I don't even think I'd have liked living with my own mum for longer than a month and we had a great relationship.

BackforGood · 08/02/2019 17:39

I wouldn't do this in a million years - no matter how well I got on with either parents, or PiLs.
Moving in for X months, whilst house hunting, or saving that deposit for a year, or whilst renovating is stressful enough, but to do it as a permanent thing would not be considered for a minute by me.

My dn has moved back home with her partner for sensible reasons, between flats, and, although they all love each other and get on really, really, well, it is still a strain.
Everyone needs that space to 'have a row' occasionally, or to do some entertaining on impulse, or eat at odd times , or 1001 other things you can do in the privacy of your own home but not when living in someone else's home.
That is even without a child - heading in to those teen years and all the strain that can put on family dynamics.
Did I say?
I wouldn't consider this at all.

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