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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son being manipulated.

27 replies

Needhelp1234 · 08/02/2019 11:06

Nc for this.
I’ve raised my son alone for 15 years. I left his dad due to DV. His dad has shown little or no interest in his son over the years and hasn’t paid for him.

He has always had a stronger focus on me. Recently his dad has shown more interest but disappointed him on his bday. This caused an argument between us. Since then his dad has been brainwashing my son and turning him against me. My son has said he wants to live with his dad as his dad has told him things like doing the dishes is slave labour and grounding him is enforced imprisonment. He’s dad told him they can apply for benefits now, he told his son that I get lots of benefits for him, however I earn too much to get anything other than child benefit which goes straight into my sons pocket. I feel that my son is being manipulated and used. I have a court order, I’m wondering if that also means I am the resident parent? I would also like to know what my options are in regards to becoming the primary Carer? Any advice thanks

OP posts:
Needhelp1234 · 08/02/2019 11:31

This reply has been deleted

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tiktok · 08/02/2019 11:42

I am not a lawyer. What I say here is only related to experience I have supporting people through the family court and through family court proceedings. You are the resident parent if your son lives with you the majority of the time.
You need legal advice. With a history of DV, you might be able to get legal aid. Call women's aid. Another source of support might be the Personal Support Unit if there is one near you (you can google psu.org.uk). They can't give legal advice but they can explain legal processes to you.
Your son is 15, and the family court will take his wishes into account when making decisions, so you need to bear this in mind.
Take a copy of any text messages or emails you have from your ex, and make a note of his behaviour with dates. The fact he did not mark your son's birthday is relevant, as is the fact he has not paid anything towards his son's upkeep.
Hope it works out for you, OP. Someone else with more legal expertise than me might also post here, but you might have better responses by posting in legal matters. AIBU is a fast moving folder and your post will soon disappear from the front page.

Doyoumind · 08/02/2019 11:48

If you son is 15+ then a court order doesn't really count for much.

If his main residence changed then there may be a change in the benefits you or your ex receive but there would need to be proof that residence had changed.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 08/02/2019 12:01

I would say you are the RP as you have to make the child available for contact. That would indicate RP (to me, anyway)

You know, he can more or less do his own thing now. He's old enough to have his own voice in court.

Original poster
Needhelp1234 · 08/02/2019 12:05

Thank you for the advice. I will repost in legal matters thanks.

OP posts:
user1498854363 · 08/02/2019 12:09

Sorry op, people are right, ds can chose where he lives and you can’t stop that. Do you want to set up him running away, you reporting him missing, damaging yr relationship? My advise is to keep ur relationship with ds as the main goal, support him, be there for him, help him make his choices. If dad is that rubbish ds will work it out. Appreciate it’s tough for you, have you got support for you?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/02/2019 12:09

I don’t think you are going to get your boy back by using the law OP. I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk with him.

Bombardier25966 · 08/02/2019 12:09

When is your son sixteen? At fifteen his wishes will be the primary consideration should the case go back to court.

Is there any risk (emotionally or physically) to your child in going to live with him?

Travisandthemonkey · 08/02/2019 12:10

At 15 I guess he can make his mistakes and learn from them. But I can see why you’re scared. I would just talk and talk to him, perhaps treat him a little more as an adult, talk to him about how he feels and why he thinks it’s a good thing the way his father is behaving.
Just don’t stop talking in a loving respectful way.
It’s probably very hard for him to deal with the two sides of his father and I’m sure he wants his dad more than anything.
Even family counselling for you both might be an idea.

Bombardier25966 · 08/02/2019 12:11

Plus in these situations, the child will often realise that the grass is not greener and want to return to live with you. Going through legal channels could actually make this more difficult, if an order had been granted in the interim for him to live with your ex.

Travisandthemonkey · 08/02/2019 12:13

I agree with others that if you go down the legal route you risk seriously alienating him and making it dad and him against you. And then dad ends up the hero.

Singlenotsingle · 08/02/2019 12:17

I would explain to DS that his dad is mainly interested in what he can get in the way of benefits. He may or may not qualify for something if he is the RP. The child benefit would probably go straight in the fathers pocket. Tell DS that if he wants to go, you won't stand in his way but he's welcome to come back if and when he wants to.

paintinmyhairAgain · 08/02/2019 12:24

for gods sake don't go down the legal route, you know your son is old enough to make choices, even if they are the wrong ones.
be there for him and don't on any account bad mouth your ex, it will only put ex on a pedal stool in your sons eyes. keep talking to your son. he 's at that age where he needs a role model [the one he has is a shit one] do you have a male relative or male friend might be able to help mentor him ?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/02/2019 12:26

Your son is old enough to be told the truth, almost the unvarnished truth.

Sit him down and talk him through it ALL. Show him the finances, tell him that his dad has one version of what is happening and you have another. That there is no reason for him, DS, to have been dragged into any disagreement but, now that he has, you will treat him as an adult and tell him grown up truths!

Tell him you love him and understand that he wants a relationship with his dad. Tell him that he can have both of you, he does not have to choose ever

Tell him he can live with hsi dad if that is what he wants to do but that his room will always be waiting for him and he can visit, stay over, return whenevr he wants to.

Help him pack, remind him of the things he will miss, ask him if he wants to leave some things with you for when he sleeps over, what he thinks he will need 2 of.

Tell him you will really miss him but that you won't stop him living with his dd, or comong home to you whenever he wants to.

Basically love him to bits and be the most reasonable you can be. Make him see the stark distinction between you nad his dad, that you relly do want what is best for him.

He'll soon see through his dad and come home.

If he doesn't, well, you will have to find a way to deal with that if it happens. But I would agree, you can't lock him into your home via the courts. Yuu will only be proving his dad right!

DSis went through similar with her DS. Absentee father suddenly came over all Disney! DN saw through him in about 4 days!

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 12:28

You are the resident parent, but at 15 your sons wishes will be what is important here. I'm sorry.

Juells · 08/02/2019 12:29

If he moves in with his father he'll soon find out that doing the dishes isn't considered slave labour when his father expects him to do it. I can't imagine how galling and hurtful this is for you. It might be worth letting him go to stay with his father for a while, he might see things in a different light.

endofthelinefinally · 08/02/2019 12:31

I think you need legal advice regarding the financial situation just to clarify that your ex has never paid maintenance in case ex tries to claim maintenance from you.
Yes have a chat with your son and be honest.
Then suggest he goes and lives with his dad for a trial period and see how it goes.
Inform the school that his dad is now responsible for attendance, uniform etc.
Do not facilitate anything around cooking, washing etc.
Just reassure DS that you love him and he is welcome to come home if it doesn't work out.
He is old enough to be told that you don't get any benefits and that his dad has never contributed.
He is quite capable of asking his dad for proof of his assertions.
It is quite normal to rebel a bit at this age.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2019 12:33

Your poor ds is looking for a hero. He’s going to be confronted with a monster. Is he aware of the reason for you leaving his father? I think it is time for him to learn.

As pps have said you can’t prevent your ds from going to live with his father as any court action would take his wishes into consideration and further alienate him from you, which is what his father is trying to do.... along with getting his hands on any state money.

The only thing you can do is be clear your door is always open and say you’re concerned his father’s primary reason for wanting him is for the cash. It’s likely his father didn’t bother to do this before is because a child is far less work in many ways than a 15 yo, which he will just consider autonomous. When in reality teens still need stable parenting.

He’s also at a critical time education wise as well. Maybe you can persuade him to stay til then and leave if he still wants to? If not and your ds ends up doing badly in his GCSEs, don’t despair, he has a very long life ahead of him.

Springwalk · 08/02/2019 12:35

Can you ( or better still a trusted close family member or friend) take your son out somewhere quiet and neutral and tell him everything that happened, the dv and the fact his father has not supported him or you. Keeping any criticism you may feel to yourself but stating factually what has happened. Tell your son that he is loved by you, and will always mean the world to you and then stand back, let him think it over and make his own decisions.

The more you try and influence and fight the more likely he will rebel. But that does not mean he is lost forever.
At some point he will understand much more fully, he is young and obviously taken in by your ex dp,

I would want him to know the truth and my account, and would then let him decide his next move.

My guess is that he will be straight home. Particularly as his father couldn’t even manage to remember his birthday, hopefully this is just a passing phase.

Juells · 08/02/2019 12:35

in case ex tries to claim maintenance from you.

I just came back to this thread to say that his next move will be claiming maintenance from you, OP :(

NotANotMan · 08/02/2019 12:36

He's old enough to choose where he lives sadly

Transpeaked · 08/02/2019 12:39

I’m not sure you can publicly post family court orders, OP without being in contempt of court. Might be best to remove?

Fraying · 08/02/2019 12:43

Are there any older relatives/friends of the family that DS respects and will listen to? If so, then I'd ask them to subtly have a word with DS. He's 15. He's rebelling. He's doing exactly what a teen is supposed to do. Sadly his DH is exploiting that. However, your DS may be more willing to listen to someone who isn't you.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/02/2019 12:46

He is old enough now that he could choose to live with his father if he wanted. The father would then become the resident parent (its an almost irrelevant title at that age anyway)

Best just be honest with your son and if he wants to go them let him. If the father is as bad as you describe he will be back.

EyeOfTheTigger · 08/02/2019 12:57

If your son has behaviours that result in being grounded, then it would be interesting to see how long his father puts up with those behaviours himself. With regard to chores, he'll either be asking your son to help, or they'll be living in a messy home (assuming the father doesn't have some other poor partner who is forced to do all the work). Your son will wise up to all this pretty quickly.

Tell your son to make sure his father pays him all his child benefit, the same as you do. I bet he's planning to keep it for himself.

As other pp have said, make sure your DS knows your door will always be open for him to return/stay over/visit.

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