To ask if anyone's ever experienced this before

[Seline]

I'm posting this here to get as much input as possible. Please be relatively kind, it's a really weird scenario.

My husband has some sort of issue with doing things in his sleep. Obviously everyone's heard of sleepwalking but this is more severe. He will sit bolt upright and shout, shake me awake and talk utter nonsense to me, push me, proposition me, pull my hair, kiss me, throw all sheets off the bed, throw pillows off the bed, put the lights on, punch himself...Obviously not all in one go that's just a selection of what he can do. It's not every night but it's often enough that it's really annoying because it wakes me up obviously, and as he's asleep a simple "stop it" won't do anything and I have to shake him awake for 5 to 10 minutes. Once awake he's very dazed and has no idea what has happened. He's very apologetic and upset if I tell him he's done something to me. I know he is genuinely asleep because his responses are jerky and it takes ages to rouse him.

He also sleeps really deeply. Kids crying doesn't wake him. Neither do alarms.

What actually is this? It annoys both of us for obvious reasons. We went to the GPs once and got the crap response that sometimes people just sleep deeply.

Can you ask for a referral to the sleep clinic to investigate/help?

www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/rem-sleep-behavior-disorder

Thank you that sounds exactly like it. Will ask for a referral to a sleep clinic. I didn't even know such a place existed

Sure does! I am a sleep paralysis sufferer!

A friend of mine has what she calls “night terrors” quite often she’ll wake up sitting on the toilet fully clothed, with no idea how she got there. But that’s a good night for her. Her DP has woken to find her trying to climb out of hotel windows (when away from home, they seem more severe episodes) shouting at him and shaking him awake, trying to open the front door in the middle of the night.

He resorted to throwing water in her face, sounds cruel but it was the only thing that would snap her out of it quickly.

For her, it’s stress related, the more things going on in her life, the worse the episodes are.

good point about stress. My sleep paralysis is worse when I am stressed

Parasomnia. Shouting stop it won't help as his brain is asleep and dreaming while his body is seemingly awake. No advice, other than it can be stress related, or happen in a new space (on holiday) and apparently calms down over time. I'm the dw of a parasomniac and feel like he's sabotaging my sleep!

I used to have sleep paralysis but it's only happened a total of under 10 times. Anything we can do to reduce episodes of this?

I can only say what helps me - yoga (to reduce stress and anxiety) also, ironically enough, getting enough sleep! Over tiredness can apparently cause it! Letting the dog sleep in the bed with me seems to help too.... I am sure there are more scientific/reliable options too though

I get quite bad night terrors which is similar (I sit upright looking at things that aren’t there, talk to them, occasionally if they’re really bad I shout/scream and run out the room! But generally I just call out in my sleep). I think they are more likely to happen if I’m stressed or anxious so that might be the case with your DH too.

My ex was like this and he definitely endangered himself at times. He would be worse if he was ill, had taken medication like paracetamol, flu tabs etc and had to stop drinking alcohol because he’d been arrested due to his behaviour. A friend had a partner (now ex) who had the same thing and was also worse when he drank alcohol. He once took all of his 6 year olds fitted wardrobe doors off in the night and became aggressive and violent towards her when she started crying. He threw the doors at my friend and injured her badly. I was there once when he was having one of these experiences and it was really bizarre, he was looking right through me and was very hostile. It was exactly the same expression and experience I later had with my ex.

I don’t know what the right term is for this condition but you have my sympathies and I hope you get it sorted out soon.

Is there any trauma in his past? I've had two partners that did it and both were ex military. Also a friend with diagnosed PTSD who can't share a room with his partner as it is so bad.

That’s a very good point @Bombardier25966, both men I mentioned had experienced physical abuse in childhood and had CPTSD.

My ex husband used to do this when we first married. He’d be worse if he was stressed or particularly busy at work. Mostly shouting and trying to get out of the house. The thing that finally helped after much trial and error was keeping the radio and later the tv on very quietly all night.

I have this. I've been diagnosed with REM sleep disorder. It means my body doesn't go into paralysis during REM-stage of sleep which means I act out my dreams.

Can you ask him if he's dreaming or what's on his mind while he's doing this?

I get sleep paralysis an awful lot. I often wake up, but still have terrible things happening, then wake again - dreams within dreams!
So I've trained myself to recognise the fact that I'm still asleep, and to calm down, breathe, and wake myself gently. Could he do similar?

Get a referral. Your husband is not aware of what he is doing and could hurt you without realising. There are Good modern treatments for this.

I have some experience of this, thankfully not in myself but in friends. What has helped them are (regular daily) meditation to reduce stress, avoiding alcohol and drugs (both recreational and prescribed if poss), long-term (several months' worth of once-monthly visits) homeopathic treatment, and avoiding eating heavy meals late in the evening.

I have had night terrors since I was a child, it sounds quite similar to what your DH is experiencing. Mine get worse when I am sick, overtired, hot or in a new place. My DH has suffered through a fair few physical attacks from me. They escalated when I had DS, I went to the GP after a particularly bad night when I thought someone was trying to kidnap DS so I took him from his Moses basket and outside.

The GP suggested setting an alarm to interrupt the night terror (mine happened at very similar times) getting out of bed walking around and then going back to sleep. It worked though, they reduced considerably over a few weeks and now I get them only when I am very sick or in a strange place.

Maybe he could try this? It’s not a cure but from what I remember my GP at the time said there was no medication they could offer to help.

I think he needs to be seen at a sleep clinic, starting with the GP is a good start. Does he have any history of trauma? My dad used to do this (wake up, shouting, punching things, etc.) and I'm pretty sure it was a form of PTSD. He did have an abusive childhood, but he also served in the military in a conflict zone, so saw some horrible things, which I think is what actually caused it (the things he was shouting seemed to relate to those memories as well).

My husband has similar. He is on meds for it and has undergone sleep studies.

I actually just reassure him that everything is ok, that it's just me (not an assailant) and to lie down and go back to sleep, which he does!

Good luck, hope he gets the help he needs and you get your sleep.