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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfishly upset my mother has cancer

9 replies

Ceci03 · 07/02/2019 21:27

I feel so guilty but today I heard from my mother she has uterine cancer and will be having surgery. I don't get on with either parent but have gotten sucked into their lives as my mother had heart scare 2 years ago and then my father got sick and is just getting over a serious back operation. I'm just dreading my mother having surgery. All the hospital visits and appointments and looking after my father. I should be sorry for her but I'm so tired and just fed up with them. I don't like spending time with them. Had no contact for a while but they are in bad health. Am trying to get a new job and am facing homelessness as my apartment is being sold They don't know any of this and are so demanding. Feeling sorry for myself but should be sorry for her I know.

OP posts:
Klopptimist · 07/02/2019 22:30

It isn't going to be as bad as you think. MIL had uterine cancer last year and had a keyhole hysterectomy followed by radiotherapy. She's 79 and was in hospital for 4 days, back to normal activities (for her) by six weeks and she wasn't the healthiest before all this started. Gentle movement is essential to recovery so whilst she will need to rest, there does need to be a little "doing" on her part too. It will be good for her.

I was dreading it TBH as her and PIL are very opinionated and "Brexity", for want of a better word. But it was fine. I batch cooked and every time they started banging on about "the immigrants", I'd just find something to clean and resist the temptation to point out that an immigrant probably saved her life...

I'd advise you to let them know you have a lot on yourself though. Is there anyone else in the family who can help share the load?

Now no doubt, someone will be along to say "You're lucky to have parents, mine are dead...". This isn't about them, it is about you and regardless of what the situation is, you need a place to vent. There is no better place to vent than on the internet, anonymously. You've got a lot of pressure with the job/flat situation already and you do need to look after your own well being Flowers

Wolfiefan · 07/02/2019 22:34

I agree with Klopp. You need to avoid getting completely sucked in and subsumed by it all. You can only do so much. Be clear with yourself what your limit is.
I’m sorry OP. Look after yourself. Flowers

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/02/2019 22:37

Feel free to pop over to elderly parents thread if you feel like you need support. Everyone's very aware of just how much it takes it out of "carers"

Grumpelstilskin · 07/02/2019 22:55

If you genuinely do not get on with your parents or other relatives and previously were LC or even NC, you don’t actually have to be their carer or get involved. Why are especially we women so guilt-tripped into becoming carers to someone who might have been really toxic. My GF was a shit to my DM and DF but even worse to me. He never gave me a single birthday or Christmas present while showering my DB and his other DGs with expensive gifts and money. He paid for their education and took them on expensive holidays. I still got better qualifications than them all and he never managed to wind me up. Then he got sick and started bombarding me with calls, which I let go to answer machine because all the rest did not want to know when his money began running low with expensive care. As the only female grandchild, I was for some inexplicable reason expected to put my own life on hold to look after the narcissistic old wanker. Guess who did not give a flying fig and got on with life. Why be a martyr to those unworthy of those sacrifices!

Original poster
Ceci03 · 08/02/2019 10:19

thx very much. my parents are not overtly abusive, it's more they both have narcissistic traits and I just had to get away from them, they were ruling my life. so manipulative. thx klopptimist. I suppose I'm lucky they are both still alive so they 'have each other'. It'll be more the pressure of minding my father while the mother is in the hospital. not sure which is worse - him in hos or her in hos. he was in for 7 weeks there over xmas and is just starting to get on his feet. and now this. yeah I have 2 sisters but am not speaking to either of them. basically they ganged up on me when I went LC with the parents. They are "disgusted" with me. Cant help feeling sorry for myself cos they both have husbands and they have each other. Feel like I've nobody to talk to IUKWIM. DD is 15 but I dont like to worry her so try and keep most of it to myself. boo hoo poor me. sorry & thx for listening

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 08/02/2019 10:24

You don’t need to mind an adult. If the sisters are still in close contact then they can do it. Don’t be sucked in.
I’m NC with my father and wild horses wouldn’t pull me back in.

Singlenotsingle · 08/02/2019 10:25

Surely it's up to the 2 dsis? They disapproved when you went LC, so now it's time for them to "put their money where their mouth is"?

Grumpelstilskin · 08/02/2019 13:51

Given that there are 3 kids and the other two are the 'golden' children. Let them deal with him. And her. Don't get sucked in unless you genuinely want to be around them.

Bluelady · 08/02/2019 13:56

Let your sisters do it all, OP. It would be a different story if there was only you.

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