Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague touching my leg?

18 replies

DoubtingMyselfAsAlways · 07/02/2019 08:49

A male colleague and I were working on a task together, also with a clients present. This colleague is also an ex partner of mine, we split a few years ago but remain amicable and friendly due to work. During the meeting the colleague complimented my work and as he did so his hand grabbed my thigh pretty firmly and rubbed it. The clients easily could have seen, or other colleagues who were around. I froze, and lost my train of thought with the meeting. I didn’t feel I could say anything at the time due to clients being there, and afterwards I just went to my work area feeling confused. The more I thought about it the more uncomfortable I felt that it had happened. I told my boss, who will speak to the colleague but only informally (at my request). I’m now doubting myself and wondering if I should just speak to the colleague myself and say it was inappropriate and I felt uncomfortable. He probably meant nothing sinister by it, but the thigh feels like quite an intimate area. I don’t want to damage our working relationship, and for some odd reason I feel guilty for making him go through the embarrassment of being talked to about this. Should I leave it in my managers hands or talk to him myself? Although now that I’ve officially told my manager, he may have a duty to take some sort of action. I feel really shit and don’t know if I’ve done the right thing.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/02/2019 08:53

You shld talk to HR, its sexual harassment

nellieellie · 07/02/2019 08:54

YANBU. Totally unacceptable behaviour. He needs to be told. You have done exactly the right thing in reporting it. As well as being a sexual assault on you, how on earth does it look to clients had they seen it.

DoubtingMyselfAsAlways · 07/02/2019 09:39

Thanks both. I think it’s the fact we have history that blurs it for me.

OP posts:
ReaganSomerset · 07/02/2019 09:44

Yes, report it. Definitely.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/02/2019 09:56

He's relying on that past history to keep you in your place though. It is also what made him feel free to grope you in public, in front of a client.

Do go to HR. They'll add things like bringing the company into disrepute into the mix. Any shite consequences will bloody well serve him right!

Eliza9917 · 07/02/2019 10:06

@nellieellie it's hardly sexual assault. Wrong, yes, and done kind of assualt but touching someone's leg is not sexual assault.

Eliza9917 · 07/02/2019 10:06

*some not done

FaithFrank · 07/02/2019 10:10

He probably meant nothing sinister by it

I disagree. He knew it would make you feel uncomfortable and that you would not make a fuss in the meeting. You losing your train of thought and looking a bit crap to the clients was probably his desired result.

Yes, speak to HR.

NaturalBornWoman · 07/02/2019 10:13

It's power, he was putting you in your place. And Eliza grabbing and rubbing someone's thigh uninvited is definitely a sexual threat. I'd have told him there and then personally, but you should definitely either tell him to his face that if he ever lays hands on you again you'll make a formal complaint, or go to HR, whichever you feel most comfortable with.

explodingkitten · 07/02/2019 10:18

Of he ever does it again, stand up, tell him to never touch you again and leave the meeting. Sod it if the clients realise or don't like it. Any decent person will respect you for standing up for yourself. If the company loses the client then that's his fault.

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/02/2019 10:18

You did the right thing by reporting it OP. Personally I probably would have had a word with the colleague myself. Something along the lines of "if you put your hand on my again I'll fucking break it", but that's just me.

userschmoozer · 07/02/2019 10:22

Thats a technique used to shut you down, which can make you look bad in front of a client. Its like a 'thought terminating cliche'.

He knew exactly what he was doing. He created the situation, not you. Stop feeling bad.

Have a plan of action ready for if it ever happens again.

nellieellie · 07/02/2019 10:22

@Eliza9917 I think grabbing a woman's thigh “firmly and rubbing it” definitely IS sexual assault! I’m not suggesting reporting to the police, but there is no doubt it IS an assault.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/02/2019 10:26

it's hardly sexual assault. Wrong, yes, and done kind of assualt but touching someone's leg is not sexual assault. Christ! Why do some women have such a low expectation of their right to bodily autonomy?

Sexual assault and power play all in one! He's a man who needs to be re-educated!

PBo83 · 07/02/2019 10:32

Personally, I believe what you do should really depend on the outcome you want.

If you would be happy/comfortable with an apology and letting him know what he did was unacceptable then I would recommend talking to him and seeing how he reacts. Then it's upto him to modify his behaviour accordingly and ensure there are no repeat instances.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to him and working in close proximity is going to cause you concern and/or effect your work then speak to HR.

StormTreader · 07/02/2019 10:35

"we split a few years ago"

If you'd split up very recently then it MAYBE could have been unthinking habit. A few years ago? He has absolutely no more right or excuse to do anything to you than any other random colleague has. Don't talk yourself into feeling that a previous relationship has earned him any rights to your body, it hasn't.

SoupDragon · 07/02/2019 10:41

I think you've handled it right. Leave it to your manager to sort out and see what happens. If he does it again then this incident has been noted and you can take it further.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread