I feel like a failing mum (another one)

[username202]

I've never felt properly like this before. I see several threads a week with a title similar to this and not understand how people can really feel like their child is better off without them, but now I feel like that.
DS is 2.

I was a single parent for the first year of DS's life and then got back together with his dad. We are now mid break up again as I'm unhappy. I feel so guilty that we essentially got back together to break up again and I'm unbelievably stressed that DS might notice the change and it'll unsettle him. I'm panicked about DP moving on with other people but too unhappy to stay.

DS has been unwell for the past week, too. He's slept bad for a few weeks but unwell for the past week (inc a trip to hospital). He just stays up all night crying for hours at a time. I'm usually such a patient mum but I get impatient and frustrated and scream and have to take myself to another room after I've already made him cry worse.

And I just can't muster up the energy to do anything. To do the washing, to cook nice dinners, to go on days out. I feel horrific.

I prefer being at work to being at home at the minute which also makes me feel guilty. I find myself craving a night out and just wanting to go and get drunk with anyone and I'm disgusted at myself for turning into that kind of mum. I've always been the type who judges parents with babies who smoke but I've actually been leaving for work 15 minutes early to go out and have a cigarette without anyone making comments at me and making me feel worse than I already do.

I just feel completely messed up, all over the place, exhausted. I feel like running away for weeks and leaving him with his dad because I know he'd be happier.

This feeling is horrible.

Hold on a second and let yourself take a breath.
Just think about what you are currently dealing with:
Relationship breakdown
Ill child
Work
Exhaustion - both physical and mental from the above list.

Of course you are completely on your knees but that does NOT mean you are failing as a parent, it shows you are human going though a tough time.

Imagine if you were hearing about this from a friend - you would be sympathetic and offer to help.

Your child is being fed & cares for it doesn’t matter about trips etc.
Suggested actions:
if you feel depressed go to the doctors - you might just need some time off work or you might need more help.
Ask friends and family to give you some help so you can take some time off - even if that means you just sit in a coffee shop with some cake.

You are NOT a failure as a parent you just need a breather.

You got this

You are NOT failing. It would be worse for your DS in the ling run if you stay in an unhappy relationship.
In regards to be smoking, right now it is a crutch to help you, don't stress about it, you can always quit in the future once everything settles down.
Your DS is loved and fed, as long as he gets food and some fruit and veg, it doesn't matter how lovely the food is, chuck some chicken nuggets in he oven and some frozen veg, with a bit of fruit for desert, he will be fine. If you feel yourself getting stressed, walk away for 5 minutes, calm down and then go back and give him a big hug, read him a story, lie down with him, get him up for a little but an watch tv/listen to music/play ad then try again. Also tel him ok we will do this for half an hour and then back to bed ok.
Also go to your doctor, an ask for either tablet or counselling. Things are hard for you now, but it will get better eventually, you are a great mum and have got this.