How do I respond to the breakdown of a teenage romantic relationship?

[jillowarriorqueen]

My DD started liking a boy in her friendship group when she was half way through year 7. They became close over the last few years and she really fell hard for him in this time. I mean HARD hard. Like, totally infatuated with him. They were best friends in school and shared so much in common. He was all she wanted to talk about when I picked her up from her school bus stop in the evenings and all she wanted to talk about when I was tucking her in bed at night too.

In the summer holidays following the end of their year 9, he asked her out. He wanted to keep things private, so she agreed to be his secret gf - not something I was happy about, as she is beautiful, kind, clever and sweet and doesn't deserve to be anyone's secret anything. The reason he gave her was that he was scared of relationships and wasn't ready to go public. He's almost 15. I understood this. Albeit a bit grudgingly.

For a few months they "dated" in private. He would deny he liked her in front of their friendship group, but send secret texts telling her how much he deeply loved her. Then at Christmas, he broke it off because he wasn't ready for a relationship, something that I totally get. But my DD doesn't.

For her, it seemed like the end of the world. But she picked herself up and has been going into school, facing him and their friends - who all found out after the fact. She has tried to maintain their previous friendship, but is finding it difficult, as she has a need to know how he feels about her all the time. I tell her she needs to leave it and allow him some space. But she just sobs and sobs, confused as to why he said he loved her then "threw it all away". She says she is lonely and is afraid of never finding anyone. This breaks my heart, as to me she is still a child, and she has a good and loving family.

She has done so well this term, faced him daily and their friendship group, pretended she is not hurting and broken inside. But it's wearing her down now.

She is almost 15, a good student in year 10, currently averaging level 6s and 7s in her subjects. Until yesterday, she had 100 percent school attendance over the last two years or more. She struggles in when she feels ill with coughs and colds and sore throats. She will not be persuaded to have even one day off when she is physically sick.

But this week she seems to have run aground. For the first time in two years, she is asking for "mental health days". She is beside herself, at the end of herself. She just wants to get away from him right now.

She has been pulling out all the stops all of January and the first week of February to just face the whole thing off and she has ran out of emotional resources now.

She has had one day off so far, but is getting into such a state, I feel she needs a few days off consecutively. I will go into school and grab work she is missing. If she had 95% of less attendance I wouldn't be taking this stance.

AIBU to allow her to have Thursday and Friday off this week in order for her to recharge her batteries?

Of course let her have a few days, she's a good student with excellent usual attendance. I remember that teen heart break and how it feels like you'll never feel that way about someone again, even harder when it's someone who's pay off the same friendship group as you've constantly got to put a brave face on, and then there will come s time when he has another gf and you're expected to hang out with her for the sake of the group. You sound like a lovely mum, just be kind and not dismissive of how strongly she feels. Try and do something together if you can to take her mind off it

Thank you so much! Her best friend and he are really growing close and behaving in a flirty way, so yes, I hear you. I think I will just let her have a couple of days break on the understanding that next week, she gets things together for a few days before half term. She has load of stuff she can do at home, including working through text books I have bought for her GCSEs. Also, I am a trained secondary teacher, so I can help her access the KS4 curriculum in a few subjects. xx

Bless her, she’s heartbroken about her (likely) first love. As she’s been good with attendance so far, it’s not a bad idea esp as she has you. Have a nice weekend with her and hopefully she’ll feel a bit better about facing him on Monday.

This is so similar to an experience I had recently- I’m 20 but was 19 at the time- and I can honestly say that I really feel for her in this situation. I fell in love with my best friend, and we dated for a month or so before they told me that they liked somebody else more and that they wanted to just be friends with me, that they weren’t ready for a relationship with me specifically. We’d been planning dates, seeing each other as often as we could, attending events as a pair. It’s so easy to fall so quickly when you’re already close In all honesty, the way it ended hurt a lot. We’ve been talking on and off since but nothing like we used to, I feel betrayed and I can imagine that’s how your daughter feels too. It’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I’m almost okay with it, and that’s helped by the fact that I’m at university and don’t have to see them everyday. I wish your daughter could have that luxury, but it sounds like she’s coping admirably well considering everything going on.

What I will say is this; it’s not easy but it does get better. I’m at a point where I can genuinely say that I don’t care if they want me or not anymore, but we’re both interested in rebuilding a friendship. That’s what it is, too; rebuilding. The issues we’ve both faced from the breakup have put too much strain on us to say that we could just jump straight back in to how things used to be. I understand their decision even if I don’t like it. When her trust has been broken so thoroughly that’s hard to see, but it will come. Maybe having an example from someone still very much young and figuring themselves out will help her to see that she’s not alone. Right now I may not be friends with my ex again, but our mutual best friends have been fantastic in ensuring that they hang out with both me and my ex regularly, even if it’s separately at the moment. You sound like a fantastic mother and I think you’ve got all the right ideas. Taking a couple of days to decompress and have some time without having to pretend everything is fine makes a huge difference. Honestly, I just want to say that you sound like the best parent she could have to support her right now, and I think if you keep on doing what you’re doing then the both of you will come through fine in the end

Oof. As the song goes, first cut is the deepest. I had to take time out of college and mother dragged me to work with her for fear I might do something silly if left at home after my first love dropped me. At the time it honestly felt like I would never love again, never feel true happiness if I couldn’t be with that one person! It’s so all consuming. And I remember it like yesterday. But 14 years later I’m married to the love of my life! Let her take some time out, and reassure her it’s almost a rite of passage and she will move on and it will be nothing but a memory. and it’s totally ok to wallow, eat chocolate, and also listen to some good breakup songs!

I'm going to give an unpopular opinion here.
They're kids, it's not as though he has left her with 3 kids and no money,
At that age she should be concentrating on her schoolwork, not boys, so no, i wouldn't allow her to take time off school for such a ridiculous reason.

"a few days off consecutively"

I can't feel supportive of that, sorry. Is it almost half term where you are now?

No way would I allow time off for this. Life lesson. You have to go on.

Chin up at school, let the guard down at home.

You do sound like a lovely mum OP. I wouldn’t allow a ‘few days’ off in such a vital academic year over a boy though. She does need to continue holding her head high so she can excel in her exams. Perhaps advise her to stay away from him in school for a while, block contact on social media and phone number etc so she can focus on her studies. It’s a tough situation and sadly one many of us have experienced but her studies must come first!

No I wouldn’t as it just feeds the teenage drama.
Half term is only a week away so she gets a break then.

As difficult as it is for her right now I think I'd be inclined to put aside time to spend with her at the weekend. Whatever will put a smile on her face - cinema, shopping, pampering - and the opportunity to have a good talk about her emotions.
I would absolutely indulge her need to show her emotions, let her have a good cry (I get really worked up when people tell kids not to cry over genuinely upsetting things - there's a reason for it, allow it!) and show her how to be there for someone who feels like she does. Personally, I think that's far more valuable than (potentially) letting people wallow in it.
I would be giving her the time and space, outside of school, to express feelings without 'solutions' but a lot of empathy/sympathy. When she wants advice she'll ask and if you have a better understanding of the emotions she's feeling (rather than assuming from your own experience which we're all culpable of) you'll be in a better position to help.

I feel for her, but I wouldn't let her stay off school

My children are younger so maybe I’m unreasonable but... I wouldn’t let her have time off for this. She loved him and she’s struggling but he sounds like a bit of a twat (wanted a secret girlfriend, wasn’t mature enough to proudly say your DD was his girlfriend= twat) and no twat is worth jeopardising your education for. It’s nearly half term and she can have a whole week for some TLC which she definitely needs and deserves.

I think the thing we tend to forget as adults is that when this happens at this age, you're feeling all that raw emotion for the first time. You have no frame of reference because it's never happened before, and at that age most aren't as emotionally mature as an adult and full of hormones they've yet to master. Yes they're 'only kids' and to an adult that's had a breakdown of a serious relationship (and most of us have probably) this would be minor - we've already felt what they're feeling and are able to put it in perspective against other experiences.
If it were my DD I'm dreading when this happens I'd let her take those couple of days to compose herself, but talk to her about it, that it's perfectly normal to feel like she does right now, but it will pass, and once she's had the break and a bit of mental peace from it all being in her face, it's time to move forward and start concentrating on school and studies again.
I don't think 'mental health day' is really the right term, I think that teens can misunderstand this and think there's something 'wrong' with their mental health, which of course may be true, but this is a natural reaction to the situation, she needs to learn how to cope with these reactions to see her into adulthood.
I hope she's feeling better soon.

She sounds like a good kid, obviously cares about school and education. So if she's struggling and asking for time off, I'd listen to her.

I understand that in years to come this heartbreak won't matter, but right now it's a big deal to her and I think with your support and showing her you are taking her serious she will be absolutely fine. Xx

He was a 14 year old boy who was sensible enough to know he was not ready for a romantic relationship. This doesn’t make him a twat.

The thing that makes his behaviour twattish is the secret bit. That adds a complete new angle to what is a first love situation. Having to keep it a secret and not being even able to be upset with her friends now it’s over no wonder she is suffering. Plus he is now openly flirting with another mutual friend I wonder if he will actually openly date this other girl.

I would want her at school and spend a lot of time doing things with her this weekend.

I didn’t say he was a twat for ending it. I said he behaved like a twat by keeping her secret, by insisting the OP’s daughter kept it a secret. That to me, is twatty and immature behaviour.

Thanks all. I have taken on board your comments. The upshot was that she had today off school as she also had very bad menstrual pain that didn't respond to paracetamol at all. I think this PMT was also affecting her hormones last night too. She spent today doing school work anyway (unprompted), extra maths, reading etc, and has said she wants to go back tomorrow to face it all. I am proud of her. I don't think 2 days off in 2 years is super disruptive to her education and I am also pleased that she is owning the situation and seeking to rise above it.

I am also encouraging her to expand her friendship groups at school. This boy is central to her current friendship group. She doesn't feel that she can branch out into other groups as they seem (to her) sealed off to new comers :( She says that by year 10, friendship groups are pretty set in stone at her school and that there isn't much room for movement). I find this odd and unhealthy. Kids should be able to branch out and spend time with a variety of friends. When one girl in her group tried to do this recently, she was met with a barrage of horrible remarks from others in the group. I hear this and want to take her out of her school, but it's the best in the city and I know it will probably be the same elsewhere. Also, she loves her school so much, so would see this as me being cruel.

I think you were right to keep her off school today and I would absolutely keep her home on Friday too. I remember breaking up with my first love and how painful it was. I think some people forget just how strong those feelings can be when they hit you for the first time and how much a break up (particularly if you have to see the other party at school) can affect a young person's self confidence.

Hopefully having a few days away from him and all the questions and input from the friendship group will give her the opportunity to gather herself back up and face the situation with a renewed confidence.

It will ease, but like most break ups, it may be painful for some time. All you can do is as you have already; listen to her, be there for her, ensure she knows that she can come to you, take her seriously, bolster her confidence (as it will have taken a knock, no doubt) and love her.

She may only be 15, but the feelings of first love can be just as strong as the love an adult feels in a relationship, but are so much more difficult for the child to understand and cope with as they are feeling them for the first time and it's so different to anything they'll have felt before.

It sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job of raising an amazing, strong daughter. Even amazing, strong people need to stop and take a deep breath sometimes (and a cuddle from DM always helps, I find ).

I remember cutting the head off the teddy my first love gave me.... I was very grateful he lived 2 hours away. It doesn't get easier though... so many tears wasted on pointless boys and men. But then if you are lucky to find the one it makes it all worth while that you learnt what you didn't want from a bloke.

Good thing is that her talking and getting it out is healthy. She will move on. She is in an important few years of school now and can concentrate on her school work. Chances are most of these people she is friends with she won't see after that final bell rings.

There is one song I always listened to when time was tough and you are welcome to share it with her. It's Jimmy Eat World - the middle. The lyrics just hit home with me and it helped me through some tough times.

I an glad she is going back into school. This is a great life lesson, incredibly hard one at that. But there will be many times In the future when she has been dealt a shit hand and she will need to pull up her pants and crack on.

Thinking about it all our groups were settled by y10.