To ask about coparenting from different countries

[Spitsandfurts]

My husband comes from another country. I recently found messages between him and other women and this led to the breakdown of our relationship. He has chosen to return to his home country. We have a young son together who he has been FaceTiming daily since he left last week. Does anybody have any experience in dealing with this sort of situation? I don’t know if/when he plans to visit our son but I know he won’t be in a position to do so for at least several months as he is now out of work. His country is not nearby and a visit would cost a lot of money.

I don’t know whether to just let him FaceTime whenever he likes or to ask for set times in the week that they can talk. My son is young so it’s very limited due to concentration span etc. I’m also very worried about my son going to his country in the future, after my ex threatened to take him once in an argument. But he tells me that he has to come to his country at some point. I just can’t see it being feasible for many years. Aibu to refuse to allow my son to go there at a young age?

Presumably your husband has parental responsibility? In which case, you would have to get a court order preventing your son travelling out of the UK. But, this will also prevent you from having a holiday abroad with him.

Do you genuinely think he would keep him or do you think it was a heat of the moment thing?

I wish people would say which country; Holland would produce a very different set of responses to Pakistan

At first I thought he said it in the heat of the moment, but he never apologised for it and he makes veiled threats about my son “having to go to that country, it’s his country” etc. in a clever way. So I would not feel safe to let my son travel there at this young age. Obviously I want him to know that side of his heritage but in a safe way. I just feel lost as to how we move forward from here, this was not the future that I expected.

Is the other country part of The Hague Convention?

Yes it is

How old is your son?

My daughter was 2 when her Dad and I split up. We have been in different countries for most of the last 10 years. They used to use Skype or FaceTime but now use WhatsApp on her phone. It hasn't been easy but now she has more control it is better. He has come to see her most years and we go there quite often.
It will require work from you to make it work.

Marcopront he’s only a toddler. Did you used to have set times for them to FaceTime when your daughter was little? I’m trying to figure out how often the should talk, when etc. At the moment he texts me saying that he wants to speak to our son and if I don’t comply immediately he starts questioning me about what I’m doing.

Which country? It makes a difference

Which countr? It does make a difference. I wouldn’t risk him taking DC for a visit if he is based in certain countries.

On the FaceTime, suggest a time every two nights (eg an hour before bed when you know you’ll be home). I think some consistency would be good for your son so he knows when his dad will be contacting him.

If your ex wants to carry on with flexible times, you don’t need to get anxious or defensive if you’re not able to answer. Remember he has no power over you.

if he questions what you’re set the expectation that you might need flexibility.

My DD is 3. Her dad moved to the Middle East 18 months ago, he’s from the U.K. but took a job over there. Our divorce was granted very quickly after he left.

He FaceTimes twice a week, once midweek and once at the weekend around his work/my work. We’ve got set days and times that have worked for us but we’re both flexible if either of us needs to change for whatever reason. We don’t really communicate between the calls at the moment, we don’t have any need to.

He comes back to the U.K. every 3/4 months and comes to see her while he’s here. His family are nearby too though whereas it sounds like your exH would have to come back specifically to see your DS.

I don’t know how long he plans to stay there but I don’t intend to take DD to visit him. And if he is there long term and asks to take her there, I’ll deal with that at the time. He decided to go over there so for now, he can travel to see her.

@Spitsandfurts
We didn't have regular times. With hindsight that would have been better. We would normally call him, he used to say he didn't call us because he didn't know what we would be doing.

In your case, if he is texting like that I would arrange set times but with some flexibility.

What is the time difference? It changes the way you chat if one of you is in the middle of the day and the other is going to bed. We are now in the same time zone as her dad and it is so much easier.