New name as I have posted before and I was accused of being a gold digger.
I have been seeing a guy for 4 months. He's only recently become my boyfriend.
My concern is him being tight when it comes time to pay and him not coming to events I invite him to.
In respect to paying for dates - from the very beginning we have taken it in turns. This is despite him earning double my income (possibly more) and me having to move in with a relative after I had a falling out with my friend/housemate (over him).
One day we are at his place and he randomly states to me that we should take it in turns with paying for dates from here on. I thought about what he said and a while later said "we have been taking it in turns to pay since the beginning". He responded "oh, I said that ages ago."
I have now thought about it and I don't actually think that is correct. I have paid for nights out where he contributed absolutely nothing the entire evening, I have also paid for multiple dates in a row. He has paid for some very cheap places or where movie tickets were discounted or free, he also paid for a couple of lunches.
He has never taken me to an expensive restaurant. Nor have I asked him to. We go to cheap places and a lot of Asian restaurants. He has promised to take me out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday (after him mentioning it multiple times and also stating that he wanted to eat there himself), then he said he will take me out somewhere (cheap) instead.
I have found that on occasion he makes no attempt to pay. We often share food because I can only eat limited amounts, basically I am paying for him to eat. I eat a quarter of what he generally eats.
I don't know how to bring up that I think it's unequitable. I think it would be cheaper for me to pay for my own food and drinks and then I could just order an entrée or one drink when I go out.
He jokes that I am a 'cheap date' because I don't eat much. It's even cheaper for him when you factor in that I am paying most of the time.
It makes me feel really bad, like he doesn't want to treat me well.
Him going on about the expensive place for my birthday, then saying "oh, I found out it's expensive" and later suggesting somewhere cheap has really hurt my feelings because I had been looking for a new dress to wear. I had told people he was taking me there for my birthday and now he wants to take me to a cheap Asian restaurant. He hasn't asked me for present suggestions, so I assumed the birthday dinner was the present because he said he wanted to 'treat' me.
I have been getting stressed sometimes when we are out because it bothers me when I know he will expect me to pay at the end of it and I know he had eaten most of the food. Often it's just small amounts for me to pay, but it's regularly and if it was just me, I wouldn't be paying anything and just eating at home.
I can't stand him saying how much of a 'cheap date' I am!! It happens with such regularity I am on edge waiting for him to say it again.
Lately he has been talking about buying a new car (there's nothing wrong with his current car), as well as taking a trip somewhere either by himself or with a friend (knowing I can't afford it).
I have brought up that I am concerned about our income disparity and he said it's ok because he has money. It's ok for him, that's his money! For the record, I have a good job - however, I have been sick and had to take a drop in pay.
Recently he has asked me to pick up tea bags to 'contribute'.
This guy is on double my income - likely much more.... and it's tea bags!!! I would be too embarrassed to ask.
I haven't introduced him to my friends as I don't have massive friendship groups like he does and my best friend and I had a falling out when he came along (wasn't his fault). He had met my ex-friend and she wasn't very nice to him.
He has asked when he will meet my other friends. I work long hours (even with the pay reduction) and I don't hang out with them regularly and have been single so long I don't want to bring him along to meet my other friends as they would have nothing in common.
I recently asked him to come to a relatives birthday party, very small group of adults and children, held in a very casual setting and where I knew some of his friends would be there (he is friends with my relative's friends). He freaked. He said there would be too many people there and he wasn't comfortable. I said "fine" thinking perhaps it's too soon and it's not a big deal. I then didn't bring it up again. He has brought it up since and I said heaps of people are going and for him not to worry about coming and that I probably won't go either.
There is another family event coming up about 7 weeks time (which would be 6 months to the date that we have been together) and I have asked if he would like to come.
He said that there are too many people and he wasn't comfortable going. Again, I said I wouldn't press it (it's out of town anyway and I was going to fly).
He flies all the time so the flight and costs wouldn't be an issue, the issue is he doesn't want to go and is using the big group as a reason not to.
He has brought up meeting my family before. I am fine with it, it's choosing a time and place as my family is either busy or away plus they have children. The relatives birthday party was an ideal time. Small group of people, very casual and he even knew people there!!
I thought I could get over it - it's still early days. However, I think it's such a double standard when I have gone out and met all his friends and gone to the cost effort of making myself presentable to do so (think additional costs of hair/makeup/shoes/dress).
Whenever he has asked me to meet his friends, I have always said yes.
For context, I went to his Christmas party and been on quite a few nights out with his friends. It should be noted that the Christmas party was massive and he was the only person I knew. I have also gone to a big group friend event and was introduced to a lot of people.
He has now stated that he will meet my sister and her husband first.
I am thinking, I don't want him to meet my sister and my brother-in-law at all now. There are so many red flags and I am not happy right now. My sister has also noticed this and told me to have some time apart.
Recently, he brought up that I haven't given him oral sex in a while. I actually don't want to. I don't want to go to effort with him any more. He doesn't want to be my 'plus one' to family events and I don't want to pay for his food, hang out with his boring friends or give him BJ's. The time and money I am spending on him could go to things that actually make me happy.
My question is - AIBU or is he just wasting my time?