...to turn down endless 'gifts' from DM

[NamedyChangedy]

I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable, I more want some help with how to deal with this situation.

DM grew up in a very different world to the one I now live in - with a large house, household staff, regularly entertaining visiting dignitaries, different dining sets for different occasions, finishing school etc. By contrast, I live in a very normal & casual suburban mid-terrace house with no staff, just a cleaner once a week. My plates and cutlery are mostly from IKEA.

Pretty much every time she comes round she points out that we don't own some sort of vital object (or that the one we have is subpar) and then buys it for us. It can be small items like corkscrews and gravy boats, or tablecloths and napkin sets, but sometimes it's larger items like footstools, lampshades, paintings etc. These are things that we don't want or need.

I'd describe myself as an aspiring minimalist, in that I put a lot of thought into what comes into the house and am always trying to own less. But more importantly, I have no space for these things. Where possible I just store them away in the shed or spare room and bring them out when she comes over, but it's getting more and more frequent. She also feels a sense of ownership over the items and will look around and say 'where's that xxxx I bought you?' It's tiresome.

In the past, I have gently tried to ask that she doesn't spend money on these things but she gets extremely sensitive and somehow sees it as a rejection of her and the way she lives. What is a kind and non-judgmental way to say 'please stop buying me things'?

Oh dear this is a tricky one as she is sensitive and doesnt seem to be a malicious thing (this scenario plays out quite often across these pages and quite often has elements of control and manipulation about them).

I would pack a few cupboards absolutely to the gunwhales and then tell her gently that you appreciate how thoughtful she is buying you these things but LOOK!! Look at these cupboards - we simply have no more space!! So as much as I appreciate your kindness, I am going to have to say No More as I simply dont have anywhere else to store these things.

Would that work?

Maybe you could say "Mum, what I really need is X, Y, or Z" being absolutely specific so that it fits with what you have, and your tastes?
Or "The children need [winter boots], [haircuts], [music lessons]" so that she feels like she's really helping, and appreciated?
Perhaps a few weeks of you talking openly about how tricky it is in such a small home (but so much easier to clean!)
Or ask for groceries?

Of course, you could also say "oh I had to hock that Caravaggio to pay the heating bill"...

I'm not sure how well the space argument will go down as she doesn't really understand it as a concept, partly because she's never not had enough space, and she also has moderate hoarding tendencies, I believe. Maybe showing her some overflowing cupboards is the way forward actually - a good visual aid.

bsc I wouldn't ask for anything else instead as we're quite self-sufficient, and she might see it as carte blanche to buy us even more stuff!!

Don’t show a hoarder packed cupboards. In what way would that work?? She buys you stuff she likes because it makes her happy. You don’t actually feature in that at all, in any way. Say No thank you. You can’t help her feeling anything so long as you’re clear, consistent and say No kindly enough. And she’s certainly not factoring your feelings in this.

Yes HeartHole is right - wont work if she is a hoarder as I think it just doesnt compute with someone who has those tendencies.